Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I never wanted to be gay.

When I was young I desperately did not want to be gay. I was sure I was not really gay. If I was I was sure I would have known I did not think that I was like gay people. I was not effeminate, I still have trouble matching the colors of my clothes, I wanted to work in theatre, but on the technical side not as an actor. But I had always known I was not like other boys.

My first time I can remember first time I was looking at a male figure in a way that others boys did not. I think I might have been in 5th grade, so I would have been 10 or 11. I was looking in the school dictionary and I noticed a picture of a centaur. The picture in the elementary school level dictionary had a line drawing but the man half had the same lines as a very muscular man. I did not think of myself as gay or really even know what that really meant, but I did know I should not be talking to anyone else about how the picture in the dictionary made me feel.

It has only been about a year since I finally have come to own who I am. I am gay. It's a liberating feeling, that in a lot of ways I wish I had come out to myself a lot earlier in life.

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