Sunday, July 26, 2009

What is Conflicting Clarity?

Conflicting Clarity. What does that mean?

Over the past year and a half I have been trying to reconcile two seemingly incompatible things. The life I have chosen and the person I am. For the past 15 years I have been the husband of a straight woman, whom I love very much. I have been the father to four children (the youngest of which is 5 today). I love my family and they mean the world to me. I can't imagine a world where my kids are not with me all the time. I can't imagine a world where K and I are not around each other every day. We have been closely connected for a long time and I really would like to keep it that way.

I see very clearly my responsibilities to my family. K made many sacrifices to get us where we are and she has been a rock of support even now that it is clear that our marriage is going to end. When I talk about "responsibilities" I don't want to give the impression that I think of my family as a chore, at least not most of the time. (If you have kids you know what I mean) But there is another part of me I can't ignore any longer.

I really want to be with T. I think about him all the time. It's not just about sex either. I dream about cooking dinner with him, walking in the beach, snuggling by a campfire in the woods. T has been to my house a bunch of times and he is really good with my kids and they like him a lot. I love seeing him with the kids. It really makes me happy. I can see a day in the future when my family includes T and hopefully K and the man that makes her happy.

My love for my family and my desire to be with them is very clear to me. My love for T and my desire to be with him is very clear to me. These things are seemly in conflict and I need to find a way to bring them together.

I am eager to hear from others who are either currently in such a situation or have successfully worked through one. I need some encouragement that it will all work out in the end.

1 comment:

tuls said...

with or without encouragement from blog readers, you made it thru in the end. im really happy for the two of you :) well, this blog will be another blog that i'll be reading from time to time, cheers mate! :)