Thursday, February 4, 2010

Moving at Half the Speed of Smell

K and I had a good talk last night.  I reminded her what a good friend she is and how luck I am to have her.  She reminded me she was still pissed at me, but she loved me too.

Then this morning she sent me several Craigslist entries for apartments for rent and then one for a large house with an in-law apartment.  I suppose she is trying to be helpful. There really are 2 K's.  The angry soon-to-be-ex-wife and the best friend.  Of course I don't blame her for having an angry side 

I am moving, but slowly.

I have heard I am over analyzing my situation.  Well of course I am.  It's one of those things I do.  My shrink mentioned that to me too.  We talked about how I have run all the possible scenarios that could possible happen to my in my situation.  It is exhausting, but I have to believe when I finally make the leap off the diving board, I will be ready for what ever happens.  The reality is that it will probably not be as bad as my worst fears, but I;m still scared.

I think I have told a story about how when I was little I walked out to the end of the diving board and was afraid to take the plunge.  Even though I knew I could swim, and I really wanted to jump, there was something inside me that kept me from from jumping.  Of course once I did jump I was not only glad I did, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  I guess this is a the same type of thing, except it's not just me, it's K and 4 minor children who will be effected.


The Lion Queen said...

You seem a lot calmer and focused today which is good.

Hope things work out well.

manxxman said...

Whether (no when) you choose to jump it will still be K, you and 4 minor children, that part won't change. If you think you're going to get it "just right".....then you're over thinking it.

Deep breaths.....and the knowledge that where you are going is just as important to K and your family as it is to you is what you need to focus on.

TwoLives said...

I'm new to blogging and new here. I've read your blog from start to finish, constantly fighting the urge to comment. Now that I have allowed myself to post I'm not sure what to say; I am pulled in many directions.

First, I want you to know how much I identify with your struggle. And I don't mean gay vs. not gay. I mean about taking the plunge. Whether you realize it or not most of your blog is about fear. I'm there with you bud.

Second, and in apparent contradiction to my first statement, I want to offer my experience as one more example of how to find a little peace while on this rollercoaster. Mine is a long story (the whole point of my blog actually) but the simple summary is that once I took action (rather than imagining it) my mind STARTED to clear. And what happened was not what I would have anticipated.

Third, IMHO, your concept of the options available to you MAY be too traditional. It's often difficult to break free of societal expectations but when evaluating a difficult situation it should be helpful to think as much outside the box as inside of it. A creative solution MIGHT work for you, K and the kids. Only you and K can know what those options might be.

Fourth, IMHO, if you were to come back and read the first year+ of your blog five years from now you would call yourself a pussy. Normally you are a man who faces his responsibilities head-on. Why is this situation so very different?

Fifth, whereas K will eventually find a peaceful place in her life, the kindness, honesty and consideration you are showing her is brutally cruel and not at all what she keeps asking for. Because you love her, spare her the torture.

Sigh. Despite my efforts to be true to my gentle nature, I'm sure the parent in me has come through much more strongly. Tough love is harsh but often it's the best way to help someone. I think you need a few doses of it. Please email me for more abuse. --- TwoLives