Friday, February 19, 2010

Emerging My Own Identity

So things are going on the way they have been.  We are moving, very slowly.  I have been looking at small apartments for me or large farms for all of us.  

I talked last night to Emerging Identity.  He helps me keep my perspective.  Sometimes it's like talking to the therapist with out the co-pay.  :-)  Seriously, one of the things he reminded me is that K and I should not make a move before we are ready.  I think that's good advice.  

I have been trying to think about my own identity.  I have been starting to wonder if I know who the real me is. 

K said something to me the other day about me becoming a gay stereotype.  I told her I was not that kind of gay.  She said, "not yet."  She might have only been half kidding, after all, before 2 years ago, I always considered myself bi-sexual. 

I have been hiding my true self from everyone, including myself, who am I really?  As I reflect, I am wondering how much of my personality is nothing more than a well practiced lie.  After all for the 20 years I was in my "bi-sexual" phase, I really believed that's who I was.

I really don't feel like I have changed much over these past couple of years aside from he fact I am not longer scared of people finding out I'm gay.  Now I am just scared of finding out what living as a gay man is all about.

One step at a time.

1 comment:

Java said...

From what I've seen and read, this is a very normal stage of identity development. Many men go through something like this after they come out. It is part of finding out who you are. My suggestion is to go with it. Do what seems appropriate, then assess how well it fits with who you want to be.

Good luck!