His Airman, His Marine

There has been a lot of talk in the past few days about the gay Marines and the welcome home kiss they shared when one of them got back from deployment.  But yesterday I stumbled on another picture.

I then followed a link back to one of these guys blog pages.(here).  (One is in the US Air Force and the other in the is a Marine.)


There were other pictures.  I hope they don't mind me posting them, but I was so moved by them

Photo caption: "At the end of the day… even across the sea. You’re the last person I speak to and see…. and first to wake up to and see in the morning. Physically and Pixelated… we’re never apart."


And there were a few more:

Go back and take another look at these pictures.  You can just feel the love these two guy have for each other.  It is palpable.  You can see how happy they are to be together.  I do not know how long they have been together, but they seem like they are so at ease together as if they have been together a long time.  So comfortable.


These is the way I feel when I am with T.  When we are together I am smiling, even if just on the inside.  I feel like these guys.


There is another lesson I can learn from these guys.  They seem to be able to be happy even when they are apart.  Being in the military, I assume they are sometimes deployed separately for long periods of time and still they smile.


Today I am feeling whiny.  I miss T and I was not able to go see him tonight.  I will see him tomorrow, but I want to hold him now.  I had and long day at work and when I got the K's house this afternoon, she was upset about several things, the kids needed help with homework and I was tired.  If I was going home to T's arms when it was over, it would not have been that bad, but I was gong home to my empty bed.  I was feeling lonely and whiny.


But now, I feel a little silly.  I look at these young guys who are clearly in love and they found ways to be happy and smile in their love.  Even on the days when they are apart.


I guess if these guys can do it, I can do it too.

Startling Admission

I hesitate to even write about this.  Considering I pretty much bare myself completely in this blog, I should be able to write about anything, right?   I was not sure I was ever going to write about this. 

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I have been reading gay romance novels.

There.  I said it.

Stop laughing.   I mean it!!

I know, I know.  What man reads romance novels?  Gay ones I guess.  (As a side note, my sister reads my blog and I know I will soon get a mocking text about this.)

Several years ago, before I met T and before I really came out to K, I found a website that published gay stories online.  Not porn stores, just gay stories.  I found several stores written by someone who calls himself DomLuka.  The first story I ready was called “The Ordinary Us”.  It is about a closeted gay high school kid.  (to find it click here) 

Then I read another one about an older kid, post high school age, who comes out to this parents, get’s kicked out and goes to live with his older brothers.  While there he falls in love with a troubled kid who lives next door.  There is also a sequel to it as well.

I was reading these usually when I was traveling.  Waiting in an airport or on a plane.   I started to read lots of books, but the ones by DomLuka are extremely  well written.  I felt for the characters and got sucked into the stories.  In a lot of way I was identifying with them and I wanted to live their lives, but I was trapped my denial that I was even gay at all.  Never mind that fact that I was in a straight marriage.

I guess it was a escape, but at the same time there was a lot of regret in me too.  That I was wasting my life being in denial.

I stopped reading them when I stopped traveling so much.  I didn’t have as much time on my own and I think I was starting to get tired of them.  These “coming of age” stories all seemed to follow a similar pattern.

About 2 weeks ago I found a website that reviews gay-themed books.   By far the largest categories of gay book are erotica and romance.  I was surprised to see so many authors of gay romance novels are straight women.   The one I reading now was written by a straight woman.

I looked through the top rated ones (Apparently, there is a lot of crap.) and I checked to see if they were downloadable on my e-reader.  They were.  So I bought 4 books.  I am almost finished with the second one.

So, why are these books so interesting to me now?  I am not in the closet anymore.  I have a partner (notice I didn’t say boyfriend) who I am deeply in love with and who loves me back.  So why am I reading?  What I am escaping from?  Over the past few days I have thought about it, I don’t think I am escaping from anything.  I think the stories resonate with me on a more aspirational level.   On one level they tell the story of something T and I already have.  Deep love and commitment.  On another level, they tell the story of something we don’t have yet.  We are not together all the time.  We are not living as partners in life as we are partners in your hearts.

Everyone knows that I want that daily, life partnership.   Maybe reading the stores of other people who have found the happiness they want will inspire me to keep perusing my own with the only man I have ever loved.

Homeward Bound

My trip to the UK is nearly at an end.  Today is my last day in the office.  Tomorrow morning at 7:30 the car service will pick me up and take me the 90 minutes to Heathrow.  I will board a flight that leaves at 12:00 and lands 8 and half hours later in Dulles. I will then connect to Charlotte.  I am really excited to be home.  I simply cannot wait.

I checked my lights this morning.  The flight across the pond is jam packed, but I really don’t care.  I just want to go home.  I even checked to see if there were any over night flights that I could maybe hop onto this evening, but no luck.

On balance, I have had a good time here in the UK.  I love listening to these people talk.  I have lived in the south for almost 9 years and I have never picked up even a hint of a southern drawl.   In fact, I have actively resisted using southern phrases.  But I think if I stayed here for a year, I would pick up this accent very easily.  (They use “cheers” to mean almost anything.) 

My trip was a lonely one.  When K and the kids were living with me, I would really enjoy the quiet of a 2 or 3 day business trip.  Even though it was work, it was a great way to get away.  This trip was WAYYYYY too long.

Last night, I was still so tired after drinking so much the night before.  (Another good reminder that I am not 25 anymore)  I headed to bed to read about 9:30 and by  9;45, I was face down in my book, sleeping with the lights on. 

When I get home, it will be late afternoon in Charlotte, but in my head it will be nearly midnight.   I’m sure I will be tired, but I am not going to go home right away.  I am going to see T.  I know he will still be at work but I will sit in my car in the parking lot and wait for him.   Maybe I will even sleep a little while I wait.

After maybe I will convince him to take for a quiet, romantic dinner.  I know he will be tired from working, but I think I will be able to convince him.  Then we will go to his house.  He will talk to his mom for a while to be polite while I wait patiently.  Then we will go upstairs to his room.  He will immediately take a shower to wash off the day’s grime.  I will lay on his bed and wait for him.  When he comes out, he will set up the work he has to finish tonight.  I will scratch his back because a hot shower always makes him itchy. 

After a little while he will forget about his work and will lay back on his bed.  I will snuggle up with him, placing my head on his chest.  I will listen to the sound of his heartbeat while he gently strokes my hair or plays with my earring.  I will tell him about  my trip and he will tell me about his day.  It is just a perfect way to end my trip in my arms of the man I am so deeply in love with.

The only sad part is, I will have to leave to go home and will not get to spend the night in his arms.

Saturday, I will spend the rest of the weekend with my kids.  I don’t know what we will do exactly, but I can’t wait for that either.

Drunk, but Love Is Like A Laser Beam

Tonight one of the guys in the British office asked me if I had any plans for the evening. Of course I didn't and he offered to take me to dinner.  He is a really nice guy and has helped me a lot with the work I have been doing in the office while I have been over here.  He is about 10 years younger than I am and he has a thick accent that I cannot place, but I really like listening to him talk.  He is not a particularly attractive, but based on the bulge in the jeans he wore to the office today, I think he is pretty well hung.  He is a single guy, who told me about the many girlfriends he has had over the years (the Italian, the Nigerian, the Swedish, etc.).


So after dinner we stopped at the pub next door from the restaurant and he had me drinking Corona with a tequila shot in it (and a lime for flavor).  So I had a beer with dinner and then 5 beers (with shots mixed in) and another beer (without a shot because I thought I was going to be sick) and he drank me under the table.  


I had a good time.  I got a lot of company information (off the record) that I would not have otherwise gotten and besides that, he is a good guy and I had fun.


There were several opportunities to tell him I am gay, but I didn't.  In fact, when I told him I could not have any more tequila, he made a couple of queer jokes, that just I laughed off.  


So there I was, drunk (even as I type this), with another guy who was more drunk and who I could tell had a larger than average cock and what was on my mind?  Cock of course, but not the one sitting across the table.  The one sitting across the ocean.


I was thinking about T.  I was wishing he was going to be there at the hotel to hold me when I came home.  I was hoping that it was his cock I would be ______ing (sorry my mum reads this) tonight.  I miss him so much.  I want him so badly.


I am in my hotel room now.  Alone and still drunk (sorry, more typos than usual).  I am wishing T was here with me.  Not because I am drunk and horny, well yes, because I am drunk and horny, but also because he is the love of my love and I miss him.  I crave his presence near me all the time.  All day, every day I miss him and I pray for the day when we can really be together.  When I will curl up EVERY night in his warm embrace.


Tonight, I am alone in a far away land, wishing for my special man to hold me.

The Later Train

I woke to the sound of running water.  Without opening my eyes, I reach to your side of the bed.  You are not there.


My eyes open.  The clock says 6:30.  We were going to London today.  The plan was to catch the 7:30 train because I knew you wanted an early start.  The water is you in the shower.


Even though I am still sleepy, I summon the will to get out of bed. My skin reacts to the change of temperature between the warm bed and the cool air in the hotel room.  I make my way to the bathroom and there you are.  Standing in the shower.  I take a few moments to drink in the beauty of your naked body.  Your hair is full of soap, so with your eyes closed, you don't see me standing there.  


I watch as you rinse.  The soapy water washing down from your head over you smooth chest and abs, and running over your manhood which is swaying back and forth as you scrub your hair.  I can barely contain my excitement.


You turn around to rinse the soap out of your face.  This view is almost a beautiful as the other.  The soapy water running down your back and over your perfectly formed ass, really was more than I could take.


I stepped into the shower with you.  I press my chest into your back and my arms encircle your waist.  I run my hand up from your abs to your chest and you press back into me.  After a moment, you turn to face me.  You look up me and I stare deep into your eyes, which are the most beautiful I have ever seen.  You lean into me.  Your lips touch mine.  I feel the light stubble on your face because you have not shaved yet. 


A my lips part and you kiss me deeply, I can help but think we probably won't make the 7:30 train.

The Lonely, Crappy Day

I usually don't mind business travel.  I have written about it before.  It's good to get out of the office.  It's good to see new things and meet new people.  I have also said that anyone who thinks there is any glamour in business travel, think again.  Yes, I have an all expense paid trip to a place that some people pay a lot to come see, but today, all I can think about is going home.  Before today, the longest I business trip I have taken was 4 days.  That was about one day too long.  This trip is 12.  I want to go home.


Don't get me wrong.  I like England and Cambridge.  In fact, I have been thinking that this is a place that I would not mind living, but not by myself.  Not without my boyfriend and my kids.


Today I took the train into to London and I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my whole life. 


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I got up, had breakfast at the hotel and walked 15 minutes to the train station.  I hopped a train to King's Cross Station in London.   Once there I got approached my 2 very cuts Asian men.   I assumed they were going to ask me for directions.  They asked if I knew where Platform 9 3/4 from the Harry Potter movies was.  I told them I didn't know and this was my first visit to London too.

Then I went looking and I found this.


Apparently there is such a thing.  It is located in an  area near Platforms 9 and 10, but it is not in the place shown in the movie. Not that it seemed to matter.  When I got there, there was a line of people waiting to take a picture.  I waited 10 min to get this shot.  When I was done, I was surprised to see the line had grown many times longer than it was.


I thought it was a little gimmicky, but I took the picture because I knew my kids would think it was cool.


Then I went on a mission.

K is a collector of pins from Hard Rock Cafe's.  She has lots of them from places either she or I have been.  I have gotten her pins before.  Most recently from Toronto and now London.  So my first mission was to get some pins for her.  I also picked up a gift for one of my sons.  I don't usually bring back presents from my business trips, but I think this will be an exception since I am gone for so long.


After that, I headed back to the Tube toward Westminster. 

The Westminster Tube station comes up right at the base of Big Ben.  I walked half way across the bridge over the Thames river and snapped this shot of it and the Parliament Building.  Just as it was starting to rain.  And not a fine, misty drizzle, but real rain.  Just f-ing great.  It's not bad enough I was going to be lonely and cold.  Now I was wet too.


I found a place to eat lunch.  A nice Chinese place that was out of the way.  I might have missed it except they had a guy (kind of a creepy guy) asking people if they wanted Chinese food.  I was glad I did.  All the places to eat were packed.  Because this place was out of the way, it was quiet and relaxed.  Even the food was pretty good.  I hung out there for about an hour.  Leisurely, drinking my beer, eating my meal and reading my book (I downloaded several gay romance novels onto my Blackberry Playbook before I left home)


I went back outside after lunch and it was will raining.  Fuck this.  I'm going back.  I was not having fun.  I was not gong to be having fun.  I was lonely and tired of being lonely.  Being wet sure as shit was not going to help that.  I made my way to the train station and headed back to Cambridge.


Did I waste and opportunity to see London?  Maybe.  There is always tomorrow.  It's not supposed to rain, but I am thinking I will just take some walks around Cambridge and see more of this town.


I talked to T tonight.  He worked much later that he usually does on a Saturday.  Just hearing his voice was lice soft music.  After listening to all the British accents this week, his Vietnamese accent sounded a little thicker than I remember it.  It's still was so wonderful to hear his voice.

I miss him so much.

Busy Week

This is the office building in Cambridge where my company has an office.  I found out the business office is in London, but the engineering office is here.  I like this office better.  People are packed in like sardines, but everyone is working hard for a big roll-out they company has coming up.  


I am enjoying my time in England.  Everyone here is super nice to me.  I have been introduced to some of the most wonderful food like "bangers and mash"

I have been taking pictures of all lot of the food I have eaten on this trip.  It's not very pretty, but it was incredible!!!


Today my American co-workers flew home, so I am here alone.  I usually don't mind traveling for business alone, but usually it's just for a 3 or 4 days.  Not 2 weeks.  I miss my kids.  I miss K.


Most of all, I miss T.  I miss him a lot.  He is doing his best to keep in touch.  Between the long hours he works and the 5 hour time difference, it is not easy.  I bought an international texting plan before I left.  It was expensive and I almost didn't get it.  I'm glad I did.  Being able to text with him is all that is keeping getting depressed with loneliness.


I have not had much time to be depressed though.  I have been working hard during the day and into the evening.  Then dinner with my American co-workers (who are now gone) and then it's into bed.  Then up early the next morning to do it all over again.


There are a lot of Asian people here.  Most of them are younger.  Probably students at the colleges that make up Cambridge University.  Most of them are people I pass on the side walk and they hurry past me on their way to where-ever they are headed.  In there cases where I see they are talking, I strain to hear.  What is cooler than an Asian guy speaking with a British accent?  No luck though.  All the people I have heard talking are speaking a language other than English.


Tomorrow, I am going to get up early and hop a train to London.  I'm going to head the London Eye.

I'ts just across the river from Big Ben and other touristy things in London.  I really don't have a plan and I'm just going to see where my feet take me.  I am just hoping that the rain will hold off.


I am hoping it will be fun.  I am going to do my best, but I know I will not be able to stop thinking how much I wish T was here with me to share it.

Tourguide?

By the way, I was wondering if I have any blogger friends in the UK (near Cambridge) who might want to help me out.


I am looking for things to do this weekend.  I will be here all by myself and I am looking for something fun to do.  I'm also thinking about taking the train to London.  I would be interested knowing not only about the gay hot spots in London or Cambridge, but other "must see" places.


If there is any advice you can offer, that would be great.


Even better, I would love to meet up with someone in person.  Even if it's just for lunch or a drink.  I'll buy!!


Let me know.


arvis3@yahoo.com

Happy Valentine's Day!!

My first full day working in the UK was pretty good.  Everyone was really nice and I was pretty productive.


Today is Valentine's Day, and the guys in the office were all talking about the evenings they had planned with their wives or girlfriends.  There was one guy I thought mentioned his partner, but my gaydar was not pinging on this guy.  Maybe I mis-heard or perhaps my gaydar does not work on the Brits.


Anyway, I was thinking about T.  While I am over her incoming text messages are free.  I have to pay for outgoing messages.  So to make sure I was not lonely, I got a steady stream of messages from my honey.  I'm sure he was busy at work today, but he make some time for me today.

Travel Journal

As I was traveling this morning I had my Blackberry Playbook with me, as I usually do.  It was the perfect thing to jot down some notes en route.

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I'm writing this just after 6:30 am and at about 20,000 feet.  I'm guessing I am flying over Virginia and out my window I am watching the most beautiful sunrise.  There is a deep red strip right above the  horizon.  The sky above is a light blue which darkens as you look up into the still dark sky.  When the sun broke the horizon, I snapped this picture.

I love seeing the sun rise.  I actually think sunrises are more beautiful than sunsets.  Maybe because it's the start of a new day rather than the end.  My long trip has barely begun and already I find myself wishing T was here with me to share the sunrise.

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9:35 (EST) and according to the inflight map,I am flying 27,287 feet over Connecticut at 547 miles per hour. 

About an hour ago I met my boss.  He just got off a red-eye from San Francisco.  He was in a much better mood than I would have been.  We chatted for a few minutes and then they called our flight for boarding.  Boss and I are not sitting together, which is how both he and I like it.

On the plane, not only is there no one sitting next to me, there is no one in my row.  Even though I am in the shitty coach seats, I still have room to spread out some.  That and my full compliment of electronic devices will keep me happy for the flight.

I like flying.  There is something magical about how a machine so large can be held up by just air.    But that's not the coolest part.  I love looking out the window.  I always get a window seat.  Looking at the tops of clouds makes me happy.  As I look out the window now (passing over Maine and Canada), like this morning I am wishing T was here to share it with me.

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With a lot of time on the plane to think, I have noticed that since coming out my gaydar is improving.  I saw lots of people in the airport today that I was pretty sure were gay.  Some of them were attractive.  Some were not.  I saw lots of Asian men, but none of them tripped the gaydar.  Maybe I am not so tuned in after all.

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It's 2:17 at home, but it's much later here in the middle of the North Atlantic. According to the map, I am directly south of Iceland.  I'm not sure what time zone they are in, but it's night time here.  I think it is pretty cool that I have seen both the sunrise and the sunset from the air today.  Again, my thoughts then turn to T.  If he were here holding my hand as we took this adventure together, how wonderful would that be?  All that remain of the sun is a thin red strip, just above the horizon.  In front the. darkness of night.  I really don't like flying at night.  Not because I worry the pilots can't see, it's that I can't see.

---------------

Now I am in my hotel room in Cambridge and I'm trying to get ready for bed.  My body thinks it's about 8:00pm.  The clock on the wall here says it's almost 1:00am and I have to be up early.  

Also I wanted to talk to T before I go to bed.  I tried to cell him on Skype, but I think because a strange number came up, he didn't answer the phone.  :-(

Good night my love.  I will talk to you tomorrow.

Ready For Departure?

I am not quite packed, but I have everything I need laid out on my bed.  I just need to roll up my shirts and stuff them in my suitcase.  Actually it's T's suitcase.  He's letting me borrow it for my trip.


I was a K's for a good chunk of the weekend.  She was not there, I was there to spend time with the kids.   Yesterday, I took the two younger kids to the movies.  We saw "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3D.  The kids really liked it.  I thought it was OK.  The 3D was not great.  (I actually think I am over the whole 3D fad)  But it did not matter what I think.  It was just important to have that time with the kids before I left.  I have never been away from my kids for 2 weeks.  I am a more than a little stressed about it.

Yesterday, I also went to see T.  We spent a long time together.  You can ready about some of it here at T's blog.  We drove around a long time last night looking for a place to have dinner.   I was driving to a place that I thought T liked, but as we got closer, he told me that the place had changed owners and was not good anymore.  CRAP!!  Then we drove to a PF Chang's, but the wait there was over an hour and a half.  Too long for both of us, not to mention, they were all waiting shoulder to shoulder.  We headed to another place.


All together we spent over an hour in the car, much longer than necessary.  On the flips side, it was really nice to have that time alone with him.  When we are in the car I am free to hold his hand (and other parts) if I want to.  We can talk freely without worrying who is around to over hear.  It was just nice.  (also it was FREEZING out and my car's heater works really good.


After dinner we went back to his house, headed up to his room, laid on the bed, and watched TV.  

I cuddled up next to him, laying my head on his chest much of the time.  I was happy to be with him.  I was calm and peaceful like I always am when we are together.  But last night there was a touch of sadness.  I am not going to see him again for 2 weeks. In the first year we were dating, I might go a few weeks without seeing him.  But now, that is simply too long.  I will miss him a lot.


I am going to put a few dollars on my Skype account and I will be able to call him from my hotel room after working all day just before I go to bed.


It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Back to Work. It's Like I Never Left.

Yesterday I started my new job with my new company.  It started with an all day meeting with their biggest client, who is my former company.  Sitting in an all day meeting was just like I remember it. The only good things about it was, we all got a free lunch and I got paid for the day.  (That's really good.)  Just counting my salary for yesterday and today, is more that I made in a weeks worth of unemployment.  (I still don't know why Republicans think that unemployment comp is a disincentive to get a job.)


Anyway I am not producing anything at work yet, just learning stuff.  And there is a lot to learn.  This company is a small start up (fewer than 100 employees) and there is so much of the information that I need to learn is tied up in the heads of just a few people.  If any one of those people got hit by a bus, the company would be totally screwed.


Anyway, I am grateful to have a good job with a company that has a good product and a good way to sell it.  


In a note of irony, I had lunch today with some friends from my old company.  They told me that there is another round of downsizing that is going to happen.  Today they sent a company wide e-mail asking for volunteers who would be willing to leave.  YIKES!!  I'm glad I landed a job before I have to complete with all the people they are going to let go.

Tonight I am going to see my beloved.  I have not had much of a chance to be with him lately.  I saw him on Sunday, but I was not able to stay long.  Tonight I will get there earlier and plan to stay later than usual.  Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere and can just work from my home office.

Did I Just Step Back Into The Closet?

When I was working at my old job, I was partly in the closet.  I was out to my boss (who was also gay) and one other co-worker (a lesbian).  I was not out to anyone else.  Not because I was afraid for my job, the company has a fairly strong anti-discrimination policy, it's just that a lot of my co-workers had known me for a long time and I didn't want to seem like the guy on Jerry Springer's Show, who comes out of the closet and leaves his family.


Once I got laid off, I made it a point to check out the companies I applied to.  Did they have written protections for gay people?  In my state, it is OKEY DOKEY to fire someone for being gay.  In fact, I could be fired and the company could put in writing that the only reason they are letting me go is because I am gay.  Knowing that, it was important to find a company with internal protections. 


Knowing this, I had made the decision in my head that I would be open and honest about who I am and my personal relationship.  Not that I talk about my personal life that much at work anyway, but as you talk to people things like this eventually come up.  It just seems like the right thing to do, is to be honest from the beginning.


Yesterday, I had lunch with my new boss and another guy they hired in my area.  This company now has 5 employees in North America.  Two in my state and the other 3 in California (my boss is based there).  It was a getting-to-know-you lunch.  It was very casual.  We got our official written job offers and then standard confidentiality agreements to sign.  We talked about what my role would be and my upcoming trip to England.


As we sat there, Boss fired up his laptop and started booking airplane tickets for us.  After selecting the flights you have to supply the airline with personal information.  Gender is one of the things they ask, in addition to birth date and some other stuff.  So as Boss is entering information he is talking out loud.  When he gets to gender, he looks up at the other guy and says, "You're male, right?"  


Then he goes on to tell the story of a person working in the UK office who he described as "indeterminate sex"  He did not say it in a way that suggested he was sympathetic to the plight of transsexual people.  I said nothing.


Later on, we were talking about Boss's home town which is just outside San Francisco.  The other guy (who is from the deep south) mentioned how he thought it was beautiful there when he visited several years ago.  During that visit two guys had tried to pick him up.  He sounded like he did not like the fags hitting on him.  At this point I told him maybe he should be flattered.  He didn't answer, but I don't think he was flattered.


By now, I decided this was not the time to be talking about my personal relationships.  When the meeting was over, I walked away happy I had landed a good job, but not as happy I may have to go back into the closet during working hours.

Look Kids! Big Ben. Parliament.

Even as I have started school my job hunt continued.  I got contacted several weeks ago by a head hunter with an interesting opportunity.  I gave him my information and he checked a my references.  Last week he called me and said that his client wanted to talk to me.  The company was based in the UK and they were going to have a person in my area this week.  


I talked to him this Tuesday.


Yesterday, I talked to the VP of North American Operations who is based in California.


This morning I talked to their Director of Customer Service who is in London.


This afternoon the head hunter called me back to let me know they wanted to offer me a job.   That was fast!!


It's a good job, with a good salary in a field that sounds very interesting.  I accepted the offer and they are already asking how soon I can come to the UK for 2 weeks to get up to speed on their operations.  Holy CRAP that's fast.


After being out of work for 4 1/2 months, I don't think it has sunk in yet that I have to start getting up for work soon.  I am very excited.  Thrilled.


So what about school?  I think I will have to drop my classes for this semester.  I think I can still do it and get a "W" for the class rather then an "F".  Then starting this summer, I will start again, probably with one class.  Then another.  This will be slower, but I think it's a good idea.