Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Chasing My Tail

So once more around.

In talking to my therapist (can I call her a shrink?) and she is still pushing me to move out of my home.  She pushed me to visualize what it will be like be on my own.  I don't think I am quite ready for that, just yet.

I know that we will not remain married as we had planned. I am gay, I do not feel about her like I should, even though I love her very much.  But I am too scared to move out on  my own.

She (the shrink) is pushing me to actively find and build a circle of gay friends.  I think this is a good idea, and even K is supportive of this.  There is a problem.  I can't ever get out.  I have a hard time getting out to see T more than once of twice a month, how the hell am I going to find time to make other friends.

I think there will be a lot more tail chasing before I get moving in the right direction.

I did ask if she knew a gay therapist.  She seemed surprised by the question, but she said she would ask around.  I have a theory that talking to someone who is more familiar with my struggle, might be helpful.


The Lion Queen said...

Without sounding out of line - but I think you are over-analyzing everything too much. And from the sounds of it your therapist is making your decision harder.

You need to keep everything at the simplest level - there is not solution to please everyone all the time.

I think the longer you take to make your decision the harder it will be to decide.

I'm also not sure that the longer it takes you - perhaps the more insulting it will be for the other parties involved while you decide which one you decide to be with (again putting it in its simplest form).

Thinking of you and wishing you luck.

manxxman said...

I remember as a small boy going to the "public plung" (yes I'm that old) and going up on the "high dive".
I walked out to the end of the diving board but walked back again, many times......I'd seen other do it and from down below it seemed so simple and they seemed to be okay with it......but it was me that had to make the decision to jump (I never did dive off of the "high dive).

It seems to me that this is how it is for you. You understand, intellectually at least, what you need to's getting the "bravery" to do it that's the hardest.

I agree with "Lion Queen" stop over thinking it.

Chris said...

I 100% recommend you find a fruit as your therapist. Will be likely much easier for you to talk and they'll be able to relate better to you, based upon my own experience.

Course if you're in middle of nowhere this might be a tad difficult. I used the website to find mine and was quite happy!

Therapists are running a business and HATE TO SEE YOU LEAVE, according to them you are never cured and they're the only one who can help you. Don't fall for that marketing BS. If they're helping you stay, otherwise, just stop going. F'ck'em it's just business.

At this juncture I wouldn't worry about getting gay friends. Having a 'friend' solely based upon sexuality is gonna be short lived or just plain weird. Focus on what you gotta do to get your living moving.

No hugs from me (that's queer), all you're gonna get is a pat on the back.