Friday, July 31, 2009

Fear of losing

K left to go visit D early this morning. I have some mixed feelings about it.

For a long time K and I have been together and shared everything. In a lot of ways that is slipping away. I suppose that's not really that surprising. I mean, what the hell did I expect she would do once she realized that I do not love her in the same way she loved me. She wants and deserves a straight guy to love her what way a husband should.

Over the years we have developed a closeness that I'm not sure many married couples develop. Even though we no longer have sex we do still share a bed. I still like it when we are laying in bed discussing the events of the day just before going to sleep. I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up, even though I may have to. I think if we remain the best friends I should be able to maintain some of that closeness, but I know it won't be the same. I have a fear of change, so I'm scared just because any change could be bad.

K has a strong faith and she often tells me I just have to trust that what is meant to be happen will. She also strongly believes that everything (no matter how bad) happens for a reason. I'm not sure that I believe it like she does, but I can see how it's comforting to know that everything will unfold as it should.

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