Monday, September 28, 2009

How do you know something bad won't happen?

Sometimes I walk at lunch. It takes about 30 min one way to a Chinese place that is good and pretty cheap. I will grab food to go, walk back to my office and eat at my desk. I will feeling particularly sorry for myself today and I told K I was going to drown my sorrows in a big pot of Lo Mein. I was half joking and she did not I think was funny. I did get the lo mein, but I got the small order.

She called me and said a lot of things, but there are 2 things that keep echoing in my head.

  1. You are so worried about other people's feelings, you are making everyone miserable.
  2. If you just say what it is you want, the world will not stop spinning. Everyone will be alright.
There is a part of me that is afraid to say that I need to leave my marriage and come out to the world as the gay man I am, because I worry how it will impact the people around me. K, the kids, my family, my friends. Everyone. I worry how it will make them feel and how they will react to me. I suppose when you have been in the closet for as long as I have you are constantly worried about what others think. It's hard to break out of that trap.

I don't know about anyone else's world, but once I say, I need to move on and be me, be gay, my world, as I have known it, will come to an end. Everything I know will change. I don't know that the changes will be all bad, but some of them might be. I feel like the Marlin character in "Finding Nemo" when they are in the whale. That sequence is important because that is where the over protective overly cautious father takes a leap of faith and hopes it will all work out.

Can I take such a leap? K tells me not to worry about her or the kids. They will be fine. They can handle anything that happens. And is it possible that my in action, which in intended to make things better (or at least not bad) is actually making things worse?

Marlin: "How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?"
Dory: "I don't."

Maybe it's time for a leap of faith.



Tom said...

I totally understand what you are going through, my gay friend...

As you know, I was married too, actually twice. When my first wife and I split up my kids were 5 and 6 years old. I thought at the time that I was ready to come out, but never did it. I fell in love with another woman and we were together almost 20 years (she also knew from before our wedding that I was gay).

Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yes, your life will change, you will lose some friends and family closeness, but for me it was the right thing to do. I never looked back and have been totally out since that day. It would be unfair to the people I hurt to continue to hide it from anyone.

Your wife sounds like a pretty amazing person (smart too). Listen to her, but keep in mind that once you take that step, you owe it to yourself (and her) to live your life openly...

My thoughts are with you


manxxman said...

I was married for 30+ years, always knowing that I was gay. While first married and while the kids were young I was able to make "it" work but as the children grew older and weren't as reliant on me and I had more "time" I began to unravel. I did more and more destructive things (I guess because I felt so trapped). When everything finally blew up and I moved out........well I never breathed so easily in my life.

Now are things perfect, hell no, but I'm much better able to deal with them honestly....