I have mentioned before that I have not come out to my kids yet. It is really the last thing that I need to do to complete my coming out. I have committed to myself to get this done by the end of 2011.
A couple of times over the past 6 months have I mentioned to K that we should work out a plan for how to tell the kids everything. Each time I did, she put me off. She was not ready for that just yet.
Now something has changed.
K called me this after-noon as she was heading back to work. Apparently she had a conversations with the oldest son yesterday that concerned her.
When she mentioned to him that AJ and his daughter was coming to the house he got quiet. When K finally got his to talk, he asked a series of questions.
The details are not important, but my son basically asked these questions:
- What wrong with K? (Why can't she stay married to me?) Answer: There is nothing wrong with mom.
- What is wrong with Dad? (Same question) Answer: There is nothing wrong with dad.
- You don't fight, do you still care for each other? Answer: Yes we do.
- Why can't you stay married? Answer: Sometimes things happen and grown ups can't stay married.
Well, he did not really like that last answer but did not ask any more questions.
K is reading some things into his questions. Some were expected and some were disturbing.
Because my usually talkative son got quiet when she mentioned AJ, K is worried that son thinks that K is sneaking around on me with him. That he might think she is whoring around, which of course is not the case. She want us to explain to them, at least the older 2 kids, why we are getting a divorce. Why it is OK that K is hanging out with AJ and ultimately the nature of my relationship with T.
So over the next couple of days, or weeks, we will figure out how to tell them the truth. She also want to make sure we do it such a way so they don't feel like we have lied to them or that I did anything to K on purpose. We need them to feel sure that they will be OK. That we will still be a family, even though our family may take on a different look. It will be important that they continue to feel loved.
Even though it is something that I know I need to do, I am a little stressed about about it. This HAS to go right, and it has to go right the first time.
I'll keep you posted, but for now, I'm going to bed.
3 comments:
Follow your instincts... and be honest...
My only two cents...
Love ya Dude, keep on hanging on. It gets better!
Tom
Congratulations to you and K for being so committed to the well-being of your children! That is a major achievement in itself. It is interesting, isn't it, how very observant your son was about the changes in your relationship?
If i were you, i would contact your local pflag group and see if they have any info on how to come out to your kids. The deal is, you cant bullshit them. You are going to have to be brutally honest to them, no trying to white wash things, and be ready to answer the hard questions they are sure to ask.
When I was at the transgender conference, they talked about how to come out to your family. One of the suggestions was to write them a letter. Here are the guide lines for writing your letter.
1. its not about you
2. be reassuring, your children will be scared
3.they will be shocked
4.talk about them in the letter, not you
5 no more than 2 pages
6. give them the letter, and give them some time to digest it, and be ready for them to ask you questions, and be honest with your answers.
hope this helps, im sure that things will go well for both of you
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