Sunday, April 26, 2015

Vacation and the Persistence of the Trurh

Something extraordinary happened this week.  Well, two things actually.

1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.

2. T invited me to come along.  


T usually works on weekends.  Well, he usually works all the time.   He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family.    One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along.  T invited me.  How cool it that?

I think it is very cool.  In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him.  Three full days, and nights.   Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care.  Just to be with him will be great.

As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend.  In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend.   My feelings for him make that difficult.  I am still in love with him and that will never change.  (More on that later)

I told K that I was going on this trip.  She was immediately irritated about it.  Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids.  Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her.  The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all.  She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on.  

She is right.  I know that.  Blog readers have told me that.  T has told me that I need to find someone else.  But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.

I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him.   I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him. 

Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef.  Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match.   Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it.  But the reality is, I did not want to.   My heart was elsewhere.

This is the persistent truth about my reality.

I can't have T, but I can't let him go.   He is important to me and I know I am important to him.  He is one of my oldest friends.  He IS my most persistent friend.   Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind.  I value him and his friendship greatly.  I love him and I never want to have him out of my life.  



Biki Honko said...

Sometimes we fall in love with some one that isnt exactly a perfect pairing. The heart wants what the heart wants. As long as you can live happily with the crumbs of time T can give to you, then it can "work". As long as this time you truly understand he can't give you more than he can. Getting mad at a situation that it seems he has little control over wont help. You might think about finding a place closer to T if you two decide to give this another go. That might allow him to carve out bits and pieces of time for you.

RB said...

I knew it! I knew it!!

This is the beginning of the new beginning. To use a trite phrase, it takes two to tango, and T is as guilty as you are.

You and T will settle into your plush king bed. Three days to talk. Something will be negotiated. You've had a chance to look around, just as T has, and neither of you has found anyone better. Maybe now there will be some compromise as perspectives have changed, and you two will emerge from this weekend as boyfriends. Again.