Won't Someone Think Of The Children

Neither K and I are seeing our shrink anymore.  


We don't really need them anymore.  Together we are in a good place and separately we are in good places too.  But we did go and see the one K was seeing today.  We wanted to get some advice.


With me dating T and K dating AJ, and AJ having a teen daughter, who knows they are dating, it is time to tell our kids what is going on.  K and I have to tell them at least that we are separating.  I don't know if we will advertise the relationships with T and AJ at this time, but sooner or later they will figure it out.


The relationship with K and AJ will be much easier for the kids to see.  They are tuned to see straight relationships.  My relationship with T will be a little harder for them to spot, but, sooner or later they will find that out too.  Then will find out that I am gay.


We are not going to get into the gay thing with the kids yet.  We will wait for that later.


Since we are going to continue to live int he same house with the kids, there is should not be a whole lot of change for them.

I have going to see T on Saturday.  I am very excited about.  I have talked to him a few times this week, but not as much as I would like. It's really my fault, I have a had a TON of work I have had to bring home every night.  


Last Saturday, when we were together, we connected like we had not been apart.  It was so nice to be with him and I could tell that I am really in love with him.  


I am feeling better, happier, today than I have in a long time.  I am grateful to K for sporting me and not going crazy and to T for loving me.  Things are working out for me and I am happy about it.  K pointed out that she told me over a year ago that everything would be OK.  


I guess I should have listed to her in the beginning.

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

Well, it is probably gives me too much credit to say I had a plan, but a lot of things are going just the way I had hoped they would.  There are still things to do.  There are still some changes I have to work out, but most of the really hard work is done.  


I no longer have regrets about coming out.  More than ever before I am sure that it was the right thing to do.


I am (mostly) not worried about the future.  Thing are returning to an even keel and I can feel the old me, returning to the surface.

In many ways, am happier than I have been in a long time.  I have my best friend who loves me and I love her.  We are resolved that we will co-parent our children together, at least for the foreseeable future.  I am determined that K will not be a single mom and she is determined that I will not be a dad separated from his kids.  


We are going to stay in the house we have for the time being.  


The house has formal dining room that we have never used that way.  Right now there is a computer that the kids use, some toys and a large piece buffet that my mother gave me.  But we really don't use the room for much.


When the house was built there was an option to put a set of French doors on the room and make it into a den.  K knows some contractors who can help up put that in.  The opening to the room would have to be framed some before the doors can be put in, but I think for a skilled contractor, it feels like about a days work. 


This would give each of us our own space and keep us together with the kids.  Since we still love and like each other  We should be able to pull this off nicely.

Moving Fast

Things are moving fast.  Maybe too fast.  A lot of it is out of my control.  


One thing that is very important to me is stability.  I like things that are consistent, predictable and reliable.  My life is not like that any more.  


Of course, anyone who has been reading this for any length of time, knows, my life has been changing for over 2 years.  But it have been changing slowly.  Over the past month it has been moving much faster.  There has been one driver.


K has a new boyfriend.  She and AJ are really hitting off and things are moving.  I wonder if it is stressful for be because it is moving out of my control.  For the first time it is K calling some of the shots and not me.  Yes, I knew this day would eventually come and I REALLY am happy for her.  It the change that is unsettling for me.


I really need to put on my big girl panties and get over this.  I have to say that I really am getting almost everything I hoped for.  You would think that I should be jumping around happy.  I mean really, what is wrong with me.

• I have a man that I love and he loves me back.
• I am out to my family and they are supportive of me.
• I am out to K and she still loves me, supports me and remains my best friend.
• K has found someone that make her feel good.  She says they are not in love, but she can see that coming on the horizon for them.  
• Her new boyfriend is accepting of her, our kids, and me (you know, the gay soon-to-be-ex-husband)
• Because of her new found love, she is easier to live with.  She is happier.

So, I have all this change and all of it is working out exactly like I was hoping.  I don't understand why I still feel stress about it.

Sparks Are For Pussies

T and I met tonight in person.  It was the first time in over 2 months we have physically been together. (as opposed to on the phone)

There was no spark.

There was fire.

In many ways it was like we had not been separated at all.

It is well after 1:30am and I need to sleep, but I had to get this out first.

Straight Pill

I am gay.


I am gay.


I am gay.


I never wanted to be gay.


I still don't want to be gay.

I accept that I am gay.

I am gay.


I was having a conversation with Emerging Identity the other day and he told me that though his coming out process was difficult (like it is for everyone) he is in a place where he is happy to be gay.  I does not think that he would want to be straight.


I told him point blank, "You are a moron."


I have accepted that I am gay.  I know there is nothing that will change that.  I did not choose it, it was assigned to me.  I have to live with it honestly and openly.  I have to be who I am in order to be happy.


That said, if there the FDA approved a "straight pill" or there was a therapy that actually worked.  I would stop writing this ridiculous blog and get in line at the straight clinic.  Once I took the pill I would come back to K and, if she was available and show the passion of a straight man that loves her like I do.


Who the hell would not want to be "normal".  Yes, I know, being gay is normal for me, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if I was normal like everyone else.


Does being gay define who I am?  Yes, in many ways it does.  Do I dwell on the fact that I cannot be straight even though I want to be?  Not any more.  I know that I am who I am and that's ok.


There is a long way between accepting something and preferring something.  On NPR several weeks ago, I heard a commentary from a man with a genetic and degenerative illness that left him without the use of his arms and legs.  He has never walked and needs almost constant assistance for even the most basic functions.  He said he did not support efforts to find a cure for his illness and if they found one, he would not use it.  I think that is CRAZY.  Again, accepting the had you a dealt without regret or pre-occupation with "what if..." is a good thing.  But that is not the same as preferring to be that way.  If you can fix it, why would you not?


I accept that my eyes are not as good as they used to be.  But because I prefer to read myself as opposed to relying on others to read for me, I wear glasses.


Yes, I know.  "The Gay" is not an illness.  Yes, people who are gay should be accepted like everyone else.  If they were I might not feel that way, but the truth is, gay people are not accepted.  It is hard for gay people in this world.  If I had a choice, I would not be gay.


That said, I am gay.  I cannot simply pretend to be straight and I am not doing that anymore.  I am going to be honest about who I am.  I am going to embrace who I am and I am going to follow my heart.  As much as I love K, I do not have the capacity to love her like a straight man does.  I love T that way.  


It is the love I share with T that will make having "The Gay" bearable.  When I am with him I feel "normal".  I feel like I am where I should be.  He makes my heart happy and my love for him is open, honest, and without reservation.  For a long time, my love for K was presented as straight romantic love.  For a long time, that's what I thought it was.  But I have learned it was a love with reservation.  "If only she was a man." or "If only I could stop thinking about men"


Tonight I am going to see T for the first time in a long time.  We are both very excited about it. I am really looking forward to it.  We have a lot to talk about to see where we want to know and the kind of relationship we want to have.

Living Vicariously Through the Blogosphere

For most of my life I was living a lie.  I was pretending to be a straight guy when I was just a big queer.  Looking back now, I wonder how I was able to keep myself fooled for so long.  


From the first day I had a hard drive, I have had pictures of nude men on it.  Hidden away in an obscure sub-folder where no one would look. I knew where it was.  You would think that would be a clue to myself that I was not straight.  I don't remember what I told myself.  Maybe I assumed that all straight guys likes looking at naked men.  (Sounds kind of silly now.)


I used to discreetly seek out anything day.  I would watch shows with gay characters.  News stories about gay anything.   I found web sites that publish gay fiction stories.  I read blogs written my gay men.  I did not just read the blogs by married guys.  I also read blogs by young gay guys who were sure of who the are.


I read the blogs of young gay men (and some old gay men) not for any creepy reason, but because I was pretending to live their world.  When I would get an especially strong yearning for a man, I would read some stuff, look at some porn and before you know it I was feeling better.


The funny thing was, the same things that, for a while, calmed my "urges" would also lead me out of the darkness of the lie and out into the open.  I am not completely open, but I am out of the closet. Out of the bathroom and even out of the bedroom.  I am getting ready to step out onto the front porch and into the sun light.


I am done living the lie.  I am done living my real life through others.  Now, I am starting to live for real.  It is starting to feel good.

Feeling Uncomfortable

I am not feeling Uncomfortable, K's boyfriend, AJ is, just a little anyway.  I asked if he was uncomfortable because I am gay, she didn't thinks so.


I think she is uncomfortable because our situation is so unique.  he told her he could not think of anyone that would react the way she is.  We do not fight, very much.  We are still best friends, and getting better.  We are probably going to continue to live in the same house for the foreseeable future so we can more effectively co-parent the kids and neither of has to be a single parent.


She thinks AJ will get used to the idea and she has told him this situation is what it is and I am not going away anytime soon.  I hope he does.  Sometimes discomfort turns into something else.  I hope that does not happen.  K really likes AJ and he seems to like her.  I would hate to be the cause of this getting screwed up.




In other news, I have been in contact with T and we have made arrangement to meet up.  It was supposed to be this weekend, but he has a family function on one day and I have one on the other day.  Grrrr.  Now we will have to wait until next weekend.


All indications are he will give me another chance.  I have lost count of how many times.  Might be 4 or 5.  Yikes.  At first glance you might thing he is desperate.  He is not.  He is a VERY attractive guy and I know when he has a profile up on the dating sites, he gets a fair amount of attention.  


You might think it is because I am incredibly hot.  I'm not.  At least I don't think so.  He says I am handsome, but I doubt it's enough to put up with my crap.  


There is only one more explanation.  He loves me.  After everything, he loves me and is at least willing to talk about taking me back.  There are still things to work out between us, but just that he is talking to me, makes me happy.


So one the one hand, I have a man who loves me and I am in love with who cannot be a partner who will live with me.  On the other hand I have a burning desire for a partner who loves me and I am in love with who will live with me.  I have been giving that a lot of thought.


Since I have learned that the love T has for me does not grow on trees.  When a man loves you that way, it is a gift.  It is a treasure that you should hold on to.  Of course, the other part of that is I am in love with him too.  The way I feel when we are together there is a feeling in my belly that I just cannot describe in words.  When he holds me, I feel complete.  I feel safe.  I feel loved.


So he cannot live with me, at least not for a long time.  I have explained why before.  That is a desire of mine.  To have my partner with me all the time.  To experience the day elements of life together.  I want that badly, but I also want T.  I want him badly.


He has told me many times that for my situation, there will be no perfect solution.  So let's see where I stand.  K is no longer angry (at least 99% not angry), actually seems happy sometimes and is still my best friend.  T still loves me and is willing to consider being my boyfriend again.  I am still in love with him.  He cannot be a full time (live in) partner.  So of the 4 things that are really important to me, I have 3 of them.

I think I am coming to realize that it is the love that might be the most important.  That to have that love between 2 men is a rare thing.   For all the things he gives to me, maybe I can just love him in return and make a sacrifice.  Sacrifice the dream of having a live in partner, at least for now, in exchange for that in love feeling.


I have been wrestling with what my life should be for too long.  I have been in analysis paralysis too long.  I am nearing the end of my deliberations.  It will not be long before I make a leap of faith.


Leap into the arms of the man I love and who loves me back.

New Beginnings?

I am back to normal at my house.  Well, normal for me anyway.


I have been thinking about my trip last weekend.   I did not make a love connection, but I have a new and stronger friendship, than I had before.  I am grateful for that.  It is true that sometimes these connections build over time.  If IG lived closer to me, we might be able to forge that connection over time, but being so far away, I don't think it can happen.


Of course there is another consideration.


I realized that I am still in love with T.  The separation we have had over the past couple of months has done nothing to diminish my feelings for him.  This trip reminded me about my feeling and now I have to deal with them.


Now I have to consider what to do with those feelings.  I am not really sure.  


I have talked to T and he, correctly, thinks I need to take some time and really think about my feelings.  I do.  In the past I have had feelings about certain things.  I then mixed those feelings with some reason and added a healthy dash of fear.  Take all that and bake it in a 350 degree oven of self doubt and you have the mess I find myself in today.


He is right, I do need to take some time, but what about this:  He is talking to me.  This is a big fucking deal.  After all the crap I put him through he could have told me to go screw off.  He didn't.  He could have told me, "I told you so."  he didn't.  He only wants me to be sure I of my feelings.  He wants me to take time.  No one else would be like that.  It shows that he loves me.  I shows he still cares about me.  That is the kind of love that signs are written about.


Of course his living situation has not changed.  He will not be able to be a partner that sleeps with me every night.  Do I really need that?  Is it the most important thing?  Maybe not.  Maybe having a man that love me and I can love in return is more important.


Maybe I need to accept that I will not find everything I want in a man and look for a man who has most of what I want.  A man who has the most important things I want.  Maybe that love, that spark, that magic, is the most important thing.  Maybe it has been right here all along.


Something more to think about.

Landing & The Magic

I made home after a really good long weekend.  It was a lot of fun, but I am really glad I am sleeping in my own bed tonight.


IG and I had a really good time.  He took me all over his state.  He showed me things I had never seen before.  He did things with me that I had never done.  On top of that I enjoyed every minute of my visit and our time together.


For a couple of months now I have been talking about how I feel a connection to IG.  How we have things on common, but I needed to meet him to see if what I was feeling was real.


So what did learn?  I learned that IG is a really good guy.  I learned that we had a really good time together.  I also learned that the spark or magic or "stuff" that is between 2 people who are in love, was not there.  I wanted to feel it.  I tried to feel it, but it was not there.  On our last night together we talked about and it seems it was not there for him either.  He did not feel the magic either.


In the end it was OK.  We had a good time together and we know what it will be like for us to be together and now we can maintain a friendship now that we know.


I did have a realization this weekend about the magic, the spark between lovers.  It was something that I have felt before.  I can remember the exact moment I felt it last.


The last time I was together with T. 


I don't know why I did not see it before.  Why did not see the love we shared for what it was.  The magic spark that I was looking for all long.


I have some more thinking to do about this and I will probably write about it more then.

Wheels Up !!

I am all packed and ready for bed.  Wheels up at 6:20am (EDT).


I am very tired but excited, so I am not sure I am going to be sleeping well tonight.


I plan to blog at least one while I am away, so I will let you know how the trip is going.

Leaving on a Jet Plane ...

This week has been hell.  I am taking Thursday and Friday off from work.  Now just because I have a 3 day work week, does not mean I have a 3 day work load. I still have a crap load of things I have to get done before I can leave the office tomorrow.  I have been bringing work home every night, in addition to shuttling the kids to activities.  I have not packed anything.  I am not even sure that all the clothes I need will be clean.  Hell I am not even sure what the weather is going to be like in Internet City this weekend.

K have been pretty good this week.  A little but of grumbling, but not too bad.  I think she is hoping I find some happiness pretty soon.  Maybe she figures that if I can get my shit straight (no pun intended) then I can get the hell out of her hair.

The other night we (me and K) did talk about my trip.  Once, she was younger, she took a trip to Internet City (Back before Al Gore invented the Internet) and we talked about some of the places she thought were cool.  

Expect for about 10 min on Monday morning I have not really talked to Internet Guy.  He has his own activities and kids to deal with too. So he understand where we are coming from.  Even so, I would prefer to have a little more time to chat.  Oh well.  



I do not really know the plan for this trip.  IG has been keeping that pretty close to the vest for now.

Here is what we know.  I will be arriving mid-morning.  He will meet me at the airport, we will pick up a rental car and head to a major National Park, with the plan to be there before sunset.  I really want to get some sunset pictures.  

After that, I am not sure what the plan is.  We have decided not to book hotels in advance and just see where we end up.  I can get to hotels.com on my Blackberry, so we should be in good shape.

It's an adventure.

Boy is it.  Every part of this is an adventure for me.  I am not the type that plans every detail of everything, but have never been that far from home without at least knowing where I was going to sleep that night.  

I am ready for an adventure.  If I am very lucky, it will begin the adventure of a lifetime!!

Wheels up in just under 30 hours.

Anticipation

Main Entry: an·tic·i·pa·tion

Pronunciation: \(ˌ)an-ˌti-sə-ˈpā-shən\

Function: noun

1 a : a prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action b : the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation

2 : the use of money before it is available
3 a : visualization of a future event or state b : an object or form that anticipates a later type
4 : the early sounding of one or more tones of a succeeding chord to form a temporary dissonance 

www.m-w.com

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I am waiting. 

In about 120 hours I will be in the Atlanta airport waiting for my connecting flight to Internet City.  That flight will last just over 4 hours.  The drama queen in me wants to say that when I land I will meet my destiny, but I think that sounds a little over the top.

I am sure that I will meet a great guy that I have developed real and deep feelings for.  As I have said before I need to meet him in real life to see if the feelings are really real.  To see if there is a connection when I look into his eyes.  I think that is very important.  

I need to know if there is a physical attraction.  I mean if I get all the way you there are I get met at the airport by this middle aged, balding, fat guy, ...  well... I guess that will mean he looks just like me.  I'm kidding of, course, I have seen his picture and I have sent him mine, so I know what he looks like and he knows what I look like.  But there is a ... something... that draws people together.  Some people call it "chemistry", or "spark".  I don't have a name for what I feel, but I will know it when I feel it.

I know that IG and I will have a good time during my visit.  I know that we will have good conversation during my visit.  I know we will deepen the connection that we developed on the telephone (thank God for rollover minutes).  But will we have the spark?  I sure hope so. 

I am waiting with great anticipation.  I know that one way or another, a new chapter in my life will begin in just under 120 hour.

Finding Our Own Way

Well, we are talking now.  Be careful what you wish for. 


Last night K and I were talking about my upcoming trip to Internet City to see Internet Guy.  I have said before that she is not thrilled about me being gone for 4 days.  Well last night she had anther reason to be ticked off about it.


Thursday night she plays softball on the church league.  She usually does not take the kids with her, but this time she had made arrangements for one to the church youth to watch the younger ones while she played.  It was a little annoying to her she had to do that, but it was not so bad.  Last bight we realized that our youngest son has a baseball game on the same night.


She now has to skip the church game and bring my son to his game, which does not make her happy.  But it's worse than that.  Because the church league requires a certain number of women on the team, if she does not play, the team has to forfeit.  This has really ticked her off.


"If I knew I had to do everything myself, I would be OK.  But now that I depend on you, I have to let down my team of the boy's team." she said.  (Or something like that.)


We talked about it a long time and mostly got no where.


I know that when this is all over I will make K into a divorced mom.  I know that has to happen for both of us to move on.  What I have been determined not to do is turn her into a SINGLE mom.  I think there is a difference.  I cannot be the husband she needs.  But I can be the father that everyone needs.  And part of that means being there for her.  Giving her time to recharge.  To do things that make her happy.  To take the kids off her plate for a while and let her go be.


I think that I am supporting her in her journey to find her own way.


Maybe I am fooling myself.


So I have been thinking.  K will find her own way.  She is smart, strong, independent.  I know she will be OK because she will make herself OK.  I want to support her, but maybe I am not supporting her in the right way.  Sometimes it makes me feel like I am making it worse for her instead of better.


We will talk more about that tomorrow.


For tonight she is on her date with AJ and I didn't want to bring it up today.

We Don't Talk Anymore

Earlier this week K and I were talking about the date get has with AJ tomorrow.  She is very much looking forward to it.  During the course of our conversational, she said something to the effect of, "It will nice to have a good conversation with someone."


"What?  We talk all the time." I retorted.  


"We have not had a deep conversation in a long time."  she said.


I did not like that too much, and I did not say anything about it.  But I did think about it a lot.  She was right.  We have not been talking much lately.  I mean we talk every day, but it is transaction, roommate talking.  We talk about the kids, we talk about the events of the day, but we have not talked much about what each of us think about things.


I guess for a while, I have been avoiding that topic, because that always led to her being angry with me.  But that time is mostly over.  It has been a long time since I have seen the angry ex-wife and more of the best friend.  There has been more of a separation.  While some of that is good, I cannot let us get too far apart.


Our relationship has changed. Of course that is a good thing and it needs to happen.  It is continuing to change, that too is a good thing, but I thing it also needs some care and feeding.  I think that I need to make an effort to reconnect with her.  Not as a husband, but as her best friend.  Really more than that.  We are family.  Gay or straight. Married or not.  We are family.  Because of our situation, I cannot leave that relationship to chance.  


So on Friday she will have a night out with AJ.  Hopefully he will connect with her on a level that I cannot.  I will see if she wants for us to go out on Saturday and we can connect where we can.


Maybe I will take her to the mall.  I don't really like shopping, but where else does a straight woman go with her gay best friend?