I am still very sad about T. Yes, I saw it coming, I did not expect it to come so soon.
In my heart I think I know it is the right thing for me to do. After all, it is not my fault he has a crazy co-dependent relationship with his family. It is not out of line for me to want a partner that will want to be will be physically, not just emotionally.
Now I have this sad and empty feeling. I wonder if I will find a man that loves me has much as T does.
I doubt it.
In other news, I saw my shrink this morning and she illustrated for my just how screwed up I am. We were talking about how I need to separate from K. Since actually moving out is not a good option for me right now, the shrink thinks I should move to sleeping on the couch. (K and I are still sleeping in the same bed. Yes, just sleeping) We have no guest room and there really is no other place for me to go. Anyway, she thinks I should move to the couch or an air mattress downstairs. She asked me how that felt. I think that it would suck, I told her. "How does it feel in your belly" she asked. I thought for a while and said that I felt nothing.
"Will you go home and tell K you are sleeping on your air mattress downstairs?" She asked.
"Well..." I said, "I have to talk to K and see what she thinks." The shrink almost slapped her forehead.
I have to make a space for myself. I have to make that space for both me and her. I know I have to do it. It's kind of like how I know I need to eat better, but I usually don't.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
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