Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Why can't I be happy with what I have?

This is a question I have been asking myself for over a year now.

I have something that most men would kill for. I am married to a woman who is without a doubt my favorite person in the whole world. I love her very much and she loves me. We have been through a lot together and we have always faced everything just like that, together. We have 4 great kids, and have a house that is modest but comfortable. We have troubles that normal couples have, but we do not fight and really enjoy each others company.

I know a lot on men who would kill for what I have and I know there are a lot of women that might kill for it too. (Not me per se, but the apparent quality of our relationship)

Of course there is one problem. I'm gay and she's straight. When we go out we both look at the same guys. Neither of us is that turned on by boobs and we both like penises.

Like many gay men I have been able to repress my "gay urges" (I really hated typing that) but as I watched by 40th birthday approach, I was less and less able to do that. Like many gay men, I simply could not pretend to be someone I'm not any longer. What I came to understand over the years is that I had gotten so used to pretending to be straight, I got used to it.

I was never in complete denial though. I could not ignore my attraction to men, but I really did not want to be gay. I figured I must be bisexual. I was not dishonest with K. I told her I was bisexual before we got married. I even told her about a relationship I had with another boy in high school. She accepted me and we got married.

Describing my love for K is difficult. It is something I have been struggling with for a year. (there is more to this store I may tell later) suffice it to say that once I came out to K as gay (not bi) she wondered if I ever loved her at all.
I have always loved you and I will always love you, forever. I would say.

Yes, you love me like I love "B" (her best girl-friend since 3rd grade) she would say.

No, it's more like a family love. Deep and strong. You know like identical twins that are extremely close. (Yes I know that sound creepy, but it's not really a sibling love, I was trying to stress the depth of my connection with her.)

Coming out to her as gay and realizing that the marriage we had, that we thought was going to last forever, was not going to after all has been very hard for both of us. We will always be connected, even separate from our shared connection to our children, and I think that is a really good thing. I know exactly how lucky I am. Most women faced with a gay husband are so hurt and angry they can no longer remain friends. I am grateful that will not happen to us.

1 comment:

skier said...

stumbled onto your blog. Damn, can I relate. I have been married to my best friend for almost 38 years. I could have written so many of the lines. I am trying so hard to be honest and come out. Stories like yours give me some hope that she won't want to kill me. Like you, I do love my wife. I just now accept that while I love her, it isn't enough. Please say a prayer for me.