Storm Front Growing

There was no school yesterday (Friday) and K was home with the kids all day. I could tell she was stressed out because she was baking when I got home from work. She was making a pumpkin cake and an apple pie. It's not good for my waist line, but she is a really good baker.

After the kids went to bed we talked a lot. She was very angry. She talked about how I was the one who has changed. How she planned to hold to her wedding vows and I was breaking them by leaving.

Another problem she has is her family. I'm not going to go into the details, but they have never been supportive of her. Her parents and her sister talk a good game about how "family" is important to them but they are unreliable. Sometimes they don't even call back when she calls. She has told a few of her close friends about our situation and they are not really much help to her. Its so far outside their experience they don't know how to help her aside from "why don't you through the bum out?"

She feels like since she has no supportive friends and her family is not supportive (or at least not reliable) she will go through this whole thing alone. With no support. To make matters worse, my family is very supportive of me and I think they will be supportive of her too, but right now she wants something that's hers. All this together makes her feel very alone.

In the end, she came back to the idea that we cannot change the past and only move forward. That was a little progress.

The storm is intensifying, but seems to be moving out to sea.

I know that she is not in the right place yet, but I wish she could see me the way I see her. As her very best friend. I really want to be supportive to her, but the truth is I can't help her because she sees me as the husband who has rejected her. Not as the best friend that has finally found out who he really is. I think this is the major source of my guilt.

Right now, being gay sucks. If I thought there was a chance that any of that ex-gay crap was anything other than crap, I would try it. But all those programs do is teach you how to lie. Lie to yourself and lie to others like a potential spouse.

Thanks for the Blogosphere

Where was this 20 years ago?

I have written about my problems. I have read about many men, who are gay, some in my situation and some not. I have read the happy ending stories about men who have survived the break up of their marriages, found not only themselves, but found partners they love and who love them back. I have read about the men who are, like me, still struggling on their journey. I have read about men who are married, too scared to come out, and hiding their true selves from the people they love the most.

I think about how much worse off I would be if I did not have access to the stories of all these men. In some cases I have learned a lot. In other cases I have fantasized about what it would be like to be a well adjusted gay man who is happy with his life and situation. Sometimes I have read every word of a man who is in so much pain where his blog is his only outlet. I have felt the heartbreak these men feel, knowing that I have walked in their shoes at some point in my life.

Thank you to the bloggers who have told their stories so I could not feel so alone. I do not know most of these men, but because they have put their lives on display, I have come to know them. I like the feeling to closeness, even if it is only online.

I have been talking with "Emerging Identity". He lives far from me, but we have talked on the phone several times over the past month. Before we spoke, he had read my entire blog and I had read his (his is much longer) and even though we had never spoken before, I felt like I knew him. I was very comfortable the first time we spoke. I value his insight and perspective. He helps me see there is light at the end of my tunnel. It might be an illusion created by the internet, but it feels real to me.

While I write this blog for myself, but I have always hoped that my story might help another man, the way others have helped me. Maybe it's what paying forward is all about.

I'm Glad You Found Yourself

That's what K told me last night. She said she was glad I found myself, but she added that it had a very high cost and hoped it was worth it.

I am paying a high cost, but I have only made a small down payment so far. I know that the really high payments are coming. When I finally move out. When I have to look the kids in the eye and tell them that I can't live there anymore. They have no idea any of this is coming and they will be shocked and confused. Probably devastated.

Since K and I don't fight, there have been no warning signs for them. From their perspective, this will be out of the blue.

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I have to find a way to re-build K's trust in me. About 18 or 20 months ago when I first realized I was falling in love with T, K overheard me talking to him and telling him, "I love you." Later she asked me if I told T that I love him and I lied and said no. There have been a few other things that I have not been completely honest about either.

I am a horrible liar and she now knows everything, but there is still a violation of her trust. For reasons I am not going to go into, she has serious trust issues. I worked very hard in the early years (yes, years not days) to earn her trust. Even thought I lied to her for what I thought at the time was a good reason, to spare her feelings from being hurt, it was still a lie. A betrayal.

The truth is I have been lying about who I am for the whole time I have known her. I have been lying to her and everyone I have ever met for past 40 years. I was even lying to myself for most of that time. This is not a new story. The blogoshpere is full of queers who "refused" to be gay. Like a lot of them, I did pretended to be straight, thinking that since I was normal in every other way, if I just act straight, I will become straight, like normal people. Add on top of that, a belief that being gay is just about having sex with other men. I did not realize until I met T what it is to be in love with a man. To feel emotional attachment for another man. A much more powerful pull than mere sex, and much, MUCH harder to ignore or pretend it's not there.

Because of this, she is not even sure that she will be able to continue to be my best friend, like I am hoping. Like before I will work hard to earn her trust back. I am gay and our relationship will never be the same, but I need to have her close in my life.

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I came down with a cold over the weekend I stopped at Wally-World for some drugs at lunch time today. I send K a text asking if she needed me to pick anything up for her. She texted back she was in the store (register #17). How cool!! I was there in 30 seconds just in time to put my drugs on the counter and get her to pay for them. (YIPPIE!!!) After we paid I walked her to her car. Then we had lunch together. It was a nice lunch, we talked mostly about the kids and school.

Then she pulled out furniture brochures. Apparently she had been doing some shopping during the morning. She had been looking at bedroom sets. It seems her intention is to give me the set we have now and she would buy a new set for herself. This is the first time she has talked about logistics of my moving. She did not seem angry, but was emphatic that she was not keeping our current furniture. I suppose from her perspective we bought that furniture for us (together) and if she was going to have to be on her own, this would be a fresh start. Or at least a symbol of one.

I guess I don't blame her.

A little sad

I was talking to a friend last night and talking to him makes me hopeful and scared at the same time.

He has walked the path that I am walking now. He has survived and nothing really bad happened to him. When I talk to him I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a view of what my life could be. His life is not perfect, but he knows what he wants and where he is going. I envy him in that regard. But life is not perfect for him either. I'm not going in that that here (you can read his blog for that) but it is also a lesson that once I starting living as a gay man, everything will not be perfect.

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Today I am feeling a little sad.

I don't know how exactly to describe my sadness or what is causing it, but I just feel it. I'm feeling lonely too. I suppose sad and lonely are related.

Sleepy and ...

"No one likes gays who pretend to be straight."

That was the last thing that K said to me before we went to sleep last night. I was too tired last night to ask her about it, but I think I know what she meant.

I have been thinking a lot about living (and loving) with integrity. I have been worried about how my leaving K would effect her. The pain and suffering that we will experience when I leave. The pain of shattered dreams and the loss of a life planned.

But now I am starting to see the pain is here and there is nothing I can do to stop it anyway. While she knows that I love her deeply, I do not love her in the was that a husband should love his wife. She knows that. If I stay here and pretend to be straight, I will be doing just that, pretending and she will know it. Stay or go, the pain is still there.

No one likes gays who pretend to be straight.

Especially straight spouses.

Snow Day

I love snow. Growing up in New England it snowed a lot in the winter. I remember as a kid being so excited when a snow storm was coming and there was a chance that school might be canceled.

I love in the south now and, no, it did not snow here, but I took a snow day from work anyway. (I took this picture just outside Charlotte last year.) K and I were home together most of the day and we did not have a bad day.

I did do work, but I was able to do it from home.

I really needed a break and I feel pretty good about it. Back to work tomorrow.

Flashes of anger and guilt

While things are going OK for now, I got a reminder that all is not as good as I would like. I try to remember that this is a process and I need to have faith that, in the end, it will all work out the way it should.

One of my kids had a behavior problem that required his teacher to call me this morning. #3 son is in second grade and an exceptionally a good student. Usually he has regular 7 year old boy problems at this school but this one was more serious. The teacher called me and I told her we would address it at home.

I knew she was working so I sent K a text message about it and then I went to lunch with some people from work. I did not hear my phone when she called (it was on the in-the-office-quiet setting). I also did not hear the 3 text messages she sent looking for more info. By the time I reached her, about an hour later, she was pretty pissed.

The part that matters here is she mentioned how things for the kids are going to get worse when they start getting teased at school because their daddy is a faggot. I thanked her for adding to my guilt (grrrr) and we finished our call. By the time I got home she was much calmer and we talked to #3 son in a rational way.

It is not uncommon for her to get very angry about something and lash out with something hurtful. The anger never lasts long and once she gets it out, it passes. That is just who she it. I have gotten used to that over the years. This time she picked something that was really concerning to me.

I do worry, a lot about the impact to my kids of having a gay parent. My younger kids are not old enough to really understand, older kids are. Living in this Bible-belt state, I know it is only a matter of time before someone tells them their daddy is going to hell. Being singled out for teasing (beyond what is normal) is another very real possibility. They might not immediately understand that Daddy was born this way, or why I had to live with integrity. All they will know is there is something different about their daddy and it's causing them grief. They will want it to stop, and they will probably resent me for it.

Yes, my kids will survive. They will not die, but will they thrive? Will they be happy? Is the extra pain they will experience so I can live honestly really be worth it? Will they think so?

I hope so.

Thinking about love

I had a good weekend and I have having a pretty good start to my week.

Today is is K's birthday. Last Mother's day I bought her a membership at a local spa so she can get a massage once a month. Her last one was today, so I renewed the membership for her birthday for the next 6 months. She really likes it and is a rare thing that she does for herself. She deserves it.

We have talked superficially about me starting to look for my own place. (The stuff in my price range is not luxury accommodations, to be sure.) We talked some about the kids and about how she will make me take our king sized bed because she hates it and wants a new one.

All in all we have had a good couple of days with my best friend and I feel pretty good.

I have also been thinking about T. This picture hangs in his office. He painted it himself. He painted it when he was dating someone else, but it makes me think of him and I.

While my situation today requires that I focus my attention on myself, my kids, K and work; I think once I am out on my own I will be ready to really explore a relationship with a man. That makes me think of T. I continue to have strong feelings for him. I love him very much. What's more, he has loved me in return. A big part of me thinks that I am stupid for letting him slip away.

Once I have a clear direction in my life and I know what I am doing, I feel like I want to try again with him. If he is willing and available (he's damn cute and lovable). It would not be perfect, there would be challenges, but maybe for love it's worth it. Maybe, just maybe.

Masks

I have said before that K works with youth at a local church. In preparing for her program for tonight she was talking masks. It's duel topic, both for the upcoming Halloween season and they talk about that God can always see who they really are even if they pretend to be someone else.

Apparently the "be yourself" topic is one she covers a lot from different angles with the kids. It struck a cord with me since I have been pretending to be someone else.

I do not pray often. Today I did. I asked for a clear mind. I asked for an open heart. I need to clear my mind and move in the right direction. Maybe moving in any direction will be a good thing.

As K was telling me about the plans for her program tonight, I could not help but think about my prayers this morning. That I need to be myself. That I need to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I need to be a gay man. I need to find a man that will love me and I can love. One that will also understand what it means to have a family (K & kids, kids mostly) that need me to take care of them.

I wonder if that is the clarity I need? Was that the sign that God sent me? Maybe I need to open my heart to the idea that it is.

I see straight people. They are everywhere.

I went with K and the kids to church this morning. After we all went to lunch and then to a local mall. While K was shopping for kids clothes, I waited outside the store and I could not help notice how many hand holding couples passed right in front of me. It was almost like they were teasing me.

I took these pictures about 2 min appart. I took several others too, but I think these 2 make my point. These people are normal and it's so easy for them to be normal. They get up each day and they look into their lover's eyes and they see there exactly what they want to see and what they expect to see.

Their love is normal. Everyone around them expects them to hold hands at the mall. Maybe even sneak a quick smooch. Everyone who sees them, including me, thinks it nice that 2 people are in love. It made me want to be normal too.

Busy and Fun.

This will be a busy weekend, but I think it will be good.

Tomorrow evening K and I will go to the race. She will have a good time and maybe for a little while we can be best friends and forget we are having all our other problems.

Break up in slow motion

So T and I are no longer boyfriends. The truth is that I have been running flat out that there is nothing left for me to give to him. He understands that we can not see each other as much as either of us would like, but I have a hard time finding the time (or motivation) to call him. I just don't have the energy. And it's not just him. Sometimes K and I sit at the same table, each with our own laptop, and we do not speak to each other. It's not that we are mad, we just don't have anything to say.

He was starting to feel resentful that I it was hard for me to find the time to even call. We will remain friends, but not more. I still love him very much, but I can't string him along any more. Who knows, one day when I situation with K is resolved and I am on my own, maybe T and I can try again.

Alone is sometimes good

I frequently go to lunch alone. Not because I have no one to go with, but sometimes I enjoy the quite time to be in my own thoughts. In my previous job I used to travel for business a fair amount. Almost every time I travel alone. Of course I would be working with people while I was there, but at the end of the day they would go home to their families and I would go to my hotel alone. I never minded.

I don't think I would like to be alone all the time. But because it's so crazy at my house (with the kids and all) the quiet time was welcome.

I think when I have to come to an empty home everyday I will not like being alone as much.

Some breaking dawn

I was having a productive day at work. I was thinking about the talk K and I had this weekend. I was feeling sad about it.

K and I exchanged a few texts and when she asked me what was wrong, I told her "It turns out I'm gay and that is hurting my family. That makes me sad."

She replied that she could not change who I am. She also said as irritated as she is I could not "come clean" to her or myself 16+ years ago, we can't change that either. We can only move on from here.

I really love her. I feel like she is letting me off the hook. I know that she will not let go just like that, but for today anyway, she understands who I am.

Swirl

Today has been a good day. Work was manageable and I got a lot of stuff done.

I have been grateful for the comments and e-mail of support I have received lately. They have helped me to feel a little less alone.

Sometimes I am frustrated that the process seems to me moving slowly, but I suppose there are some things that cannot be rushed. I doubt I could move faster if I tried.

So for now I swirl. I swirl and swirl. It's probably getting boring to read. :-)

I have been looking at Craig's List for cheap apartments and rooms for rent. I think the kind os apartment I could afford would be pretty crappy. I could get a nicer place in a roommate situation, but do I really want to share a house with someone I don't know? I have not had to do that since college, and when I had to share one room.

I am a little more in K's good graces for a while anyway. I got tickets to the NASCAR race this weekend. I really don't give a crap about the race, but she really likes it. I told her she did not have to take me but I was available if she wanted to. Looks like I am going. It will be nice to spend some time together. It's been a while.

Admiration and Respect

I love this guy. Not in a creepy stalker way, but in an admiring way. I wish I had his courage.

Meet Army 1st Lieutenant Dan Choi. I'm sure you have all heard his story. West Point graduate, Iraq war combat veteran, fluent in Arabic, and oh yea, he's queer. He is being kicked out of the Army. I don't know what the taxpayers paid to give this guy the education he has, but that investment is going down the drain. All because he was born gay.

One of the things I hear him say in an interview is that telling the truth is the most important thing. There is a conflict between the Don't Ask Don't Tell law and the Honor Code in the Army concerning telling the truth. There is no way for him to be on compliance on both policies. Gay men and women who just want to serve, have to lie about who they are. They have to sit quietly while their buddies develop "normal" relationships, start families. They are banned from living their lives.

Dan Choi said no more. He could no longer hide who he was from his friends at work. He could no longer deny himself a relationship of a man he fell in love with. He could no longer lie. He could no longer pretend to be something he is not. A gay American.

I admire his courage. His father is a baptist minister so I doubt he is receiving a lot of support from home (though I don't really know.) He is losing his job and a career he trained for and by all account loved and was good at. The US Army is losing a man who was an effective leader and an Arab language specialist. Certainly something we need right now. He did not commit a crime. He did not go AWOL. He did nothing other than tell the truth about who he is. That's it.

Why does that have to be so fucking hard?

I mean really. If things were not so fucked up, I would not be in the position I am in right now. I would not be breaking the heart of my best friend. When I realized I was different all those years ago, it would have been OK for be to think of myself as gay. It would have been OK.

I admire Dan Choi and all the other gay men and women who took a stand and said, "I will not lie about who I am. I will not hide in the closet. This is who I am." They did not have to wave a banner, march in parades, or appear on the TV to get my admiration. They just came out to themselves and did not live a lie.

For those of you who, like me, did lie to themselves, but have since come out to the world, I admire you too. As I am learning, it take a good deal more courage to come out late in life. When you are young your deception may be just to yourself, or to a small group of family and friends. When you are 40, or 50 , or older, you have a life time of people you have convinced that you are normal. You have emotional investments in a lot more people and from a lot more corners. In the eyes of others, young people come out as gay. Older people become gay, or they decide they are gay. It is perceived as a change so coming out means you have to admit that you have been lying to them for a much longer time. In some cases, a life time.

Thanks to Dan Choi and others like him. And my other blogger friends who are showing me there is life after coming out. It is an inspiration to me.

Not quite sorted out.

I built a campfire last night. We sent the kids upstairs to watch a movie and K and I sat outside. The night was cool, but not quite crisp and the fire felt good.

We talked about how we are going to get through this mess. And you thought we had it all worked out. Not quite I guess.

She said says she does not want to revisit the past and how it all happened, but she still feels fucked over. And I'm doing the fucking (and not in the way she wants me to). She does not doubt that I love her and that I have "tremendous feelings for" her, but I do not love her the way a husband should love his wife. I told her that was true.

Then she went on. "So either you never in love with me, or your feelings have shifted."

This is a problem question for me. I'm not sure what the answer is. On the one hand I dod not feel like my love for her has changed. I feel like the intensity of my feeling for her and just the same as the day we said "I do." On the other hand, while I have always had a physical desire for men, I have not always had the longing I have now for the love (physical and emotional) of a man. So have I always felt this way? Does it matter?

Yes. It matters because K feels that if I was never in love with her, it means (to her) that I have been lying to her all these years. For now she chooses to believe that there has been a shift.

She also brought up our wedding vows. This is a powerful tool for her. She knows I that I take my promises to her very seriously. I know for some people marriages are disposable. For all the talk of the sanctity of marriage straight people yabber about, there are a lot of divorces. If I was not gay, there is no doubt that K and I would be together until one of us died. We have been through a lot together, and if it was not for this, we could go through a lot more.

At this point I am almost beaten. Maybe my needs don't matter. Maybe the responsibilities I have and the commitments I have made (to both K and the kids) are more important than getting my needs met. I am pretty sure I can meet the needs of the kids. But what about K? Can I meet her needs? Of course the answer is, no. I have not been able to meet them for a long time.

At the end, I think we know we need to move on, but neither of us are very happy about it.

It just sucks.

Then last night I had a dream. My worst nightmare, actually. I don't remember everything, but K was no longer my friend. She was no longer talking to me. It was awful. If that happened in real life, I don't know what I would do.

Damn

I was going to go out with T tonight. I have not seen him since the on-the-phone-at-lunch incident. We would have had 5 or 6 hours to be together and I was really looking forward to it.

At some point this morning my youngest developed a fever and started vomiting. I ran to the store for a few things and when I came back he was moaning on the floor.

K started giving me crap about going out and leaving her alone with all the kids and one sick one. Then threw in a snarky comment about how she is alone every night anyway, even when I am here.

The really sad part is whether I live here or not, had plans or not, she thought I would leave her alone with a vomiting 7 year old. I just wouldn't. Not only because she might need my help, but my son might want his daddy.

*sigh*

Fire. Cleansing or consuming?

Are my hopes and dreams being consumed by the fire?

Is the fire burning away facade that I have put to the world for the past 41 years so I can finally be myself?

One of these is true. I have also considered that both are true. It could be possible that some of those hopes and dreams were based on a false premise. Based on the premise that I even though I am attracted to men and have the feelings I have when I am with a man I love, I determined a long time ago I was not like the gay guys I saw around me. I desperately wanted to be normal, like everyone else.

I knew gay people were laughed at, at best, beat up or killed at worst. And they were all going to get AIDS. At the time I thought of it like any other bad behavior. No different than when I decided I was not going to smoke pot.

I knew I thought men were hot and sexy, but I wanted no part of the life the "gay lifestyle" so I determined I was just not going to be gay and I was going to live a normal life.

And I did for a long time.

Now I find myself standing in the fire trying to decide if my life is over or just beginning.

I guess this is it.

So there was more talking with K last night.

We talked about the text she sent the other day. We talked about what would happen if I did not take action. She would not tell me, but she did say if I left the decision to her, I would not like the outcome and I would have no input in it.

I told her that I was tired of pretending. Pretending I am straight. Pretending I fit in at church and other places. Pretending I am normal. I am also tired of feeling isolated. All this pretending and K was starting to worry that I have never loved her and only pretended to for all these years. I have not pretended, and I still am not pretending. I do lover her. Very much, but right now I don't think that matters to her right now.

She is "irritated" with me. That is code for not quite angry, but a long way from happy.

When we talked about me moving out she indicated she would prefer I leave sooner rather than later. I was hoping to stick around at least until after New Years. She said no. I don't blame her.

I am hoping that she will let me still come to the house every day. I would like to come home after work, see the kids and maybe help with homework, have dinner, etc. She wondered if that would be confusing for the kids. Having me sleep elsewhere, but be at the house every day like everything is normal(ish). I see her point, but I do not want the kids to think I have abandoned them. I think it's important that they see that even thought their parents are not married, they still love them (the kids). I also want them to see that I continue to support her and she supports me. It might be too much to ask. It might not be realistic, but I really want to try.

I don't want the kids to think I have abandoned their mother. K stopped me right there.

"If it keeps you warm at night to believe that, go ahead. Make no mistake, you are absolutely abandoning me." Is she right? From a certain perspective, yes. 16 years ago I did vow to live with her as man and wife for life. I can't get around that. From that perspective she has me.

I also promised to take care of her. And I will continue to do just that. I will take care of her in every way I can. I will be there for her, which is why I may not find a real partner for myself. I will always feel like I need to take care of her and I will have a hard time telling her no on most anything. Especially if she remains best friends with me. If she turns hostile, then it might be easier, but I don't see her doing that. I just don't think that is who she is.

So now I have to find a place to live. Some place cheap. I am not looking forward to that. Even a little bit.

Fear, Guilt and Anticipation

I thought it was about time to post a picture of myself. As you can see I am smoking hot. That might be why I have trouble getting dates. I think most men are intimidated by my rugged good looks. I wanted to keep this a family friendly blog otherwise I would have posted a picture of my oversized ... well, you get the idea.

You know how people who have anorexia have a distorted body image? They always think they are fat no matter how skinny they are in reality? I have as distorted body image too, but in the opposite direction. No matter how bald and fat I get, I alway think I look like this.

Come on, that was a little funny... right? Oh well. *sigh*

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Anyway today was a very busy day at work. I work in the headquarters of a fortune 50 company. I am a line level manager with a couple of people that work for me. It appears over the past several months my job goal is to attend as many meetings as I possibly can. It feels like I am going for come sort of endurance record and I'm having a hard time finding time to do any of things thing I talk about doing in these meetings I go to.

To make matters worse I have not been sleeping that well lately. I wake often in the night and sometimes have a hard time getting back to sleep. Part of it is work related (I bring a lot of work home lately). Part is my situation with K. K and I exchange text messages a lot during the day. I told her I was running to back to back meetings and was unsure how long I could keep up this pace. She suggest if I slept better I might be able to better deal with it. She went on to say if I would make a decision about what it is I want, I might sleep better too.

I told her I did not see how "sadness and destruction" was going to help me sleep. I even told her about the suggestions I have gotten here that the sadness and destruction is a short term thing that will eventually lead to long term contentment.

She suggested that maybe I was not sleeping because I feel "fear, guilt and anticipation of that my life will be life when the dust settles". The most important thing is to determine that I really want. Once I figure that out, it will be easier to figure out how to get there.

She really is the smartest person I know.

I am starting to think that she knows what I want, and she is just waiting for me to figure it out for myself. I don't know what life will be like after the dust settles. I know I don't want to deal with whatever causes the dust to need settling, but in my heart I know that I need to. I know that it is the only way that I will find anything other than the torment I feel today. I have to face it. I have to get through it and hope that happiness is on the other side.

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What do i want?

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I want to take care of my family.

I want to feel like I belong.

I want to not feel selfish.

I want my kids to look up to me.

I want to love and be loved.

I want K to continue to love me the way I love her.

I want to stop pretending to be normal.

Is this too much to ask?

Causing Sadness and Destruction...

Until about last June I had been seeing a therapist. I stopped because I had it all worked out and things were just great. (yeah, right.) After my melt down last week I went back. I had another session today.

K knows I went back and last night she asked me if I had an appointment and I told her I did. We talked a little about what I will talk to her about. I told her (K) I was hoping she (the therapist) would help me think clearer.

I told K that the "gay thing" was not going to go away and asked how could we spend our lives together dealing with it forever. She told me that I already told her what I wanted. I didn't want to be married to her anymore. (don't remember saying that exactly, but guess that is where I am moving to)

When I asked her how she felt about that, she told that I was causing "sadness and destruction" and I should have thought about this 16 years ago. I was surprised about the first part, but the second part she had told me before. And while I don't really expect her to be joyful about the approaching end of our marriage, and I expected sadness (I feel it too) but I was surprised by "destruction". I suppose from her perspective it might look that way.

I also noticed that she said it very matter of factly. When I told her I did not like the being the bearer of sadness and destruction, she told me too bad. I was going to have to live with it and get over it. Again, I suppose she it right.

I thought about it a while before falling asleep. This morning I thought about it some more. It was probably her tone that gave me a little hope. She was not angry. Maybe we are coming to the realization (together) that our separation is the only way out of the limbo we have been living in for the past 18 months.

Until today, I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel. Now I see a little.

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There is something else. T. I have been thinking about T a lot lately. I had come to the realization that we cannot be together now or in the future because of his relationship with his family. I have written about this before so I won't re-hash it today. Over the past several weeks I have been trying to create some space between T and I. I want to maintain his friendship, but I can't be his boyfriend.

The problem is, I am in love with him. I can't seem to get him out of my thoughts. What's more, he can't seem, to get me out of his. When we are together I am so comfortable. I am so at ease. Even if we only meet for an hour at lunch time, just seeing him smile at me, melts my heart.

I love K, deeply, strongly and, forever. When I am with T, in his arms I feel something completely different. It is difficult to explain in words, but I think some of you probably know what I am talking about.

If I love him and he loves me, I feel like I would be crazy to let him slip away. After all, with my youngest being only 5, I will have to spend a lot of time with my kids and supporting K, so maybe I will not be able to find another guy, who might demand more of my time than I can give. T is very supportive of my family and the time they need.

Something more to think about.

Aging, Church & Progress (just a little)

So I am 41 now.

When I was in second grade the elementary school was going to bury a time capsule. All the kids in the school were to put a drawing of some sort in. The capsule was to be buried and dug up in the year 2000. At the time I was 7 or 8. I did some math a determined I would be 32 when the this was dug up.

32? That is so freaking old. I could not comprehend how old 32 to was. How far away that seemed.

So now I am 41 and I wish I knew when I was 32 the things I know today.

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I went with K and the kids to church today. We all sit together like a "normal" family until about half way through the service when K takes all the kid to "Children's Church" as part of her job. The young kids do activities while the older kids and the adults stay and listen to the sermon. It was OK, but I spent a lot of time thinking about the people in the church.

I feel very out of place there. Everyone is really nice and they have been warm and welcoming. They all love K and they love the work she is doing. They are nice to me too. They tell me "It's nice to see you." and such. Every time I talk to one of them I think to myself, "Would they still be so nice to me if they knew who I really am?" Would they reject me? I also worry how they will react to K. Or the kids. When I finally come out all the way, will they still like K as much? They might like her more, lamenting how the homosexual ruined her life. Will they tell my kids that their daddy is going to hell? What will happen if I show up there with my family after my sexual orientation becomes known. Will I get stares and behind the back whispers? I really don't care about that for me, but I do care about it for my kids, and K.

At the same time, I really like the family atmosphere of this church. I was raised Roman Catholic and the church was very large. People did not know each other and it always felt like something you do on Sunday, because God required it. We did not talk to anyone, we did not participate in activities, I did not feel a sense of community. This church community is nice and it feels like a large extended family. It is similar the the feeling I got from the Fraternity in college (without all the drunken beer parties).

When I finally do come out, I may have to find an accepting church where I can feel comfortable. There are some in the area only, including a Baptist church that was kicked out of the Southern Baptists Convention for not kicking out their gay members.

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On the way home from church we decided we would take the kids out to lunch. While trying to figure out where to go, K mentioned that some of the church people were going to IKEA for lunch. Apparently they have a restaurant there that is good and cheap. When I mentioned that maybe we should try it out, K said that since were were going to have to furnish 2 places we might end up at IKEA a lot. I have never been into one of these stores, but I have heard they sell a lot of cheap furniture. I'm going to need that.

The point of that story is that she did not say it with anger. It's not that is was void of emotion, but it was not anger. I think that is a little progress. There are a lot of blogs I have read where the gay husband just has to leave. He simply cannot stay where he is one more minute. He leaves and deals with whatever the consequences are.

I have it in my head, for better or worse, I need K's permission to leave, I need her to be OK with it. As unrealistic as it sounds, I would like her help picking out the place where I will live and maybe even help decorating. I need to have her in my life. I cannot, not have her as a close and positive force in my life.

Today I may have gotten a little (a very little) movement in that direction.