Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Back in Therapy

I am going back to see my therapist tomorrow.  I need her to help me.  Apparently I am the only one I know that has not come to realize that I cannot be a gay man and still be married to K and live a "straight" life.  

I need her to help me move my head into to a place where I can accept the changes in my life.  I need to focus on being a good dad to my kids, be a good friends to K and be true to me.

I need her to help me accept who I am and all the things that go with it.  I think I have a handle on who I am.  I am gay and that is not going to change.

I need her to help me accept that I made the mistake of my life when I "chose" to be straight back when I was in my teens.  I need to accept that that happened and I married a woman.  I cannot change that fact, I can only move on from here.  I hear myself say that (or type that) but I cannot seem to bring myself to accept it and forgive myself.  

Because I cannot move on, it seems no one else can move on either.


Java said...

I think it's good that you are going back to talk to her again. Or, as you say, to listen to her.

Sometimes it takes a few (dozen) times to hear the messages that you need. That's OK. You don't get thrown out of the game because of that.

Good luck with the therapy. I hope it helps. You are in my thoughts, Jim.

Nik_TheGreek said...

At least you know what you need from her. That's a very good start...

Chris said...

Therapy is great, just realize you're dealing with someone with their own business that wants you a a customer (forever if they can get away with it). So stick with it only as long as you see benefits.

I detect 'guilt' in your writings and you need help with that. You're not guilty of anything. I'm not sure you did or didn't make a choice so much as go along with the flow of society. No need to blame yourself. It is what it is.

manxxman said...

As usual Chris cuts right to the chase..........and I agree with him.

Jim just keep moving forward on this journey.