Saturday, February 20, 2010

Out of the Closet and Into the Bathroom

So am I out to the closet?  Kind of.

I am out to my parents and my sister.  Out to K and her family.  Out to a couple of people at work, who are also gay.  Out to T, the blogosphere, and one or two others.  That sound like a lot but it's not everyone.  The hardest one is I am not out to my kids yet.

I am disrupting my whole life so I can live as a gay man, out in the open.  So 2 years ago I jumped out of the closet and now here I stand, locked firmly in the master bathroom.  Too scared to walk out the next door.  Lately I am starting to think that it's really not my fear of hurting K that is keeping me in the bathroom, but my fear of what my life as a gay man will be.  There is a lot that will change forever and that fact that I am not sure what parts will change is more than a little scary.

I signed up for an online dating service I had never heard of before, created a profile and browsed around for a while.  In under an hour I had looked through all the profiles for everyone with in 50 miles of my house and deleted the profile I created.  I think I was not feeling it and it appears that I was not the only one who never heard of that site.  There were not that many people on there, at least not as many as I expected with a good sized city nearby.

Maybe I will check out another tonight.  We'll see.  Can't stop thinking about T.


Jeff said...

Well, at least the bathroom has a shitter; see you continue to make forward progress.

manxxman said...

So don't stop thinking about T. Who really knows what lies ahead for you or him......