Saturday, September 26, 2009

Between a rock and a gay place

There are those that see the silver lining in everything. I don't see it today.

K and I have not been talking much lately. Partly because we have been working opposite schedules, partly because there is not that much to say.

We did talk this morning some. She did not sign up for a roommate, but that what she has. She said the longer "this" goes on, the more irritated she becomes. I think I'm a little better than a roommate, but I knew what she meant.

At that moment my daughter came into the room and started jumping on us. We wrestled for a little while when my youngest son jumped into the mix. There was a lot of tickling, laughing, and fun. I was enjoying that until I started thinking about what it will be like when I live somewhere else, alone. Without my kids. Without my family. Then I felt a rush of depression.

There are several parts that are the root of my reluctance to leave. Me, K and the kids. How do I look at my kids and tell them I can't live there with them anymore? I know that kids are resilient, but it seems that I am not. My kids are not aware anything serious is wrong. K and I do not fight, there is no hostility in our house. We we like being together and sometimes even laughing. When the time comes for me to leave, from their perspective it will seem very sudden. I'm worried they will think I have abandoned them. Or they might think that K sent me away.

I don't know, maybe I'm over thinking it.

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