Conflicting Clarity

I have said this before, but it's on my mind, and that's what this blog thingy it for right?

I love K. I love almost everything about her. She is my soulmate and my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

I am gay. Though I spent a lot of years in denial, I have always been gay. I cannot change that I am gay. I hoped it would go away. I even pretended I was not gay. Don't they say fake it until you make it. That didn't work either. Sometimes I long for a man's touch and love so much I can almost taste it.

These thing are crystal clear in my mind. But like matter and anti-matter, they cannot exist at the same time. Well it may not be that bad. K and I have not annihilated each other in a violent explosion. Maybe it's more like oil and water. They can exist side by side quite nicely. They can even be mixed up for a short time, but they always separate out into their parts.

I was up at 4 am thinking about this today. My mind was racing and I just could not go back to sleep. K and I talked about a little this morning. She really is great. She told me I was supposed to be longing for her touch. I told her I wanted to, I just didn't. That was hard to say.

Have you ever has a dream about sex? Not a day dream or a fantasy, but a deep sleep dream. I have them once in a while. Maybe once every other month or so. The are very realistic, they are hot and steamy (no, I am not going to describe them). I have had these dreams off and on since I was a teenager. I usually do not recognize the person in the dream but it is always a man. I'm not sure I have ever had a dream of this nature about a women.

I told K about this, this morning. I don't think I had mentioned to her before today. She did not get angry but did say she was "irritated" with me. Irritated for her is just a couple steps below angry. She did say she did not how I could be happy with her with my desires being what they are.