Saturday, April 4, 2015

Listening to the Rain

As I was getting into bed last night, I could hear it had started raining.  It was raining hard.  I could hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of my house.  It must have been windy too as I could hear the rain drops hitting the windows next to the bed.

There is something about the rain that makes me feel romantic.  I think maybe it is something deep within us left over from our caveman days.  When you are outside in the rain, you will almost always be cold to one level or another.  I think our instincts tell us to huddle (or cuddle) together for warmth.  It is a survival instinct.  If you can find someone to share body heat with you and survive the night.  If you are really lucky you might even get a chance to get started on the next generation. (Unless, of course, you are gay.  Then it's just for the fun of it.)

Last night as I was listening to the rain, I was wishing I was not there by myself.  I need to get back online and start looking again.  There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me at night.    I have been offline for most of the past year.  I had been hoping that I could make things work with the Chef.  We have been off and on for a year and I kept hoping we could find a way to work it out.  But it's not going to happen.  Our last conversations was pretty angry and I do not think I will ever hear from him again.  It's just a well really.  He was not good for me and I knew it all along.  Since I am prone to wishful thinking, I was hoping something would change in him or me to make it better.  It didn't.  Aside from the way he acted toward me, I was not in love with him.  He was nice to be around and I like talking to him, but I never had that "spark" feeling like I get when I am with T.   Again, I was hoping it might develop over time.

It didn't

Anyway, part of me is getting used to being alone much of the time.  Part of me is hating being alone so much.  I am taking more time away from K's house and simply going home.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to stay over there, unless I had something else to do.  If I had no plans, I would hang out over there, simply because I had nothing better to do.

Now it's a little different.  I think it's important to establish with K and the kids that I have my own house and I go home when I am done doing what I need to do with the kids.  If K is not working, I sometimes do not go over at all.  I will go home directly after work and stay there for the evening.    Sometimes I will go and hang out until they all sit down for dinner.  Sometimes I stay and eat, but most of the time, that's when I go home and eat on my own.  

When K is working I go until my daughter goes to be or about 9:00pm, which ever comes first.  I am there to make sure they get their homework done and they are getting ready for school the next morning.  I don't really want AJ doing that kind of thing unless it's absolutely necessary.  

So when I go home, I sometimes sit around and watch TV.  Sometimes I get on the treadmill while watching TV.   I am usually just there alone.   The past couple of nights my youngest son has been coming to my house for the night.  I like that, but I don't push them one way or another.

Part of me is getting used to being home alone and even liking it.

Part of me hates it as much as it always has.

Either way, I really wish there was someone there to snuggle with when it rains.

Time to get back on the horse and find my Prince Charming.


Biki Honko said...

It's good you are developing space between you and K, while still keeping the children close to you. And you youngest son wanting to spend the night with you must make you very happy!

Do you have any gay friends who knows someone that might be right for you? It seems that friends are the best avenue to a good match, as they know both of you well.

Good luck on dating! Just keep looking, hes out there, I know he is!

RB said...

Based on your last post, I really think that you and T will ultimately get back together. Maybe the two of you will wander aimlessly online for a few more years, but ultimately you'll end up reconnected.

Too bad you can't just make it work now.

Anonymous said...

Hi enjoy readying your blog - keep it up. I'm glad you are enjoying being at home by yourself and it is hard at times wanting someone to share your ups and downs in life. I was in the same situation but the more I began to enjoy my own company the more people began to see a happier me which reflected on dates i went on.I worked out i wanted the right person and not the wrong person for the sake of having somebody . It is hard but the right person is out there and they are probably going through the same situation