Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When Love Knocks.

I read a lot of blogs.  Lot's of gay men.  Some are struggling to come out like me.  Some are free and clear.  Many of them, not all, are looking for a man they can love and be loved by.  Most of them are unsuccessful.  A few have found love that is less than ideal.

I have been thinking about Chris at "My Journey Out".  His boyfriend... well, I don't if Toronto Chris is a boyfriend or not but you get the idea.  Depending on how you look at them, they may or may not be a good match.  There is a age difference, there is an ambition difference, among others things.  But there is one thing.  They love each other.  While Chris is cynical in his writing style, it is clear he loves TC very much. So what becomes of these mis-matched lovers?  Can they work this out long term? 

That makes me think about T.  I love him very much.  I know he loves me, but we are, in many ways, mis-matched.  He has always known he was gay and never made any attempt to form a relationship with a girl.  That is not to say he was open.  He has only been out for 6 years (he is going to be 43 in April).  He is very attached to his parents and younger sisters.  Some of that is cultural for him.  Some of that is that they were all he had for the many years he was in the closet.  The fact the one of the sisters is a deeply closet lesbian and he feel responsible for her, is the rest of it.  

Then there is me.  Everyone knows my problems.  4 kids, best friend / soon-to-be-ex-wife (who does not like T) not to mention all the demons running around in my head.  But we love each other.  I think about him all the time.  I miss him very much when we are apart.

With all our problems, can this work out long term?  Maybe I should not be worrying about that.  Maybe I need to accept his love and be glad he really loves me and I can love him.  Given the problems many gay men have finding a real love, maybe I am too quick to give his away.  It's not like I am getting any younger.  It will only be more difficult as the years pass by.


Jeff said...


I also see a lot of similarities in your relationship with T and Chris' with TC. I think you will never fully have T unless you pull back as you are doing; T has to become an active partner in your relationship. Just as you are willing to leave K to find love, T needs to be willing to leave his family if things are going to work for your relationship. Not trying to be a sideline quarterback, just giving food for thought.

manxxman said...

Why does "love" always have to come in the "same box". Maybe you should think outside the box a bit and look at the things that make you and T happy......if they are important, then maybe your relationship with T, what ever form it takes, will have a significant enough impact on your life (and his) that it's worth pursuing.......just a thought.