Friday, September 18, 2009

Kicking & Screaming

Am I going kicking & screaming?

I think one of the reasons I am so hesitant to leave home is I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone for the first time in my life. I'm scared how my kids will react (first to my leaving and then to me being gay). I'm scared the kids will think I abandoned them. I'm scared about K and how our relationship will evolve (or devolve). In general, I am scared of change, almost any change.

I dislike change in general and this situation amounts to a whole shitload of change.

A couple of weeks ago, K told me that while she wants me to want to stay with her, she said that staying just because I am too scared to leave was the worst reason to stay.

I know I love her & the kids. I know I like being around them, but is the fact I am scared really the reason I stay? I don't much like that. Makes me feel weak.


manxxman said...

Okay here's a big, and I mean BIG hug. Of course you're scared, who wouldn't be.....but once you finally jump that fence which has kept you "straight" for so many years you will be utterly surprise how much better you feel about yourself. And this isn't a selfish "better" this is a genuine "better". Of, of course there are going to be "those days"......happens to all of us, but not only will K be there for you so will all of us.

I'm just sayin' kick on.

jim said...

Thanks for the hug. I never can get enough of those.