I am still very sad about T. Yes, I saw it coming, I did not expect it to come so soon.
In my heart I think I know it is the right thing for me to do. After all, it is not my fault he has a crazy co-dependent relationship with his family. It is not out of line for me to want a partner that will want to be will be physically, not just emotionally.
Now I have this sad and empty feeling. I wonder if I will find a man that loves me has much as T does.
I doubt it.
In other news, I saw my shrink this morning and she illustrated for my just how screwed up I am. We were talking about how I need to separate from K. Since actually moving out is not a good option for me right now, the shrink thinks I should move to sleeping on the couch. (K and I are still sleeping in the same bed. Yes, just sleeping) We have no guest room and there really is no other place for me to go. Anyway, she thinks I should move to the couch or an air mattress downstairs. She asked me how that felt. I think that it would suck, I told her. "How does it feel in your belly" she asked. I thought for a while and said that I felt nothing.
"Will you go home and tell K you are sleeping on your air mattress downstairs?" She asked.
"Well..." I said, "I have to talk to K and see what she thinks." The shrink almost slapped her forehead.
I have to make a space for myself. I have to make that space for both me and her. I know I have to do it. It's kind of like how I know I need to eat better, but I usually don't.
Maybe I am just screwed up.
3 comments:
Incredible progress Jim. Take time to breathe and absorb the changes. You are on a journey, heading in the right direction; just take one step at a time as you are doing. Proud of you!
You're not so screwed up as your situation is and until that starts resolving itself, yeah you're going to feel screwed up.
But that's the only way you're going to move forward.....you know in your heart of hearts that there is no turning back.
Yikes, I'm not sure I like your therapist much. Their job is to help you find enlightenment on your own and not tell you what to do.
However, it is quite commmon to get stuck in the gray area and not make any progress. The answer sadly is you're going to be separated sooner or later.
It would appear your wife is emotionally ready, but you're not and your support buddy, 'T', isn't in a position to offer you a nice segway.
Nonetheless, think in terms of making progress for yourself. Your wife will be fine, she's not having to deal with as much as you are.
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