How stupid am I?

T is angry with me. He has a right to be. He had stood with me for a lot and I may not be repaying him very well.

Here are the bullets:

• I love him and he loves me. We have been seeing each other for about 18 months.
• I am still married. I am not out to my kids or the general population
• I can easily see him as my partner long term, maybe forever.
• Because of his family situation he will not be with me (i.e. live with me, share my life) ever.
• Even though I am not ready now, he knows this is a deal breaker for me. I can agree to almost any compromise, but I do not want to grow old without my partner by my side, and me by his.
• He understand that he is making the choices he is and does not blame for for having that be a deal breaker.
• If we cannot be partners, I very much want to maintain his friendship. He is very important to me.

We have talked about what to do. He told me he does not want to be a "place holder" until I decide I need to find someone else (and he believes once I am on my own I will want to look for someone else). We also talked about keeping on as a dating couple until I need to move on. He figures he will never find someone who wants to date forever, so being a place holder with someone he loves might not be so bad.

I did talk about this with K a few nights ago and her attitude was basically, if you know there is no future there, why would you waste another minute with him as a boyfriend? Good question. She understands I want to maintain his friendship.

During that conversation I mentioned something to the effect of, "I probably need some time on my own to figure myself out anyway." She agreed with that.

Anyway, with my meltdown last Friday, my stress of having realized I will eventually need to move out, and knowing that my boyfriend will never be more than that, I have been having a hard time talking to him. Every day, I call him to say good morning. We exchange text messages throughout out the day and until recently I call him every night. I have not been doing that. For several reasons:

• I am not fully recovered from my melt down and I don't feel very chatty.
• I have been bringing a lot of work home and that is taking a good amount of time.
• The kids started school last week and K is working in the evenings so that leaves me with dinner, homework, bath time and bedtime. (I'm not complaining. It's part of the "dad" gig.)

Combine that with a talk T and I had before my vacation, I just don't feel chatty. All I want to say is, "Fuck your sister!!! If she wants to rot in the closet for ever, that's up to her. Why would you let her choices rob you of your happiness??"

Anyway, there is more, but it's late and my typing fingers are tired. For tonight he is mad we are not talking as much. I don't blame him, but I really am not sure what to do.

At least part of me thinks I am stupid for not hanging on to a man who really loves me with both hands, even if it means I will have to be by myself a lot. The rest of me thinks I would be miserable and I deserve a real partner.