Night of Surprises

In a strange blog twist, I posted this picture last week saying that T and I have never been dressed up together.  Well now we have been.  Who knew?  (When I wrote the previous post I didn't know the dress code for the party.)

When the guests started to arrive, T and his siblings all had jobs to do.  They had worked it out in advance.  One would act as the MC and coordinate the band and make sure the guests knew what to do.  Two of them maintained oversight of the kitchen and keeping the food hot and replenished.  T and the other siblings were in charge of greeting guests as they arrive and showing them to their assigned tables.     

I hung out at the back of the room near the main entrance.  I wanted to be near T.  I maintained some distance so I would not be in the way.  I liked watching T as he greeted the people coming in.  He was so warm and friendly.  It made me think that when we are living together we should have dinner parties.  T is a good host.

Most of the people were distant relatives or friends of his parents.  People I would likely never see again, so I didn't mind he did not introduce me to most of them.  But there were a few he did.  Once was an older woman he has known for many years.  One of his closest friends.  He has told her about me and our relationship. 

"This is Jim.  My boyfriend." he said.     "I know" she said with a smile towards me.

I smiled and filled up with happiness.

While I did have a seat assignment, I made the decision that I was not going to sit in it.  I was going to stay with T.  I was going be there if he needed to do anything. More importantly, I was going to be near the man I love.   I was a little worried that he might want me to sit so as not to get anyone gossiping about us.  But it never happened.  I stayed by his side through the entire night. 

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A whole bunch of other things happened that night.

While I was stand there one of T's sisters came over and handed me some cards.   "Hold these.  I think there is money in them."  And she hurried away.  I tucked them into my jacket.  This continued as people arrived.  I was handed all the cards and envelopes that guests brought.  

T has another close friend.  T describes him as being like a brother.  I have seen him several times at T's house.  He has always been nice and friendly.  Tonight he was in charge of photography. He took a million pictures.  At one point he came a took a picture of T and I.  We stood next to each other and smiled.  Snap!  Later he came back.  I was holding a water bottle, but T put his arm around me.  Snap!  Later he came back a third time.  This time we stood close and both put our arms around each other.  Snap!   Each picture made me a little bit happier.

I was one of 4 white guys at the party.  T's niece is married to a white guy.  He was working as the bar tender for the event.  The other two are T's CPA and his lawyer.  I also made the observation that I was the tallest guy in the room.  (I am 5' 10")

Since I spent most my time standing in the back of the room.  In my suit.  T's sister, the one that kept handing me checks, joked that I looked like a Secret Service agent.  All I needed was an ear piece sticking out of my jacket.  I thought that was funny.  I mentioned it to T and he thought it was funny too. 

At the end of the night T again greeted everyone as they were leaving.  I stood nearby.  Most of the people ignored me, but occasionally someone would shake my hand and thank me.  I thought that was a little strange since I had not really done anything.  I smiled and thanked them for coming.   One elderly gentleman came to me and said, "You have done a great job with security."  At first I was not sure if he was joking, but I don't think he was.    "Thank you, sir." I replied.     Once we were alone, I told T about it and we both laughed together.   

Staying with him for the evening and in public was special.  I felt like we were there together, not just there at the same time.  I told him so and thanked him.  He opened himself up to some uncertainty in how people would react.  I wanted him to know that I appreciated it.

Once the last guest left they wanted to have a large group picture.  All of T brothers and sister.  Wives, husbands, grandchildren.  I figured I would not be asked to join in so stayed in my place by the door.  But again I was surprised.  I was asked to join, not only by T but several of his siblings.  I stood next to T behind his parents, in the middle of the picture.  I was very happy.  I noticed the only 2 white people in the shot was me and T's niece's husband.  I told T that someday people will see the picture and ask why the security guy and the bar tender were in the family picture.  

I fulfilled my "security guy" persona one last time that evening.  Everyone was a flurry of activity breaking down the event.  There was a lot of stuff that needed to be removed form the church and loaded into cars.  Lot's on mini-vans and SUVs packed to the gills with stuff.  What did I take in my car?  I took all the stuff from the gift table, of course.  Who else would you trust with all the portability valuable gifts people brought for T's parents?

So as you can see, this night was a tremendous success for me.  T's mother made a point of thanking me for all my help and it was clear to me she was happy I was there.  T and I drove back to his house to unload all the stuff.  when it was done, my car was blocked in so we sat next to each other by his koi pond.  

It had been a long night.  We were both tired. My feet hurt.  I was very happy.

Setting The Table and The Emergency Supply Run.

After getting the cake I returned to T's house.  He and his parents were all changed for the party.  (He looks damn good in a suit.)  I had brought my suit with me, but had not put in on yet since I knew I would be working.  He drove his parent to the party and I drove my own car by myself.  I wished he could come with me, but his parents don't drive and I needed to have my car with me.

T was supper stressed.  He is a planner.   This party has a lot of moving parts and he wanted everything to go well for his parents. By the time we got the church hall, it was clear the preparations were behind schedule.   He asked me to help with setting the tables with plates, chopsticks, and the other things you might expect. 

I got half the plates out and couldn't any find more.  It turned out not enough were purchased.  T asked if I would take him and his mother to the store to get more.  T was even more stressed and I knew he appreciated me driving him.   Off we went and got all the last minute stuff.  When we got back it was time to finish setting up.

All together it was a couple hours of work to get everything ready.  I was happy to help out.  With everyone doing their part it made me feel like I was part of the family.  I was actually a little disappointed when we were finished. 

We finished just before the guests were due to arrive.  It was time for me to get changed.

Can You Go Get The Cake?

I am sorry to have made you wait.  I have been swamped at work.  Even T is getting impatient waiting to see how this story ends.

In case you forgot, our story takes place last Sunday.  K was working, so I worked it out with AJ to watch my kids for the day.  

I got to T's house just after noon for lunch.  There were a million cars there.  Well, not a million, but a lot more than usual.  I parked on the street and walked up to his house.  He met me at the door with a big smile.  He guided me to the kitchen which was full of people.  Everyone was talking in Vietnamese.   T's younger sisters said hi to me and then went back to their conversations.  

Because of the party, his house was full of relatives and friends who were staying at his house.  (I think another work for them is "freeloaders").  T started introducing me to people.  He did not introduce me as his boyfriend, or partner, just a friend.  I expected that, but I thought it was nice he was making a point introduce me.  It was not something he always does, so I appreciated the special effort.

There were so many people there was no place to sit at the table so a lot of people were standing up eating around the kitcen.  While I was putting food on my plate, someone started talking to me.  It was T's oldest sister.  I have written about her before.  She generally ignores me, but not today. She lives most of the time in California.  She had arrived a couple of day previous for the party and would probably be staying the month.

She took me off guard, since she had never spoken to me before.  She told me she about her new granddaughter.  (T had told me his nephew had a new baby) and we talked for a few minutes about babies.  I could not believe it.  It was a total shift from what I was used to from her.  She was warm and friendly.  WOW!

After lunch it was time to get the cake.  The picture at the top is the actual cake in my car.  I knew it was a tall cake so I was nervous about it.  He handed me the papers from the bakery and I saw what he paid for it.  Now I was even more nervous.  The last thing I needed was to be remembered as the guy who ruined the cake.

I headed off with one of T's sister-in laws.  She does not speak much English so I didn't think there would be a lot of conversation.  T often talks about how nice she is and she also know's the true nature of my relationship with T, so I automatically felt more comfortable with her.  

We got the cake, loaded it in the car and I drove the 20 minutes from the bakery to the church hall.  I spent the whole time white nuckled on the steering wheel.  I pretended I had raw eggs on my feet and I had to operate the pedals gently so as not to break them.  After what seemed like forever, we pulled into the church parking lot.  Mission accomplished!!  I did not have to unload the cake myself.  There were already people at the church setting up, preparing food, and such.  They took the cake and brought it into the large walk in cooler.  I felt a huge weight lift on my shoulders.  

Before I headed back to T's house, T's sister "D" asked me to help her bring in some huge pots of soup.  Really big pots of soup.  Oh, and they were hot too.   Of course, that was no problem, I was happy to help.  We each grabbed a handle and carried them into the kitchen.   When we walked in, I heard "Hi Jim.  Bring that pot over here."  

What?  Someone called me my name? I don't remember that ever happening before during one of T's family gatherings.  Again I was taken off guard.  Truth be told I did not recognize the person who spoke to me, and there was not any real conversation, but the acknowledgement by name was really nice.  I also did not expect any conversation.  The kitchen was a flurry of activity, so there was not really time for chit chat.  

It was at this point, I was starting to feel hopeful the evening was not going to be as horrible as I first feared.  

Bracing For A Horrible Night

This month T's parents will have been married for 60 years.  T and his family threw them a big party.  They rented a hall, hired a band, and cooked lots of food.  T invited me months ago and, of course, I told him I would go.  

The event was last Sunday.  I want to write about lead up to this event and the event itself.  It will take several posts to go through it all and might take me a week to write it all, but I feel the need to get it out.

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Over the past several months T has been telling me about this party.  It was almost like planning a wedding.  Guest lists.  Invitations.  Food.  Entertainment.  A few times I went with him to stores to buy things for the party.  There was a lot of stuff to buy because his family decided to make all the food themselves.  There is a restaurant that usually caters events for the Vietnamese church where he attends and where the party will be.  But T's family does not like the food.  Since they have a large family, with a lot of good cooks, doing it themselves seemed like the right thing to do.   

People attending would include his immediate and extended family,  family friends and even the employees at his clinic and his sisters pharmacy. There would be well over 100 people.  That sounds great to everyone but me.

Remember the gay thing?  That is going to be a problem.

I have written before about T's fears and his family fears about more and more people knowing he is gay.  And worse, knowing he has a boyfriend (and a white one, no less).  They worry about the gossip that will go on.  It gives them stress.  It gives his mother stress.  T is worried about his business and that it might be uncomfortable for his employees.  I have made it clear that I think it's total crap, but there really is nothing I can do about it.  I just have to live with it.  

Last year around Thanksgiving T took his whole staff out for dinner.  He invited me, but told me I could not sit with him.  He didn't want in the office anyone to talk.  When the big group picture was taken I put my arm around his sister and smiled for the camera.  It was very hard for me to deal with that.

So fast-forward to last Sunday.  The morning of the party for his parents.  My blood pressure is already rising.  I wonder what I will say if someone asks me how I know the family.

"Tell them you met me and my sisters through a friend." he tells me.  My blood pressure goes up more.

I know that most of his family will ignore me.  That's usually what happens.  I will get a polite nod or a "hello" but not much beyond that.  To be fair, lately his mother has been much more open with me, but I expect with a lot of other people around that will not be as much the case.  

I tell him today will be very uncomfortable for me.  History has taught me that, while T and I will both be there, it will not feel like we are together.  I will be sat a table with his lawyer,  CPA and other American guests for the duration of the party.  He will check in on me but not much more than any of the other guests so as not to raise suspicion.  I will see him around, but I will not be with him.

He stared to get defensive, but I cut him off.  This was not the time to talk about it.  Today is not about me, it's about his parents.  I tell him I am going because I love him.  I will help him as much as I can.  I ask that he keep me busy as much as possible so I can get through it.  

My first assignment...  go get the cake.

Over the next several days I will write about what happened.  

It did not unfold in the way I expected.   Stay Tuned.

I Like Going Out

I imaging that T and I look like this when we go out.  We have never been out together in tuxedos, but I'm sure we would look great!!  Well...T would anyway.

T asked me to come over to his house this week.  He needed me to help with some stuff at his house.  When that was done he need to run a few errands.  Of course I was happy to take him where ever he wanted to go.

We hit several stores, but the one we spent the most time in was the pet store.  He wanted to get some new koi for his pond.  I as he was picking out his fish we looked together.  When the store person came to actually get them out of the tank, I alternated between poking around at things in the store and see how T was getting along.

We got the fish and headed back to his house.  After putting the fish his pond, I had to head home.   On the way home I am reminded in how I delight in going out and doing things with him.  Anything.  No matter how mundane, as long as we are doing it together.

Dad, I Know Where You Are.

I have not had the chance to write much lately, but it's because I have not had stuff to write about.  I have note pad with a bunch of things over the past few weeks that have happened that I really want to get out, but I just have not had the time to sit down and write.    Today, I am attempting to work on the backlog.  

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I was hanging out at K's house, sitting at the kitchen table with her, AJ, and my oldest son.  AJ had just come back from a college visit trip with his daughter and he was preparing another trip to the same state.  

Oldest Son: You are going back to Florida?  What for?  You were just there?

AJ: Are you keeping track of where I go?

Oldest Son: Well, I was just asking.  I wanted to know where you are going.

Me:  Hey!  Wait a minute.  Why don't you ever ask me where I am going?

Oldest Son: (looking at me like I am crazy.)  Dad, I know where you are.  You are either home, at T's, at work or here.

On the Outside

When I was married to K, we really integrated into each other families.   When we would visit her mother or her sister's house, I did not feel like I was K's boyfriend who was visiting for the day.  I really felt like I was part of the family.

Even now, they all know I know I am gay and I have been divorced from their daughter for almost 2 years, I still feel like family when I am there.  

Once or twice a week I am at T's house and around his family.    Usually I have dinner with them and then hang around the house for a few hours before I have to go home.  

His family's attitude toward me is always polite and usually friendly.  His 2 younger sister make a point to say Hi.  One of them will often engage me in conversation.  His mom is friendly and will usually smile when I come in.  She remembers the foods I like and if she makes one of my favorites, will often send me home with enough for the next day.  His dad will acknowledge me, and make sure I get enough to eat.  He is somewhat hard of hearing, so conversation is not something he does much of.

Despite their friendless I always feel like an outsider.  It's kind of like, they are OK if I am there, but  doubt I would be missed if I was not there.  I am not part of the family.  I am T's friend.  It even occurred to me the other day, if something were to happen to T, would anyone in his family even think to call me?

To be fair, part of this is my fault.  I do not speak Vietnamese and I have not put much effort into learning.   They have most of their conversations in their native language and it's not reasonable for me to expect them to change just because I show up for dinner.  So in that regard, I have put outsider status on myself.

Part of it is because his family does not really accept him as a gay man.  To me it feels like a dirty secret that everyone knows about.  Like the uncle in the family who has been in prison or used to be a drug addict.  Everyone knows about it, but no one talks about it. 

I also think part of it's because we don't live together.  He lives with his family and I am an occasional visitor.  When I was married to K, it was rare that K would see her family without me. Over time, it became natural to them that she and I were a unit.  We (the two of us) were a new, complete family unit within the larger family.

Despite our love, T and I are not a family unit.  We are not together as a family.  We do not function as a family unit so why should his larger family think of us that way?  They shouldn't and they don't.

So, I even though T and I think of each other as partners, his family does not.  I can tell and it makes me feel like an outsider.

OK, so I told you that story so I could tell you this story.

The other day, T invited me out for dinner with his family.  They were celebrating some good news in T's business and he wanted me with him. (Which was totally sweet!!).  During the course of dinner, T did something that was very embarrassing to me.  What happened is not important, but I was very upset about it.  I know he did not mean to embarrass me, in fact until I told him afterwards, he was not even aware that I was upset about anything. 

After it all died down, I reflected on it.  If K had done the exact same thing to me with her family, would I have been upset? Of course, was my initial reaction.  The more I thought about it, however, the more I knew that was not true.  The fact is, I doubt I would have been upset about it at all.  

Then I had to figure out why not? What I think it boils down to is feeling about being the outsider.      With K's family I am in insider.  With T's I am not.  When you are on the edge of a tight knit group that you want to be part of, you are self-conscious.  Because you want to be accepted by the group, what they thing of you is important. T is always going to be close to his family.  The scenarios that have us living together mostly involve us living together with his family, so it is important they like me.  It is important they accept me.

T has assured me for everyone else, this was a non-event.  They didn't even notice anything was out of the ordinary.  But still it nagged in the back of my mind.

Will we (he and I as a family unit) ever be really accepted or will I always be an outsider looking in?

Want to Meet Me For Diner Tonight?

It does not happen often, but once in a while I get surprised.  T is very predictable.  (No, honey, I am not saying you are boring.)  He works a lot, his work happens on a schedule, so his discretionary time is predictable.  It actually makes it easier for us to get together since my kid-driven schedule is kind of crazy.

On Thursday I was with my kids, and I promised the younger two, they could stay at my house on Friday night.  T and I rarely see each other on Fridays, and since K and AJ like to go out, it makes it good for everyone if I take the younger kids to my house.   

On Friday morning, I got a text from T.  "Want to meet me for diner tonight?"  Just getting a text from T at all during the work day is unusual, but getting invited to dinner with short notice, is almost unheard of.

Of course I told him I wanted to go, but I would have to see if I was OK with the kids.  Since I had promised them, I didn't just want to ditch them.  

"Where do they want to go?" came the next question.  So not only was T inviting me out, he want the kids to come too.  (How can you not love this man??)

After work, I headed to K's house, packed up the kids and headed to a restaurant about half between my house and his office.  

It was not a romantic dinner, but it was another night, that I thought would never happen.  It was extraordinary, in its ordinariness.  It was just a man and his partner and his kids our for dinner.

What's so strange about that?   
    

Putting Me To Work

T is going a lot of work outside his house.  You can see some of it in this picture.  While he designed what he wants it to look like, he does not do the work himself, he has guys that do it for him.  There is some things that he does himself, among them is assembling patio furniture.

He asked me to come and help him.  Not because he could not do it himself.  He just wanted to have an excuse to have me come down and to put me to work. 

He actually bought 2 sets.  One of them was not made correctly so after a few hours of trying to put it together we gave up.  He will have to call the place he bought it from and either have them put it together or get new ones.

The other one when together much more easily.

When it was done, we had a nice dinner together of noodles, beef, and veggies.  I could not stay too late because I had to get back to the kids.  But it was a nice afternoon with my love.  The only thing that would have made it better is if we had gone to our room after dinner to make love before drifting off to sleep.

Amazing Together

Wednesday is my day to have T all to myself.  Well, we both work so I get in all my myself for the night.  Well, except for this week.  This week K got called into work and AJ was working late so I had to be with my kids longer than usual or Wednesday.  

Sometimes I don't even see them at all on Wednesdays.  Often I go home after work and wait for T to come.  This week I had to get out of work early and to bring my oldest son to the dentist. so after I hung out at K's waiting for AJ to get back so I could leave.

T knew my schedule was messed up for the day.  He could have given me the chance to back out of our date night.  He would have understood if I needed to spend the time with the kids.  He would reluctantly offer to cancel our date.  But he didn't

"Do the kids want to have dinner with us?" he asked me.

I was sure that that would but I asked them anyway.  The younger one quickly accepted the offer.  My middle son was all over it too.  They like T a lot.  Even the old boy, who was a little uncertain about being seen out with his dad and his dad's partner, agreed to go as soon as he approved the food choice. 

We had a nice dinner and once we got back, AJ was back.  I was able to leave the kids in his capable hands (after I tucked in the younger 2).

T and I went back to my house and had the rest of the night to ourselves.  We got naked, climbed under the covers and ....  watched "The Amazing Race" episodes I have been recording each week on the DVR.  T and I watch them together and it really makes me happy.

While holding him in bed is the most wonderful thing, it was really amazing to have my kids and my partner together, in public for a meal.  Of course it was not the first time we did that and yet  each time it's just wonderful. 

They Will Want To Live With Him

A few years ago when K and I were seeing a therapist, the therapist told K something that made her blood run cold.

"Eventually the boys will want to live with Jim.  I see it all the time.  Boys want to live with their dads."

A lot of divorced parents with kids have some kind of sharing arrangement with the kids.  A common arrangement is the kids live with one parents during the week and other on the weekends (or alternate weekends).    Sometimes, parents alternate full weeks, with the kids at one house one week and the other then next.  

K and I talked about this when we separated.  We felt that having the kids bounce back and forth between houses would be confusing.  We both think that it's important for them to have stability and a home.  Finally, we decided that the kids home should be with her.

It is inconvenient for me to be there at K's house all the time, but it is something I have gotten used to.  It is a hindrance in me developing my relationship with T and developing other friendships.  But I do it for my kids.  I do it because I refuse to let AJ raise my kids.  It's my responsibility to raise my kids and I am not going to cede that to him or anyone else.

Tonight, my youngest son is sleeping at my house tonight.  One of the things we talked about tonight, is his desire to spend more time at my house with me.  This is the second time he mentioned it.  It came up once before a couple of weeks ago.  He is thinking that the idea of spending one week with me and one week with K sounds like a good idea.

I am all in favor of any of my kids to come and stay with me as often as they want.  It's part of the reason that I keep my house.  I mean, it's not like I need a four bedroom house for myself.  I could be just a happy in a one or two bedroom apartment  and I might even save myself a couple of bucks in the process.

The younger kids spend a few night a month at my house now.  The older boys could if they wanted to, but they have not indicated they want to.  (Yes, I have specifically invited them, but also said I was not going to force them.)  K never offers any resistance when they has to come to my house.  I also do not ask her.  I simply inform her they are coming home with me.

I am afraid that might change if I told her any of the kids, wanted to spend an entire week, every other week, with me.   I worry if the prediction of the therapist that caused her to much fear comes true, there might be a change in her level of flexibility.   If were to happen that my son would want to to live with me full time, she would be crushed and I worry about what might happen.

Too Isolated

T and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago.  It was not a big deal, in fact, I cannot even remember exactly what it was about.    While talking on the phone, I said something he didn't like and got upset.  I didn't like that he got upset by what I said and then I got upset.  Rather than argue on the phone, we ended the conversation.

I was still fuming.

I was home alone.

I was frustrated and I wanted to talk to someone about it.  The problem is, I had no one to talk to about it.  This made me more upset.

I doubt he did, but if T had wanted to he could walked to his sisters room and said, "You will never guess what Jim said to me.  Can you believe it?"  T has a support system.  He has a large family he can rely on.  The family members he is closest to, are right there in the house with him.

It is not in his nature to discuss our relationship with his family, but that's not the point.  He could if he wanted to.  Just having someone available to talk to is comforting, even if you don't take advantage of it.

So there I was, home alone and fuming.  I was getting more and more upset with T, but then I realized it was not his fault that I do not have a strong support network.  I was really upset with myself and jealous of him.  (There was also a part of me thinking that if we lived together and we had had this little spat in person, we would have worked through it and neither one of us would have been upset, but this post is not about that.)

The bottom line?  I am too isolated.  I am an introverted person who likes to be around people, and spends way too much time alone.  I don't have friends I can lean on if I need to and I don't have friends that might need to lean on me.

I need to fix this.  As I get older it is not going to get any easier to meet new people and make friends.  It's not easy now.  I spend a lot of time at K's house with the kids.  When I get some free time, I like to spend it with T.  When the hell am I going to have time to cultivate friendships?

But I need to do it.  Before long, my kids will be grown up and they will not need me around as much.  When the little ones become teens, they will prefer to hang out with their friends than their old man.  What will I be doing then?  Who will I hang out with?  

Even if T and I were living together, (which is still a long way off, if ever) I would still want more people to interact with than just him.  I guess I could count K, but that is not enough either.  I see myself having friends over for dinner.  Or barbecuing in the backyard.  Having a friend (and his partner) over to drink a beer and smoke a cigar on the back porch.  Getting a call when someone needs a ride to the airport or to take their car to the shop.  Friends I can talk to when I get upset or will talk to me when they are upset.  Friends I can ask advice from, or offer advice to.  

There has to be people looking to make connections to others people.  I really don't care if they are old or young, gay or straight (but gay friendly), kids or no kids, married, partnered or single, and race, just someone nice looking to meet other people.  

Where are they?

How can I find them?

I am tired of being isolated.

Tea and Fags

I think I had said before that I work for a British company.  It is a small company, with only seven employees in the United States and only two of the seven are here, including me.  For the past few weeks, however, I have had three British visitors here working in the office. 

They are good guys and I like listening to them talk.  It's kind of like working at Hogwort's.  The only down side really is that two of them smoke like chimneys.  Honestly, they must go outside every 20 min for a smoke break.  I don't really know how they get any work done.  The when they come back in they stink up the office since the smoke smell is on their clothes and breath.

I am not really as bothered by it as it sounds.  It's annoying but I am not bothered enough by it to write a whole blog post about it.  There is one thing and I am not sure how or even if I should do any thing about it.

When they arrived, I picked them up at the airport and brought them to a hotel near the office.  As they grabbed their bags from the trunk of my car one one them said to me, "All right, I am going to take a shower, grab a fag and then I'll meet you in the office about half 3."  

"Half 3" means he would be in the office my 3:30 that afternoon.  

Grabbing a fag?  What the hell is that?

Instantly I remembered that a "fag" in Britain is a cigarette.  And he said it so casually, that I don't think he meant anything negative by it.  It was no different from than when he called the trunk of my car "the boot".  

Over the next few days I heard him casually use that word.

"Let's have a fag, and then we will answer that email?"

"Let me finish this fag and I will look at that problem."

"Put on the kettle and after this fag, we'll have tea."

I don't think they know I am gay.  I am pretty sure neither of these guy have been to America before so they may not even be aware that "fag" is an offensive term here.

I am not sure if I should say something or not.  Maybe I should just ignore it 

The 1950's Housewife

While I was still married and and pretending to be "bi" I would read blogs about gay guys who were just living their lives and dream about that life for myself.   Some blogs were about the single gay guys with large social circles who are open with everyone about who they are.  Others were about the guys in committed relationships, like the marriage I had with K, except they were just being who they are.

Having access to the lives of these guys helped me in immeasurable ways as I worked my way out of the closet and into real life.

Yes, I know that every relationship is different and I do not expect my relationship with T to be like anyone else.  There are some relationship types I aspire to.

In one of the relationships I really admire, the blog author describes his relationship with his husband as like 1950's couple.  While they are both men he (the author) takes on the 50's husband role, and his husband being like the 50's housewife. (This is a crude, abbreviated description of how he has described his relationship.)  

While I admire, and to some extent am jealous of their relationship, I know that my life with T would be different.  I am pretty manly guy and I am not really "housewife" material.  It's just not in my personality, right?

T was over the other night.  He came to my house after work and we planned to go out for dinner.  There were some pretty strong storms in the area and as we left the house it started raining so hard, it was very difficult to see the road.  We turned back to my house and I made some dinner for us.  

I will not tell you what I made so as not to embarrass myself but T pretended to like it.  After dinner we would shower and then snuggle in bed and watch a little TV.  

"Why don't you go ahead and get in the shower.  I'll clean up down here and meet you there." I told him.

He agreed, kissed me and headed up stairs.  I cleared the table and as I loaded the dishwasher I realized I was smiling and humming to myself.   T would have been happy to help me, but I was happier to send him upstairs and do it myself.  

Maybe there is some 1950's housewife in me after all.

Perfect Place for a Gay Dad

 If you girl and you find yourself with a gay dad, there should be some definite advantages, right? 

At this point in the post I was going to do into a laundry list of stereotypes that should make it easier for a gay man to relate to his daughter.  But after i wrote a bunch of them out, I realized that I don't fit most of them, a neither do the few gay people I know.  

This past week was the annual Father / Daughter dance.  It was the third one I have attended with my daughter.  She looks forward to this every year and honestly I have a lot of fun with it too.

For a gay guy I am not much of a dancer.  Actually, I am not much of a dancer compared to any guy, but my daughter did not care.  She was happy I was there with her and I was glad to be there.

It did not take much time for her to ditch me and head into the crowd of screaming girls (ages 6 to 9).  She would resurface a short time later, take my hand and lead me to the snack table where she obtained a slice of cake and a glass of punch.  She had one bite of the cake and 2 swallows of punch before she handed them to me, "Can you hold this?" she asked before she vanished again into the crowd to dance "Gangham Style"

Before the end of the night, (which for this dance was 8PM) she did ask me to dance with her, we got our picture taken and went to inspect a large water fountain in courtyard.  

It was a nice time with my special little girl.

Gay Life Is Pretty Normal

 I read some blogs where the guys who write them hook up often.  When they are not hooking up, they are looking for a hook up.  While I have to admit, this sounds kind of exciting.  There is a aspect of freedom in going out an fucking anyone who is around that is appealing.  The thing is... I don't really want freedom.  

What I want is decidedly more boring.

This past week was a nightmare at work.  To make it even worse, AJ was traveling on business so K need me to help her with the kid more often.  She is in school and Tuesday and Wednesday this week she needed me at her house by 5:30 am, so she could go to school.  I needed to get the kids off to school and then I could go home to work?  I was exhausted.  Wednesday was particularly bad day at work.  So bad, in fact, I needed to bring a pile of work home.  

T was supposed to come and stay the night.   I really needed to see him, but I simply had to have this work done before my bosses in London got in the office the next morning.  I let him know a lot to do and I would not be able to pay as much attention to him as usual.  He chose to come anyway, which made me very happy.

When he arrived, I decided I needed to get out of the house, so we went out to eat at a really good fish place in town.  They have a really nice lobster bisque T really likes.  After a nice dinner we went back to my house.

The room that used to be my daughter's bedroom is now an office and testing lab for me.  There is a long table there where I work most days.  We each had a computer and I set them up side by at the table.  I worked on my stuff and he worked on his.

T is thinking about buying and renovating a property to expand his business.  He wanted to sketch out some plans for the building.  As someone who is intentionally computer illiterate he had not used Google Earth before.  So I showed him and he got a great satellite view of the building he wants to buy with the surrounding property.  I showed him how to use it to take measurements.  We counted parking spaces, and did a rough estimate of the property boundaries.

At the same time, I was working on my work.  I had to pull some data for a report,  write several emails, and do some troubleshooting with some hardware that was acting strangely.  

I took time to help him when he needed it.  He took an interest in what I was doing.  He explained his plan and asked my opinion on several things.  We looked up zoning regulations and figured how many parking spaces he needed with the extra square footage he was going to add.  

I know this all sounds terribly boring, but the truth is, I was happy at that moment.  When I envision my life with T, it's things like this I think about.  Things like this I want.  Being together in an office in our home, even if we are working separately, we are still together.

My work took longer than it would have if I was there alone, but I didn't care.  We were together.

When we finished, we walked across the hall, climbed into bed, snuggled into each others arms and drifted off to sleep.  

I slept better that night than I had in a long time.

Asian Inferiority Complex

I am a person who does not really like the term "race".  I suppose, technically,  I am in an interracial relationship, but I don't think about it that way.  When I think about the main differences between T and I, they are really more about difference in background, experiences and culture.  (I guess that's race??)  But it's not so much about the way we look, but what we have experienced.

Of course I love the way he looks.  I love his smaller frame (compared to me), his round face, and his thick jet black hair.  I love the shape of his eyes, and don't get me started on shape of his ass...   Yes, I think Asian men in general are attractive and of course T in particular.  I guess at this point, I am so used to it, it does not really occur to me any more.  He is not my Asian partner.  He is just my partner.

As much as I bitch about how I want some things to be different, I really like that he and I come from different backgrounds.  I like that, even after almost 5 years, there is still a lot of us to discover about each other.  I like that when I eat dinner at his house, there is often something new to try.  Even if it is something I have had before, it's something I only get at his house.  That makes it special and I like that.

I have heard about something called the "Asian Inferiority Complex".  There are a could of blogs I follow written by Asian guys and they have talked about it as well.  But I am not sure it actually exists.  If there is such an affliction, T does not have it.  He knows how great he is.  He is not arrogant, or stuck up.    He has a quiet confidence that I honestly find irresistible.  

While I joke with him sometimes that he is lucky to have a white boyfriend like me.  But we both know the truth is the other way around.  I am lucky he fell in love with me.  

T's Most Annoying Habit

When T and I get together we rarely have a plan in advance. Usually we know if we are going out for dinner, or eating at his house, but beyond that, it's pretty up in the air.

This is where the problem starts.

I will pick him up at his office and then ask him where he wants to go for dinner.  I figure he's had a hard day and we can go somewhere he likes.  His answer is always the same.

"What ever you like." he says.  

"Well, OK.  What are you in the mood for?" I ask, probing for information.

"Anything." is always the reply.

And it goes the same way every time.  He leaves it to me to pick providing me with almost no guidance about what he would like.  And then if that's not bad enough, once we settle on a spot, he usually jumps in front of me to pay the bill.  

Can you believe that?   He let's me go anywhere I want AND then insists on paying for it.  

It's so annoying.

Maybe A Vacation This Summer?

Things in T's business are shaping up so that he might be able to take a vacation this year.  Not a long one, like for a week, but a short one.  Maybe just a long weekend.

When we can take a whole week, I would like to take him to my mom's camp in the woods of Maine.  I have written about it a few times in the past.  It is in the middle of nowhere and one of my favorite places in the world.  I would just be so wonderful to share that place with him.

As a place I used to go as a child, and where a lot of my family still live, this would be a chance for me to connect him to my family on a deeper level.  When I say family, I mean my family pre-K.  The people and places that are connected to the family when I was growing up.

Plus it's peaceful there.  There are not a lot of people, though more than when I would go there as a kid.    There is a good sized lake.  It is too shallow for motor boats, so it's very quiet, except for the occasional loon.  A kayak or canoe is just the thing to get around with.  At night, I sometimes will take the canoe out to the middle of the lake.  It is so dark at night, you can see so many stars it's just amazing.  To make it even better, the week in August I like to go is about the time of the annual Perseid meteor shower.  Always a stunning show. 

There is a fire pit that my father and I built.  We use the fire to cook the evening meal and then,  we sit around it.  The kids run around in the dark with their flashlights, and the adults relax by the fire.    My mom, my dad, when he was alive, my sister and her husband, and even me and K in years past.  Now there is T. This time it will be him at my side.  Holding my hand as we gaze into the fire.  

I very much want  to share these experience with him.  I want for us to have them together.  Something that we will always be able to hang on to.

Something else that will connect us together.

Too Gay For Me

I was at T's house the other night. We were laying on his bed after dinner.  He was propped up with pillows behind his back and I was laying on his chest.  The TV was on, but I think we were both in that foggy in-between-wake-and-sleep state.


At the top of the hour and episode of House Hunters came on.  (Click here if you are unfamiliar with the show.)  In most of the episodes the house hunter is a married couple.  Occasionally a single person and once in a while, a gay couple.  Last night it was a 2 guys moving from New York City to Los Angeles.  This caught our interest for 2 reasons.  First it featured a gay couple and I always like that.  Secondly, T went to high school and did his college undergrad in the Los Angeles area so he is familiar with the places they were talking about.

It not take me too long to see that one of these guys was a lot like "Jack" from Will and Grace.  There is nothing wrong with guys like that, but it is not attractive to me.  I am attracted to more masculine men.  T's also has a preference for more masculine men.  At one point in the show we both looked at each other and said the same thing at the same time.   We had been thinking the same thing.  

I am not going to share exactly what that was, but what is important is we formed one of those connection points I have talked about before.  The more connection points you have, the stronger the relationship.