skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Today was the day. This was the day I was going to meet up with my childhood friend who now knows that I am gay.
He called me at about 11:00 this morning to tell me he was about an hour away. I was just getting out of the shower when he called and I answered the phone naked and still a little wet. (Note to T: Don't say it!)
I got dressed and picked up odds and ends around the house to make it look neat and tidy.
I got a text from K that she was taking the kids out to lunch. I asked her if she, and they wanted to join us. K and Ted's wife went to high school together, though they were not in the same grade and she lived next door to K's best friend (who also turned out to be gay). If it was only Ted coming to visit, I would not have invited them, but since he was bringing his wife and kids (who are both college age) I figured it would be cool to bring my kids. After all, Ted has not seen my older kids in more than 10 years and he has not seen my little kids at all.
Ted and family showed up right on schedule. I met them at the door. Gave Ted a firm handshake, a hug for his wife and handshakes for the kids. I noticed how Ted's son looks a lot like Ted did at that age. They all came into the house and we chatted while we waited for my kids and K to show up.
When she got there, we did all the introductions and then headed for the cars for the ride to Chili's for lunch. We had a good meal and we hung out there for about an hour and a half.
I was struck by the ordinariness of the lunch. We talked about the people we both knew. Got caught up on the events in our lives. We talked like we had just seen each other last week. Like our phone conversation the other day, I searched for any hint that he might be different. For any hint that my old friend might have a problem with me being gay. I didn't find it. It was not there on the phone and it was not there in person.
After lunch we sent Ted and his family on their way home. I would have loved to hang out with them longer, but I knew they still had a six hour drive home.
As K drove me back to my house I was feeling happy. I was glad that there were a few more people in the world who know who I really am and they still like me.
As a gay man I know the struggle of hiding who I am from people I am close to. We spend a lot of time worrying about how we talk, what we say, where we are looking, even how we hold our wrists. It's fucking torture and I think it's what eventually drives men out of the closet as they get older.
We are scared that we will lose our friends. We worry that our families will dis-own us.
I am starting to wonder why I ever went through all the trouble to do that.
My family has been supportive. Well, you might say, they have to be supportive. Your parents and your sister are predisposed to love you no matter what. Maybe I say, but it still took me until I was 40 to tell anyone of them. My mother has told much of my extended family and they seems to be OK too. Now they are all far away, so I don't really know how they feel since I interact with them so rarely.
My ex-wife is OK with it...now. My kids are OK too.
On Dec 9, I wrote about the wife of a friend I went to high school with, and hos she was good after I told her I am gay. Let's back up on that story for a moment.
When I entered my freshman year in high school I met "Ted". Ted had just moved to town from Virginia. He was a football player, a big guy, but a really nice guy. I don't remember exactly how we met and became friends but we did.
Ted did not look like the guy in the picture and I was never physically attracted to him, but we quickly became close friends all through high school.
After high school we went to the same college. We did not live in the same dorm, but we were close and hung out a lot. We did a lot of drinking and we had a lot of fun that first semester. We both were placed on academic probation.
The next semester I drank less, but Ted didn't. He eventually told me that he never wanted to go to school but his parents made him. He wanted to join the Marines.
After failing out he did just that. He joined the Marine reserves and went off to Paris Island. When he came back, it looked a lot more like the guy in the picture. While I stayed in school he got a job, got a girlfriend, got married and had a child. He was activated and shipped out to the first Gulf War back.
He came back unharmed and through all this time we remained close friends. We were both very different people, but for some reason we just clicked.
Eventually I finished school, got married to K and Ted moved to a southern state to join a city police force.
Today he is a lieutenant at the same police department, this children are both in college and I have only seen him one in almost 20 years.
He does not use Facebook, but his wife does and we are friends there. She has been seeing my posts lately and she reached out to me to see if I was OK. It was then that I told her I am gay. I was not sure if she was going to tell Ted about me or not. Several days later I got my answer. She had. She told me that he was OK with and only wanted me to be happy.
So now my long time friend knows I am gay. The first of my old friends to find out I am gay. What was going to happen? I was not sure.
Then, yesterday, my phone rang unexpectedly. It was Ted. I tensed and answered the phone.
"Hey Theodore!!" (I have always called him by his full first name when greeting him)
"HEY JIMBO!!" came back the cheerful reply (I only let a very few people call me that.)
We had a short conversation and he seemed like the same old Ted. I searched his voice of signs of tension, but found none. I was very relieved. Now the best part. He is coming here!! He and his family are visiting his family for the holidays and they have to pass close to my house on their was home. He called me to ask if I could meet them for lunch as they pass through tomorrow.
I feel a lot better about this. If he was not OK, he would not have reached out to me at all.
So this comes back to my original question. With all the positive reactions to my coming out, why was I so worried about it?
Why am I still worried about it?
I have to say, I had a really good Christmas. My oldest son even posted on his Facebook page that this was the "best Christmas ever!". As far as stuff goes, all the kids did really well. K spent a lot of money. I spent as much as I could afford, which was still a fair amount.
AJ bought K a Nook Tablet. I bought her a case for it. She, along with the kids bought me one of those Keurig coffee makers. I love coffee and K took our good coffee maker. She left me with AJ's shitty one which I promptly dropped in the trash. The Keurig maker was actually something I wanted but would never have bought it myself. My older sons picked out a nice set of handcrafted mugs to go with it. I was pretty happy about it.
I stayed for Christmas dinner. It was a nice dinner. And while I did not feel completely at home, I was happy to be there with my kids (and K too).
After dinner, I got into my car and drove to T's house. I did not make it for dinner at his house, but I was able to spend some nice time with him. We had some alone time for a while before it was time for me to leave for home. You can read his version here.
The remainder of the holiday week so far has been me spending a lot of time with the kids at K's house. Playing with toys and being together. Sometimes K was there but a lot of the time she left to do something else.
Next week they go back to school and the week after that, I'm starting school. I can hardly wait.
So the other day I posted about family and how things were shaping up for me. I got a lot of good advice and T got his head swollen from some many (including my mother) agreeing with him. Of course he is right, as he constantly reminds me.
I talked to my mother today. As she was telling me how she agreed with T and the other advice I got I asked a question. What kind of a family an I trying to create?
In many divorced families, the goal of the former spouses is to create 2 separate families. The children move back and forth between the separate worlds their parents create for themselves. I suppose in most cases this works well for everyone.
But this is not the kind of family I want to create. This is not the target I am shooting for.
I don't want to create 2 separate families with my kids straddling the gap. In the long run, I don't think this is good for me, for K or for the kids.
You see, I am trying to expand my family not segregated it.
Today I spent a good chunk of the day at K's house. I played X-box with the kids. I helped make dinner. I chatted with AJ's parents who have arrived this afternoon for the holiday. After the kids went to bed, K, AJ, and I when up into their bedroom to wrap Christmas presents.
As we wrapped, K labeled all the packages since she had the best handwriting. As has been our tradition, each kids gets a single present from Santa and the remainder came from K and I. In the past, I always had a significantly larger income than K and therefore I paid for most of the presents, but as we were all one family, the presented were from "mom & dad".
What about this year? I am unemployed and I am just holding on financially. I do not have a lot of money for presents this year. K has a job and she also got a windfall when she got half of my 401K plan. Also AJ makes more money than I did when I was working, and he chipped on on many of the presents even for my kids.
In the "create a separate world" the vast majority of the presents my kids will get on Sunday would be labeled from "mom" or "mom & AJ". The couple of small things I could afford would say from "dad". I know there are some that will say, it won't matter. It's not about the "stuff". The kids will understand you are not working and doing the best you can. All of these things may be true, but it sure would have made me feel like a dip-shit.
K started labeling the gifts for my kids, from "mom, dad, & AJ".
She expanded the family.
I spent spent most of the day yesterday at K's house. AJ has been away on a business trip and was scheduled to return yesterday. The kids have been out of school all week and K has had a bunch of running around to do. Rather than sit home alone, I elected to come hang out at her house with the kids. I think the kids like it and I know I like being there with them.
While she was out, she updated her Facebook status to reflect AJ's impending return.
K is really glad that later today her family will all be under one roof again!
I knew what she meant, but I could not help feeling badly. For 20 years I was her family, but not anymore. I understand why she feels like that. Then in a moment of foolishness I engaged in some texting with her.
Me: Am I sleeping over tonight
K: Ummm..... No, I don't think so
Me: Oh right. I'm not family anymore. Carry on.
Before you say it, I know. It was a cheap shot. As Christmas approaches, I am noticing that I am feeling more and more lonely and depressed. I think I lashed out at K to make myself feel better, but it didn't help. It just made me feel worse.
So what is my problem?
I know this is irrational, but I feel like I am all alone this season. When I am at K's house, I know I am at K's house. I feel like a visitor there. I like being there with my kids, but it's not the same as being HOME with my kids. I have a boyfriend whom I am deeply in love with, but we are not together very much. When I am at his house, I know that it is his house and I am visiting. (Not because of anything he does.) As much as I love being there with him, is it not the same as being HOME with my partner.
When I am home, I am alone. When I think about being alone... I struggle with it. I know I will be for a long time.
Add this to the stress and concerns about being out of work and starting school without a clear vision of how I will support myself. While I put on a happy face as much as I can, especially around the kids, it is gnawing at me all the time. And what's more, I know it will be years before I can fix it permanently.
When Nintendo first came out with the Wii, K and I bought one. It was out first game system for the kids and part of the reason we bought it, was we liked that it makes you move a little.
For the first year we had it, despite having bought a bunch of games the one that seemed to be played the most was "Wii Sports", the game that came in the box. Later, "Wii Sports Resort" came out and that became the favorite.
With all the sub-games included in these 2 titles, the one I like the best was bowling. I really like playing that game, and I like best when I play it with someone else. Who wins and loses is not important to me, I just like playing. There is a social interaction that I like.
At first, K used to play with me a lot. Then our relationship got strained. She worked at lot at night and found myself playing alone. At first I thought it was OK. I watched my cumulative points grow, but after a while it got boring. Eventually I stopped playing.
This past weekend, I had all 4 kids staying at my house. On Saturday afternoon, my daughter and I were playing Wii. She like sword fighting and I have a good time playing with her. We played for a while, she got distracted by something else and she told me I could play myself for a while. I clicked on bowling.
It was kind of fun, but it reminded me why I don't like paying alone.
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get my thoughts together to write this. Now that I have, I am glad I waited.
Saturday, K and AJ got married. This is an actual picture from the wedding. Don't they look nice? The ceremony was very nice. Both T and I were invited and we both went. I introduced him to everyone. The people there who I knew, already knew I am gay, but this would be the first time that most of them have seen me and T together. It's one thing to hear about a guy who is coming out gay late in life. It's something else to actually see that guy with his boyfriend.
Everyone was very nice to both of us. In fact, K's mother, sister, and aunt went out of their way to talk to T and include him in the family. K's best (girl) friend since 5th grade, was very nice to him too. These are people who under normal circumstances might be hostile not only to me, but definitely to the boyfriend who stole their friends husband. But there was none of that. I was pretty happy about that.
The kids participated in the ceremony. In fact, there were 2 places where the kids were involved. Without getting into too much detail, I think the things they did were really nice. I really do. If I was an absent father, I think it would have been a really nice way to fold them into a new family. But I am not an absent father. I am very involved. It was hard to sit there and let her have her time with AJ and MY KIDS and stay on the sidelines. VERY HARD.
Everyone kept asking me if I was OK. I was starting to get tired of the question, but I know they only asked because they care about me. I told them that I was OK, when I really wasn't. I was happy for K and AJ, but I really wished they had not done so much to include the kids.
At the wedding there was one of those pictures of the happy couple with a large white border for the guest to sign and leave well wishes. As I was waiting in line for the buffet, I saw K and my youngest son next to this picture and he did not look happy. I excused myself and I went over to see what was happening. It turned out he was upset because he has signed his name using AJ's last name. I don't know what K told him, but he was upset that it might upset me he did that. He also said he wanted to change his last name.
I was a little, but I did not let him know that. I took him to the side (into a hay loft) and I talked to him for a while to get him to calm down. At this time, I just wanted to get him to re-join the party and have a little fun. I sat down on a hay bail (in my suit) and we talked. I told him no matter what I was always going to be his dad. I also convinced him that changing his name was not something that he could to that night. We would have to fill out forms and go to a judge to get is changed officially. After about 10 min, he agreed to re-join the party.
After dinner, after the first dances, after the cutting of the cake (and the eating of the cake), T and I had enough. I just wanted to leave and so did he. The week before, T had misplaced his driver's license and was waiting for the replacement to arrive in the mail. Since he could not drive, I had to go pick him up and will have to bring him home. K was not happy I was leaving, ("You are leaving me to put the kids to bed by myself on my wedding night?") but I left anyway.
T and I stopped at my house for a little "downtime" before I drove him home.
The next morning (Sunday) I went to K's house as I usually do to meet them before going to church. When I walked in my youngest some greeted me in a way that made me think he was replacing me with AJ in his mind. I mentioned it to K and she talked to him.
He told her that some kid at school told him that he could not have more than 2 parent and more than 4 grandparents. He was actually worried that my parents could not be his grandparents anymore. K explained to him that that was crap and we were adding to the family not taking anything away. I guess he accepted this, but I got a lot of passive aggressive crap from him all day.
This was totally upsetting to me. It made it worse that now every misbehavior I was interpreting as the kids trying to push me out. It was a horrible feeling. I talked to T about it and he thought my son might be fooling around with me. It asked me to consider if I could be overreacting. It was possible. My kids mean everything to me and the risk is huge. I could be possible that I could be letting my fears about what could happen get the best of me.
After a couple of days I was not feeling a whole lot better.
Yesterday (Wednesday), I offered to take the kids out to dinner with me. After dinner we stopped at a Game Stop where I was able to take notes on the things they asked for. While we were there, 3 of the 4 kids asked to sleep at my house. I told, like I always have, they can stay with me any time they want. I have no beds for them, but I bought some air mattresses so at least they are not sleeping directly on the floor
In the end the older boys decided to spend the night at K's house in their own beds, but both younger kids wanted to stay with me. I was delighted!! We stopped at K's to pick up their pillows and school clothes they needed for school in the morning.
I was pretty happy last night having kids sleeping in my house again.
This weekend I will have all 4 kids, even the older ones. I would like to think that they are coming to bond with the old man, but the reality is, they all have friends here and they want to have out with them.
At the end of the day, I think that I was over reacting. I think that I am not losing my kids. I think that it will be OK.
That said, I am still keeping a close eye on it and make sure my kids know that I am their dad and that's not going to change... Ever.
I was online today and, among other things, I was browsing around on Facebook. I got an unexpected message from a old friend from high school. Actually it was the wife of an old friend from high school, but I became close to her too. Twenty years ago they moved away to another state. I have see them once or twice in all that time. I have gotten only a couple of phone calls and other than that, we keep caught up via Facebook updates.
The are aware that K and I got divorced and they are aware that I lost my job, but they do not know I am gay. That is until today.
I told her that I am gay. I told her that's why K and I got divorced and why I am not upset that she is getting re-married tomorrow. After I typed that into the chat window, I waited a long time. I did not know what she would say. I know she is pretty religious.
"That must have been hard all those years pretending to be something that you were not. Are you happier now that you are not pretending anymore?"
I could just feel the relief washing over me.
We chatted several more minutes, but at the end, she was supportive and I was happy.
Thank God for friends who stay through the years and the miles.
They started arriving today Actually almost everyone from out of town who is coming to K's wedding arrived today. K asked me to run to the store and pick up a bottle of wine for her to cook dinner with. I got another one for me to drink. And another one, just in case I needed it.
I really don't drink very much, but I could not stop myself today.
Here is how it unfolded:
After spending a wonderful day with T, which I need to write about later, I went to K's house to get the kids off the bus. I like to be there when my daughter gets off the bus. she is only 7 and she likes to see me there too.
After a while K got back from school. I left the to go home to meet a potential roommate. When I got back AJ's parents and brother. They already know I am gay. They already know that K and still have a close relationship. They are not entirely comfortable with that relationship, even though AJ has tried hard to explain it to them. They were polite and nice.
Then AJ came home. He had come from the airport with K's aunt. I am indifferent about her aunt. Over the past few years she has been nice to me, but it has not always been that way. Also she is nice to my kids. I guess she has mellowed with age.
I opened the wine.
Then K's parents and her sister came. I really like K's sister. While K's family all know that I am gay, K's sister has been the most enthusiastic supporter from K's family. It was nice to see her. If I still lived north near them, I think she would be my fag hag and go to the bars with me. I like K's parents too, they have always been nice to me. I don't like the way they, and her sister, treat K sometimes. They cause K so much stress, it sucks the joy out of everything. The truth is that it's about 50% K's fault. K is not always very flexible when things do not go her way. But at the end of the day, I usually have to deal with the stress.
I poured my second glass of wine.
Dinner was served. It was a good dinner, but there was a lot of people and commotion
I poured my third glass of wine.
I stayed just long enough to tuck the younger kids into bed and then I headed for the door. I went home and I was starting to be happier than ever that I live alone.
I will be glad when it is all over.
Can you believe it?
This is my 500th post. When I stated writing this, I did not know if it was going be something I was going to stick with. Turns out it help me a lot through a very difficult time in my life. While the crisis I started writing about is long over, my journey is not.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tell my story. I am grateful for the people who have read it, whether you commented or not. For the handful of people who have commented on the blog or written to me directly, I am especially grateful.
I have not written is several days, because I have not hat that much going on. K is finishing preparations for her wedding on Saturday. As I get closer to the time when she will marry another man, I am feeling a strong sense of indifference. I find I just want it to be over.
Both K and AJ have family coming in. Every time K's parents come anywhere near her, she stress level goes through the roof. I would be lying if I said that it had no impact on me, it does. It is, however effecting me a lot less than in years past. I will be glad when it is all over.
She did get a little bit of support for me, even unwittingly. One of the stresses she has is money, but and she has been running short. She got a little boost when she was notified that my 401K was split and she portion was available for her to withdraw. She took it. She will use that money to pay for her wedding, probably her honeymoon and other expenses.
From another angle, I am looking forward to the wedding event itself. I think the biggest reason is having T there with me. As K moves on to her new life, I will be there with my new life by my side.
I went to see T today. I had to help him with a problem that he had. Once we got that resolved, we got in the car and headed to the store. On the way we talked until I got a call from K. By the time I was finished with that, T was finished shopping and checking out.
As we headed back to T's house he got a call. He was speaking Vietnamese so I didn't know what it was all about. As he was talking and I was driving, I reached over and took his hand. His fingers closed around my hand.
When his call was complete, he looked out the window and said nothing. I was driving and I sand nothing. We were still holding hands.
There was something in that moment of silence that really caused an explosion of love feeling inside me.
I had a really good day today.
I am visiting T this afternoon, and as we were talking he brought up the idea of getting a wedding present for K and AJ. I had not really thought about it much.
I don't usually use the blog to ask for advice, but in this case I will make an exception.
Should we get K and AJ a present?
What should we get for them? It's not like they really need anything, but what would be nice?
