Thursday, December 22, 2011

Part Of The Family or Home Alone

I spent spent most of the day yesterday at K's house.  AJ has been away on a business trip and was scheduled to return yesterday.  The kids have been out of school all week and K has had a bunch of running around to do.  Rather than sit home alone, I elected to come hang out at her house with the kids.  I think the kids like it and I know I like being there with them.

While she was out, she updated her Facebook status to reflect AJ's impending return.

K is really glad that later today her family will all be under one roof again!

I knew what she meant, but I could not help feeling badly.  For 20 years I was her family, but not anymore.  I understand why she feels like that.  Then in a moment of foolishness I engaged in some texting with her.

Me: Am I sleeping over tonight
K: Ummm..... No, I don't think so

Me:  Oh right.  I'm not family anymore.  Carry on.

Before you say it, I know.  It was a cheap shot.  As Christmas approaches, I am noticing that I am feeling more and more lonely and depressed.  I think I lashed out at K to make myself feel better, but it didn't help.  It just made me feel worse.

So what is my problem?  

I know this is irrational, but I feel like I am all alone this season.  When I am at K's house, I know I am at K's house.  I feel like a visitor there.  I like being there with my kids, but it's not the same as being HOME with my kids.  I have a boyfriend whom I am deeply in love with, but we are not together very much.  When I am at his house, I know that it is his house and I am visiting.  (Not because of anything he does.)  As much as I love being there with him, is it not the same as being HOME with my partner.  

When I am home, I am alone.  When I think about being alone...  I struggle with it.  I know I will be for a long time.

Add this to the stress and concerns about being out of work and starting school without a clear vision of how I will support myself.  While I put on a happy face as much as I can, especially around the kids, it is gnawing at me all the time.  And what's more, I know it will be years before I can fix it permanently.  


Anonymous said...

Dear Friend,
You need to start a new tradition to tide you over these lonely holidays. There are many single people out there who would love to do something over the holidays that doesn't involve family. Try and find another single (or a group of them) and invite them all to go to the movies or bowling or Christmas caroling. The single ministries at churches and other areas may have ideas that you could use - or programs that you could be a part of. Watching all the family events from the outside can be very isolating, so you have to put yourself into new situations. Make new traditions. You've made some very strong decisions this year and followed through on them, so it will take time to find a niche for you when you can't be with T or your family. Don't push her buttons, either. There is nothing to be gained by that. We've heard the phrase "blue Christmas" for a long time. Gay men are always makig new traditions and they gather their self-made families and friends around them.
I'll work on it if you will!
Merry Christmas.
Brother Bear

TwoLives said...

I can very much relate to how you feel.

I think you're under unusually high pressure right now because of the holidays and the wedding.

Also, I know when I have too much idle time, I spend a lot of it thinking about my frustrations. Although some changes in your life are permanent, the fact that you're not in school right now is temporary. Once you have that to preoccupy you, you'll be much less lonely.

In the meantime, maybe you should investigate more social opportunities. What other activities do the guys at bowling do? Are there monthly mixers for the local GLBT organization? Any meet-up groups in your area?

How soon before school starts? Will you be looking for some kind of job in January?

T said...

You need to make your house a home. Instead of hanging around K's house all the time, have the kids come to your house, at least part of the time. When K is not home, make dinner at your house and bring the kids over instead of going over there. For this Christmas, if K prepares Christmas dinner, why don't you do Christmas lunch with the kids at your home?

Anonymous said...

I agree with T


Anonymous said...

As usual, T's advice is excellent.

RB said...

I also agree with T.

You ARE a visitor at K's house. You should LIMIT how much time you spend there. You will wear out your welcome quickly.

MAKE your house an inviting place for the kids, and they will WANT to come. They WON'T want to come to an empty, spartan house. FIX that asap.

You NEED to move on and make your OWN life that includes and is welcoming to the kids. Let K do the same.

Anonymous said...

All good advice, guys, but remember he doesn't have a lot of money to 'make his house a home' and 'make it inviting for the kids to stay there'.
Look, it is tough. My story: my idiot of an ex-wife screwed it up for all of now I am alone and depressed, the kids are really upset, and she is her usual crappy, negative self.
Point is, I guess, life stinks. Just have to grin and bear it. Make the best you can of it. And spend a lot of time reading other guys' blogs so at least you know you are not alone. ...we are not alone.
Merry Christmas, let's get drunk.