Sunday, July 10, 2011

Outed... Need to Come Clean.

Yesterday afternoon, I took K and the kids out to lunch.  While we were all happily munching away, K started talking to me in something like code.  It took me a few minutes to figure out what she was talking about.

"AJ's daughter has been doing math and put 1 and 1 together." K told me with all my kids, who do not know I am gay, sitting right there.

"What?  Math?  I thought she had good grades, why is she in summer school?" I asked absently dipping my fries in ketchup. 

"No, dumbass, not that kind of math." 

AJ's daughter has told both K and AJ that she is not really comfortable with me living here with K and the kids.  She is also not comfortable with the close relationship  K and I have.  If you think about it, she knows that K and her father are talking about getting married and buying a house together, what is up with the not-quite-ex-husband living at home.  Compound that with the fact that K and I get along pretty good, you can see why she might be concerned.

Apparently sometime on the trip to Florida a few weeks ago, she put all her observations together and decided that I am gay.  Upon returning home, she told AJ that she is pretty sure I am gay.  The way K explained it to be she was not asking him, but told him.  AJ confirmed that she is correct.

Now that she knows the truth she feels better about my relationship with K.  She also feels more secure about the relationship K and AJ have.

Sound's good, right?  You might think so, but now I am on a tighter deadline than I thought to come out to my kids.

I am planning a trip in August with me and the kids.  I will be going north to visit my family.  K's family as well, but mostly mine.  I will all see members of my extended family.  My aunts, uncles and cousins.  All of whom know I am gay.  My mother told them, with my permission.

My mom thinks I need to tell my kids before we go up there because you never know what people will say.  It will be better if they hear it first from me and K.  

I was thinking that I have a couple more weeks to think about it.  But now that AJ's daughter knows about that accelerates my time line.  She will not be able to keep her mouth shut and in fairness, she should not have to.

I am scared.  The risks are high.  I am not sure what to do, but I need to do something.  I need to do it fast.


TwoLives said...

If you feel like you need the few extra weeks, is it possible that you or K or AJ could talk with the girl and explain how extremely important it is that you and K tell the kids and not someone else? If you also say that you'll be telling them very soon that should be a short enough time span than even a gossip-prone teenage girl should be able to keep the secret.

August will be here very soon anyway. Do you know exactly what you're going to say and how you're going to break the news?

With all that has happened in front of them, they might be shocked for the first few minutes, but they'll it all together and, I'd think, actually feel good. At least, I hope that's what happens. And they like T already so that's a good thing.

Buddy Bear said...

I know it's a worry, but I can only relate my experience. My kids (14, 16, 18) were fantastic when I told them I was gay six months ago. They haven't had any issues with it at all, at least far as I can tell. I ask them occasionally and they all say they have no concerns.

I'm confident that your kids will be fine with it, too.

T said...

Why don't you listen to my advice? Go tell the older two kids to get part of your pressure off. They will accept and love you. After that, talk to your third son. He would be the hardest bridge to cross. I still think he'll be fine as well...the worst will be a day or two of him questioning you. Your daugther will love you no matter what you tell her. It's an extremely difficult thing to do, but give your kids a little credit. They love you!

RB said...

I agree with T. I would tell the older kids soon. If AJ's daughter knows, then your older kids may suspect something too. Who knows what AJ's daughter may have said. What kid can keep a secret?

You are in a relationship with a guy that's not a secret, your family knows, AJ's kids know.....this is not going to be a secret for much longer.

Java said...

RB might be right. Your older kids may have suspicions about your relationship with T. I have no idea what will happen, but you'll probably feel better after telling them. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Father John Powell says, 'I'm scared to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, and you don't like who I am -- it's all I have.'

My kids have been fine -- they mostly wanted reassurance that I was going to be there for them. Ron

Anonymous said...

Everyone is so correct on here - when I told mine last December - its made everything clear for them & they totally accepted me as a gay Dad, still very committed to them & our family. Just two weeks ago my kids & I where at dinner in a group type resturant & we sat down next to a young gay couple I barely knew. By the end of the night everyone was laughing and joking & had a great - relaxed time, having had an open conversation my son started with the young gay couple about their "gay" dad. My kids want to come to Pride this year, Kids today are so will be one of the best feelings of inner freedom you get, once you've told your kids & they will accept you for who you are.

Go for it !!!....Nick, Fort Wayne, IN