Self Inflicted Wound? Maybe.

I have received numerous bits of advice telling me to abandon T over the past 9 months. I have heard it from people who have left comments here. I have heard it from K. I have heard it. I understand all the reasons why it's a good idea.

I do.

I really do.

But I am not going to do it.

If you have been following my blog from the beginning, or have looked back at all, you know about the slow motion, three year divorce I had from K. I took a long time. It was agonizing and painful. I was an emotional mess. However, in the end, it worked out for the best. It worked out better for K. It worked out better for the kids. It worked out better for me.

I have no regrets and I would not do anything differently, despite the pain.

Moreover, I know that K got lots of advice about how she should treat me. One of her best friends (someone I thought was a friend of mine too) told her to hang me out to dry. She told K to get the best redneck lawyer she could afford and string me up. K was told by another friend to kick me out of the house the minute I "decided" to be gay. I did not deserve to live in that house with her and the kids. (Of course she still thought I deserved to pay for it...)

Thank God, K did not listen to those voices whispering.... well shouting. in her ear.



I am not willing to let T go from completely from my life. I am trying to transition what we had (or what I wished for) into what reality is. T is trying to do the same thing.

Am I making this harder on myself than it needs to be? Probably, but I am thinking of the end goal. Years from now I want my partner and me to be able to go to a BBQ at T's house. Maybe he will have a new partner, maybe he won't. Maybe he will still be with his sisters, but we will be friends.

Honestly, I don't understand how anyone who has read this blog and knows how I think, would think I would kick T to the curb after all we have been through.

It's simply not going to happen.

I Can’t Take Yes For An Answer

Well, gay dating might be starting to work out for me. I am, however, having a hard time be fully happy about it.

I have had a couple of dates with the Chef and I am really liking him. And he likes me. He is about my age and he likes the “bear” look. (I really hate that term but I fit into it nicely.) He likes me and after a couple of dates, I am liking him too.

It is WAYYY too soon to think about if he is THE guy or not, but so far I can see myself dating him. I am sure that he can see dating me. Last night I took my profile down from Match.com to see how this plays out.

I need to go see the Professor. I have not seen him in 2 weeks, but we talk on the phone every so often. Even before I went out with the Chef, I knew the Professor was not for me. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. Now I feel like I have to. He is a nice guy and I would like to be his friend, but I think I will hurt his feelings. I know most guys would just blow him off, but I would rather not.

I have been talking to T about all this. By talking, I mean we have been texting back and forth a lot, talking only occasionally. I know that he is not thrilled about the idea of be dating someone else, but we both knew that it was only a matter of time. I am trying to figure out how to transition from being his boyfriend to being his friend. Yes, I know many of you think I should cut all ties with T, but I’m not going to.



On the one hand, I am happy about the possibilities that the Chef represents. On the other, I am still mourning the loss of what I had and hoped for with T. I know some will think that sounds stupid, but that’s how I feel.

T, The Professor , and The Chef

The past 2 weeks have been busy.

I met T for dinner. It was the first time I had seen him in a while. It was good to see him. I did start to have some of the old feelings rush back, but he quickly squashed them. Not in a mean way, but firm and to the point. There was no longer any chance of use being together, so I should just move on. (No, he did not say it that way, but meaning was the same.) In a way this was kind of what I needed to hear from him. I didn't like to hear it, but this was one of the first times that he told me so directly it was over from his point of view. Kind of like a mother bird pushing a baby out of the nest.

I met up with the Professor. We had dinner and went back to his place. It was nice and I like him. However, this third date made it clear to me, that I was not really interested in him the way he is interested in me. I have not told him I feel that way, but I have been opening up some distance between us. Eventually I will have to talk to him because I don't want to just blow him off.



Last week I met another guy. He wrote to me on Match.com. (I still have yet to write to anyone first.) I answered him and then I met him for coffee after work. He is the executive chef at a place that makes all their food from scratch. He is attractive. About my age. He is divorced and has a daughter. We was married a long time so he knows what a long term partner relationship is all about. He is also looking for the right guy for a long term relationship and one day he wants to get married. So at least I know his relationship goals are the same as mine. He is also something on an extrovert so it's possible he will compliment my introverted nature.

I met him again for lunch on Friday and I like him just bit more. Maybe he will be the one? Like the Professor, he seems to be interested in me. He (the Chef) has certainly peeked my interest.

Oh there is one thing...

Like T, he lives with his elderly mother...

Feelings. Real or Imagined

I enjoy getting comments on my blog. Even when I disagree with them, I appreciate that were offered in the spirit of helping me deal with a certain problem. Generally I have made it a policy not to comment on comments. I don't want this place where I come to work out things to turn into a debate forum. That said, a comment on my last posting is making me think a little.

When I chose to marry K and start a life with her, it was the early 1990's. While does not seem like too long ago, If you consider where we are as a society in respect to gay people, 1990 is light years away.

In 1993 when K and I married, it was not that I was a gay man pretending to be straight. At that time, I had convinced myself that being gay was simply a matter of sexual behavior. If I was having sex with women I was straight and if I was having it with a man I was gay. I believed (as did most people at the time) that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be staight.

In 1993, loved K very much. She was great to be around. She made me happy and I made her happy. From my perspective that was the recipe for a happy marriage. I told her about my past encounters with guys and she was OK with it.

I never told K anything about my feelings that I did not believe in my heart was true at the time I said it. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that some of those things were feeling I convinced myself I had rather than genuine feelings. (When you spend your life trying to make your feeling comport with what everyone is telling you should feel, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.

So I while I regret the pain that K had to deal with in our divorce, I do not feel any guilt or shame that I misled her into a marriage simply to hide my sexual orientation.

Fast forward to today.



I have had 2 dates with the Professor. On the second date it was clear that he wanted to get more physical with me than I was ready for. He clearly likes me. I think he is a nice guy. I can see myself being friends with him, but I am not sure about dating him (or more). Maybe those feelings would grow over time.

However, I am I starting a possible relationship with a lie. Unlike when I was getting started with K, I have already told the Professor things that I know are not quite true. He asked about the break up with T and I told him it was about 6 months ago. (TRUE) I told him that what I wanted out of a relationship and what T wanted was largely incompatible. (TRUE) I told him that I was over T and did have the "in love" feelings anymore. (NOT TRUE) I told him that while I still cared about T, I was ready to move on. (HALF-TRUE)

So what the hell am I doing? Maybe I am hoping as I get to know the Professor, my feelings for him will grow and my feelings for T will shrink. (I'm pretty sure T thinks that will happen.) Maybe it will not be important in the long run, that I am still in love with T now.

There is also the thing that I am not expecting the Professor or anyone else will work out. Since I have only seen him twice, I don't need to tell him everything. I mean, who spills all their intimate feelings on the first or second date. I don't think I am obligated to tell him my life story the first week I meet him, I am ?

I guess it will depend on where it leads. I am going to wait and see.

Taxes and The Professor

K and I don't argue about too many things, but money is one of them. She thinks I don't give her enough. She is always complains about how broke she is and AJ is always giving her crap about it too. It seems before AJ met K, he had a lot to money in the bank and plenty of disposable income. Now he does not have that and reminds K of it from time to time. She hates that.

AJ makes more money than I do and K is working too. She is about to get a job that will pay even more. K and him have a larger and more expensive house than I do. They needed to get a house that would fit them plus our kids and is daughter. (I guess that's my fault.) She also bought a larger more expensive car. She didn't like the minivan she was driving and she had AJ buy her a much larger truck. She pretended it was so everyone could fit in it, but that is not really the truth. She just liked the new car better. It's kind of he same thing with the house. She could have bought a large house for less, but she wanted a new house so hey paid extra for that. (Which is not my fault.)

You see, K is a spender. She likes to spend money whenever she has it. She has a long list of things she wants and as soon as she has the cash she will get them. Some of the things she wants a big ticket, like cruise vacations. But while saving for that she buys stupid things like candles or soaps that smell nice. When she lived with me, the closet on our bathroom had a huge box of them. She moved that box to the new house and guess what? It's in her closet there and bigger than before.

No matter how much money she has, K will always be broke. She will just adapt her spending to match her income. That is driving AJ crazy, but he's kind of stuck.

So how is that my problem? Generally it's not, but it's time to file taxes for last year. The first year we filed separately we each claimed 2 kids. Last year she complained that she spends more money on the kids and she wanted to claim all 4. I talked her into claiming 3 and I would take one.

This year we did the fight again. Since the kids live with her full time she thinks she deserves it. But I pay a ton of money too. First I give her cash every time I get paid. It is direct deposited into her bank account. Plus I am always spending money on food, doctor visits, clothes and other stuff for the kids. I am not compalining. They are my kids and that's what I am supposed to do. I just want to be able to get some of the tax deduction I am entitled to. She does not see it that way so we had a fight about it.

What a pain in the ass.

-------------------------------------------------------------



In other news, 107 people have looked at my Match.com profile and only 2 people have written to me. The criminal that I talked about in my last post and a music professor. I nearly missed the professor's email. It was almost 2 weeks old by the time I noticed it. He is a little older than me. His profile seemed nice, but he did not post a picture.

So I wrote to him and we exchanged a couple of emails.

Last night he called me and we spoke for about half an hour. (a stark contrast from the criminal who never wanted to talk for more then two or three minutes.) He seemed nice, on the shy side, but not overly so. After a very pleasant conversation, we decided to meet in person. I think he would have met me tonight, but I have other plans tonight. We will meet up later in the week. After we spoke, he did send me a picture. He looks good for his age. He's not a Men's Health cover model, but nether am I.

I am not getting my hopes up, but maybe I will make a new friend. I am glad he did not ask me about my last boyfriend. I didn't want to have to say that I am still in love with him.

Maybe I'll save that for the second date.

Not Of To A Good Start

So my latest foray onto gay dating is my worst yet.  I am not sure I can take many of these.

Over the course of several days JC emails and texts were showing that he was more and more interested in me.  I was actually allowing myself to put the warning signs to the side and think about the posiblities.

Did I mention the warning signs?  There were a few.

JC claimed to have a successful business he inherited from his father.  On his emails he included an auto signature with a link to his LinkedIn profile.  If you don't know, LinkedIn is like Facebook for business people.  So with the link there, I clicked on it.  I found a fairly typical profile.  It listed his current business, a past employers, and where he went to school.  Then I noticed the odd thing.  He had no connections.  Zero.  That was odd.  The whole point of LinkedIn is to make connections with other professionals.  Even if you don't make any effort at all, anyone who has been working with others for any length of time will have connections.  People will seek you out, even if you don't seek them.  (My linked in profile has over 500 connections and I rarely log in.)

Then I searched for him on Facebook.  I found him right away.  He has zero friends and his profile on Facebook was created only 3 weeks eariler.  No pictures.  No status updates.  No shared links.  No nothing.  

These to things together are pretty odd.  I mentioned it to T and he thought there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and I was making too much of it.  I should just keep talking to him and getting to know him.  

OK.  So I did.  

Then I it happened.  I was expecting it all along.  It was almost a relief.

He was out of state taking care of his elderly aunt when a lucrative business deal fell in his lap.  He had been telling me about it for days.  He was very excited.  It was the biggest one he had ever had, and even better it would be closed quickly because his customer was in a bind.  The day he was going to close the deal he texted me that morning telling me he was going and as soon as the deal was done, he would be heading back so we could finally meet in person.  

That was the last I heard from for the day.  I texted him several times with no reply.  Until the next morning.  I got a text.

"I am upset and in a bind.  I really don't know what what to do."

I knew what was coming.   To make a long story short, he "overestimated" his costs on the deal and was a few thousand dollars short.  He was looking everywhere for the money.  He put up his house for money.  He used all he capital in his business.  He tapped all his lines of credit.   He even borrowed from his elderly aunt, but he was still a few thousand dollars short.  

If only there was someone else who could loan him a few dollars.  

"Well, JC," I said, "Good luck.  Let me know when you get it all worked out and can come back.  I'm very excited to meet you in person.  I have to go into work now.  Talk to you later."

Guess what?  I have not heard from him since.

I guess he thought I was some lonely old fag with some money in the bank and I would do anything for the chance at love with an attractive younger man.  Well, he was wrong about one thing.  I don't have any money in the bank.

Oh well.  Back to being ignored on Match.com and wishing that T would come to his senses.

Coffee For Two?

First I want to say thanks to everyone who has made comments on my posts lately.  While I admit I have not followed much of the advice, I appreciate it nonetheless.

This morning I woke up alone (as usual) and headed downstairs to make some coffee.  I have a small, one cup coffee maker that K got me for Christmas a couple of years ago.  I made one cup and headed back upstairs to my room.  

As I waited for the coffee to brew, I wondered what it would be like to have to make two cups each morning.  Maybe I would need a larger coffee maker.  

This is not the first time I have thought about this.  In fact, I think about it a lot.  I thought about it a lot with T and I were together.  Lately it has been less.  Since I have not been spending 2 or more days a week hanging out with T, I have been at K's house with the kids a lot more.  (Yes, I know, that's probably not healthy for me either, but spending time with the kid is good.)   I really only go to my house to sleep and shower.  I leave for work early in the morning and then head to K's house after work.  I stay there until the smaller kids go to bed.  My daughter still likes it when I tuck her in.  

This morning I found myself thinking about the possibilities with this new guy.  I still have not met him and the conflicts I had a couple days ago are still there, but this morning I was thinking.  

I am hopeful and careful at the same time.  Maybe he will be the right guy for me and I won't have to have coffee by myself anymore.  On the other hand, he might be totally crazy, which is why he is interested in a older, balding guy in the first place.  

He will be back from his traveling in the middle of next week.  Maybe I will get a chance to meet him soon.  

More Conflicting Clarity

It all seemed simple enough in the beginning.  I would come out of the closet and everything would be fine.  After all its all about being who you are, right? 

The divorce for K was painful and slow.  It was awful, but I got through it.  I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us.  I knew she deserved a man who loved the woman she is.  Of course I knew I deserved T.  The man who showed me what being IN LOVE really felt like.  Even though there was conflict, I knew what had to happen.  I knew what I had to do.  Even though I drew it out longer than it needed to be, because I was scared, I always knew K and I were not going to be able to stay married.

I had thought that T was going to be the partner I had always dreamed of.  Yes, we all know the reason why that was stupid, including the fact that he kept telling me that it was not going to happen.  But I loved him so much, I stuck with him a long time hoping he would come around.  Plus there was comfort there for me.  I knew that he loved me for me.  I knew that no matter what   Now that we have been broken up more than 5 months (yeah, it has been that long) my love for him still runs very deep.

Which brings me to my new conflict.

I have met someone via Match.com.  At first I didn't think he was a real person.  I was thinking that maybe he was some kind of fake email generated by Match, so people like me would not get discouraged and ask for their money back. (as if that would do any good...).  Now I am wondering if he is too good to be true.

I have not yet met him in person, but we have spoken a few times on the phone.  We have exchanged several email and text messages.  From his messages it seems that he likes me.  I think he seems nice, but I am resistant to "like" him back.  Partly, because my feeling for T are still so strong, and so raw.

This new guy, let's call him "JC", is more than a few years younger than I am.  He has made it very clear that he wants to be in a serious partner relationship with the right man.  Oh...  That's good.  At least I know our relationship goals are compatible.  He says he has no family.  Both his parents have passed away and the only family he has mentioned is an elderly aunt who lives several states away.  While I would not wish anyone to not have a family of their own, at least I know I won't have to worry about if his mother approves of me or not.

JC has been traveling out of state this week, but I have been keeping in touch with him.  All of this seems pretty nice. So where is the Conflicting Clarity?  I don't know if JC is the right guy for me or not.  I won't know that until I meet him and get to know him more, but at least I know that his relationship goals are like mine.  It seems that his interest in me is growing.  It seems like my interest in him should be growing, but it's only making be more stressed. 

How can I think about attaching my heart to someone, when it still belongs to T?  T and I have not seen each other or weeks.  We only speak on the on the phone a couple times a week.  Even our texting is much less than it was.  

I guess I am still wishing for it to be different.

Starting The New Year

The new year is here.  It's really here, like we are 10 days into it already and I am still a little in shock that it's 2014.  

2013 was, on balance not a great year for me.  Professionally it was pretty good.  I didn't get any more money but I am a lot more secure in my position and in my company than I was.  My British overlords like me and even from 3500 miles away they are able to see the value that I am adding to the business.

Personally it has been more of a mixed bag.  I have further advanced my relationship with my children, and I am pretty happy about that.  I have not made ANY progress in making any gay friends.  And we all know about the demise of my relationship with T.  

All in all I am petty happy to see 2013 go and I am hoping for a better 2014.

One thing that is better, K is finally done with nursing school.   She is now K, RN.  This will free up will of her time which in turn will free up more of my time.  Ironically, this week I have actually spent more time with her than ever.  She has been home every night and since I have nothing else to do, I have been coming over there because this is where my kids are.

T and I are still in contact.  (Yes, I know what you are going to say...)  We talk sometimes.  Usually about the events of the day.  It's nice to talk to him, but sometimes it's still hard.  I have not completely moved on in my mind. I still wish for things.  I think he has though.  I think he accepts that things between us will never be, so he has moved on.

He is not seeing anyone, but he is encouraging me to.

This week I put a profile out on Match.com.  I wrote it, but I think I make myself sound more like a puppy.  (I say a bunch of times how loyal I am.  ;-) )

People must not like.  I have been looked over by about 40 people in the last 4 days and no one has written to me or taken any sort of interent.  Is "looked over" the right word?  Maybe "picked over" is better.  Ugh ...

To be fair, I am being kind of half hearted about the whole thing.  I am only partly interested.  I even have a hard time remember to go and look at the email to see if anyone wrote or even looked at me.  I have not taken the time to write to anyone.

T thinks I need to lose weight and that will help.  He's right about that too.  I have put on more than an couple pounds since Thanksgiving and I need to get that undercntrol.  

This weekend I have the kids all weekend.  K is working over nights, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  AJ left this morning on a business trip to Mexico so he will be no help.  I will have a lot of time on my hands this weekend.    I'll have time to look over my profile, revise it, and make it better.  I may even write to a few people and see if I get any traction that way.

Or maybe I will just take a nap.

Visiting The Happy Couple

I have not posted in a while.  There are a couple of reason.  Partly because I have been busy.  Partly because not much has changed and I didn't see the need to bore anyone further with my heart break.

T and I have not seen very much of each other in the past month.  Once.  Maybe twice.  We text a few times a day and we speak on the phone only about every third or fourth day.  It's too painful for me to talk to him sometimes.

He tries to talk to me about things like nothing is wrong.  I know that he missed me too and is putting on a brave face.  I am not as good at putting on the brave face.  I end most of the conversations upset.  Sometimes with tears.

We have talked about the posibility of going back to the way thing were.  I asked T what would happen if his mother objected?  Would he abadon me or would he stand up for us.  Would he tell his mom that we were a couple and this is what he wanted?

He then reminded me that we were going around in the same circle.

And he was right.

sigh

I guess I need to find a way to accept him as my friend and move on.

-------------------------------------------------

Last night I went to visit an old friend.  Years ago I wrote about him.  He was a guy who lived across the street from me.  He came out and had an ugly divorce from his wife.  After years of making poor and risky decisions, he now has a really good partner and a solid relationship.  He has exactly the kind of a relationship that I want for myself.  No, it is not perfect.  I can see there are flaws.  However, they deal with them together.  Exactly the way these types of relationships should work.  No one should have to deal with anything alone.

I hung out with them for several hours.  We talked a lot, mostly about normal stuff.  Kids.  Home improvement.   Very little about my relationship with T or theirs.

I did get to meet one of their moms.  She lives in the house next door.  She was very nice.  Clearly she was accepting of her son AND his partner.  There was no second thoughts.  There was no reservations.  It was just as natural as can be.

That's just what I need.

Maybe I will get lucky.

You're Not The Only One Who Cries.

At least his mom is happy.  

Hurt. Broken. Angry. Pathetic.

Last week I thought I was at the bottom.  I thought it was as bad as it could get.  I was wrong.

I have not slept in weeks.  I cannot concentrate on things.  I find I am distracted often.  When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children, I am thinking of T. 

I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family.  Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had.  They laugh together at the funny stories.  

Today he and his sisters went a family friend.  This friend has a young daughter (less than one year old) and they are meeting her for the first time.  As I was flipping though Facebook today, there was T's smiling at the baby.  I did not expect to see him.  T does not use Facebook (he avoids technology stuff) but his sister does and I am friends with her.

I am empty inside.  I was to see T.  I want him to come and hold me.  I want him to tell me, this was all just a big mistake.  I want him to tell me that he loves me, and he never wants to be apart from me ever again, no mater what his mother or anyone else says.

I want desperately to call him tonight.  I want to tell him how much I love him.  Tell him how much he means to me.  But I am afraid, I will say something stupid or hurtful.

For all the love I feel, I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before. And it's wake, a whole lot of anger.  In some ways, I feel like a wounded animal. I guess maybe I am.   I want to ask why, if he loves me as much as he says, would he put me though all this pain, just to keep his mother happy?  Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house?   It's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away.

My head knows these are not fair questions, but my heart hurts so much, I know that my judgement is clouded. 

Others I have talked to tell me this will pass.  They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives.  For them a long term relationship is measured in months.  That is not me.  For me they are measure in years.  I dedicate myself.  I focus on someone.  I plan a life around them.  In this case foolishly, because I was warned not to, but I did anyway.

As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better.  I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain, but it has not.  The blade continues to twist.

I feel like a pathetic loser.

I should be able to walk away.  I should be able to say, "Fine.  If he doesn't want to be with me, I will find someone who does."  But I can't.

I just can't.

Unfocused Anger Focused

Yeah.  I am pissed.  I have been pissed for a long time now.

I get that I am lucky.  I get that some people never find someone that really loves them.  I have.  Twice.  First there was K.  There there was T.  

K is re-married has how found her happiness.

I was convinced that T was the one for me.  I wanted him.  He wanted me, or I thought that he did.  But for whatever reason (choose any of the ones I have offered) that relationship I saw in my dreams slipped though my fingers.

I am pissed about it.  I need to be angry at someone.   

For most of the past few months my anger has alternated back and forth between T and his mother.  One is too controlling and the other lacks the courage to stand up for himself.  

T and I have talked about this many times.  Many times I nagged him.  I told him what I thought he should do.  I begged him to put our relationship before others.  I whined and cried while I tried to convince him we would be happy together.  Nothing worked.

I am pissed off about it.

But who should I be pissed at?

Oh.  Right.  That guy.  The guy in the mirror is the guy I should be pissed at.

I allowed myself to engage in wishful thinking, well after I knew it was futile.  I allowed myself to ignore T's warning repeated warnings.  I allowed myself to get to this point.  This is my fault.  It might make me feel better to blame T and his mother, but  I need to focus the anger where it belongs.  

T is adapting himself to the reality that we are over.  I am not adapting as well.  We spoke on the phone tonight.  He seemed OK.  I was barely holding myself together.  He says he is a survivor.  (I did briefly wonder why he could not be a survivor by dealing with any fallout that could come from being with me. I did not ask him about it.  It really does not matter now.)

But I think that I have hit the bottom.  I think I am at my lowest point.  I don't think the pain can get worse.  I think I have a clear understanding of the situation.  I know that all hope is really gone,  I know why, and I know who to blame.

Now I need to find a way to pull myself together and move on.   Thank God I have a job keeps me busy and Children that take a lot of my time.  If I had a lot of extra time on my hands I would go fucking crazy.

As a side note. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile today.  I was not getting any traction on it anyway.  I need to take a break for a while and get my head on straight.  

Right Where He Wants To Be

After my last post, I have been thinking more.  T and I have gotten together once and we have talked on the phone at least twice.  We had a conversation the other day about a bird that changed my whole outlook.

It was a parrot, actually.

T is planning on opening another clinic location and he has been scouring Craigslist for people selling artwork cheaply so he can decorate the walls.  During one of these sessions he noticed someone selling a parrot, with a cage for a very cheap price.  He offered to buy it for me.  I thought that was sweet and I would love to have a parrot.  However, parrots need attention and since I am rarely home, I declined his offer.  It's the same reason I cannot have a dog.  I just am not home enough to take proper care of an animal.

The next day, he called me to chat.  During the conversation I learned he was on his was to get the parrot. He was getting it for his mother.

What?  

"It will make her happy." he replied.

I was speechless.  For her to treat him the way she does and then for him to reward her with gifts, was just stunning to me.  If my mother was overbearing and controlling,  I can see where I might go-with-the-flow, but I would sure as hell not be buying her random gifts.  Especially a gift that would be sure to outlive her.

I was angry.  I had to end that conversation line and move on to something else.  I was trying so hard to get him to see....

And then it hit me.  Maybe his mother was not abusive at all.  Maybe she was not really a manipulator at all.  

What if this is really where T wanted to be all along?  T told me on day one, he would never be able to live with me, or anyone else.  So, it's not like I was not warned.  But I think I had the reason all twisted around.

What if it has nothing to do with his lesbian sister who is too scared to some out?

What if it has nothing to do with his mother and her controlling ways?

What if it has nothing to do with the way Vietnamese people tend to gossip?

What if it has nothing to do at all with keeping peace and harmony in the family?

Maybe it's as simple as T is just happy there.  Maybe T has lived with his family for so long he is happy there and does not want to leave.  He does not really want to live with me at all.  

Yes, I know he loves me.  I know he likes to have me come over to snuggle on the couch sometimes.  He likes to have dinner out with me and sometimes we even see a movie.  But he is happiest and most comfortable with his family.

Maybe our life goals are not compatible, not because he is trapped in prison.  But because he is happy there in his paradise.

I was never the center of this world.  Never even got close.

Maybe I completely mis-read the situation. I assumed that, like me, he want to leave the relationship he had been forced into while he was in the closet.  I assumed he would want to come out, meet a man he liked, fall in love, and someday get married.  I assumed he wanted that, because that is what I wanted so, of course, everyone else wanted that too, right?

I think I was sooo wrong.  

I am going to stop talking about T's mother.  I am going to stop taking about how our relationship could come back or be more if only she would ________.  I am going to to stop encouraging him to push back on her.  Because the truth is, he probably likes his life right where he is.  He is comfortable there,  He is happy there.

T is happy there, so I guess that is good enough for me.  It has to be, right?

I mean, what choice do I have?

None.

Why I Don't Walk Away

There are are a couple of reasons I do not simply walk away from T and end the pain.  Not the least of which is, I am not convinced walking away would, in fact, end the pain.  

T will not like much of what I am going to write today.  These things are on my mind, however, and I need to get them out.

Sunne has figured me out.  In directing comments toward T she said, "He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes."  

That really sums it up.  I honestly don't know why I still hope.  He has told me it is not going to happen.  But I think that because he has expressed frustration with his situation, there the tiniest morsel of hope.  

I feel like there is something there that if I can just nudge the right spot, he will see that he can change is situation.  If he can see that I am the one who loves him and supports him for who he is.  His mother is selfish.  She does not accept him.  She does not want him to be happy.  Well, she wants him to be happy living his life as she want him to, but not as he wants for himself.,

She manipulates him and his siblings with enough guilt so they stay in line.  If one of them steps off the path she will complain about it to the others.  The offending sibling gets the silent treatment.  She tortures all of them if she does not get her way.  T has it in his mind that somehow HE is responsible for the moods of this 70+ year old woman.  He is not.  She knows exactly what she is doing.  T and his sisters are playing right into her hands. 

She gets what she wants and they live lonely miserable lives.  As a parent myself, I can see her for what she is.  I would never, NEVER do what she is doing to my children.  

That said, why don't I just walk away?

In the past I have made the analogy that T is like a drug addict who has not yet hit rock bottom. He is in an unhealthy situation and, he has been in it for so long, it has become comfortable for him.  He knows it is not right but he feels trapped.

I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks.  If he was a addict, I think I would find it a lot easier to walk away.  I would leave him to his addiction knowing that he needed to hit rock bottom before he could get better and take his life back.  If he were doing it to himself, I would let him work it out for himself. 

I was writing this, I changed my mind.  He is not like an addict at all. He is a victim and that is why I am having such a hard time leaving him.  Sub-consciously I think I always knew.   Despite his age, and his mother age, she is abusive.  I don't know if she has been abusive to him his whole life, but certainly she has in the time I have known him.  I'll bet at least in the time since he came out of the closet.

Like I said, T will not like this, and I expect he will write a comment in response, which he is welcome to do.  But the more I think about it, the more I think I am right.

I will not be talking about this again.   I think it is too personal and private.  I will not be talking about any more specific behaviors or situations beyond what I have already mentioned.   The only reason I am taking about it is to answer the question:  

Why don't I just walk away?

Yes I love him, but you do not walk away from some one who is being victimized.  (Even if they will claim that they are not.)  Especially if that someone is someone you are deeply in love with.

Will be able to save him?  I don't know.  Probably not.  At the moment, he knows he needs saving, but is resisting all my efforts.  

I guess when he comes around, I want to be there for him.  I want him to see that I was there.  I was loyal to him, like he was loyal to me though my divorce.  I want him to see that I am the one who loves the man on the inside.  I don't care what the people at church gossip about.  I only care that my man is happy and feels the love I have for him.  ALL OF HIM.  Not just the parts of him that fit what I want him to be.  Or the parts that make me look good to the rest of the "community".

I want him to be himself.

I love him the way he truly is.  Which is not to be confused with the way his mother is forcing him to be with her manipulation.

The Best Part About Hitting Yourself With A Hammer

My dad used to ask me, "What's the best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?"

"What dad?" I would ask, even though I knew the answer very well.  

"It feels so good when you stop."

This was his sage advice for me when I was doing something that was ultimately causing me grief.  Usually the root cause boiled down to some sort of procrastination on my part. 

It was a stupid thing for him to say, but I knew what he meant.   It was true then.  It is true now.   If you are doing something that is causing you pain or stress and you stop doing it, the pain will probably stop.

I am sure it can be applied to my current situation.   

My brain gets it.  While T and I are perfect together, we are incompatible in our life goals.  The problem is, only my brain gives a shit about life goals.  My brain knows the score.  My brain has known for a long time this will just not work out in the long run.  Not as long as T's mother has the out-sized influence she does on his life to where she is a 3rd party in our relationship.

My heart does not know about his mother.  My heart only knows how happy I am when T and I are together.  It only knows how it sings when I am being held in his arms.  It only knows how it beats faster every time I see him smile, or when get a text message from him in the middle of the day.  It just makes me happy beyond reason.  All my heart can think about is the next time we will be together. 

Well, that is not all my heart can think about.  It also thinks about the emptiness it feels when T is not around.  When I go for 2 weeks without seeing him it aches for his touch.  It longs for that connection that can only be filled by his physical presence.

So knowing that T is not going to be changing his relationship with his mother anytime soon, and therefore knowing that our relationship is not going to work long term, am I just hitting myself in the head with a hammer every time I talk to him?

Will I feel better if I stop?

K thinks so.

Sunne thinks so.

Other readers think so.

I'm just not ready.  I am not ready to let go.  My heart is so desperately in love with him.  I simply cannot imagine not having him to talk to.  To be sure, the conflict between my heart and my brain is causing me pain, but I just am powerless to do anything about it.

So for the moment, my heart will continue hitting my brain with the hammer.  It might feel better when I stop, but I fear the pain of the loss will be much worse than what I have now.

------------------------------------------

I think my dad's proverb would apply to T as well.

I have seen T be strong, direct, and pointed in difficult situations in his business life.  I have been him be this way in other areas of his personal life when he felt disrespected.  But he turns into a wilting flower where his parents or other family members are concerned.   This is a situation where he has 100% control.  He has chosen this path and he could choose to correct it.  He says he cannot change it, but that's simply not true.  He has chosen to maintain the current situation. He could choose to change it.  I realize it would be a difficult choice, but it would be a choice.  

Yes, there would be some stress, as the others involved adjusted to his new assertiveness, (rather than him just rolling over at the slightest growl), but in the long run, the pain would stop. The place where the hammer kept hitting would heal and it would feel so good.

I would be there to kiss it and make it all better too.  :-)

Should Have Stayed in Bed

Last night I had a date with a guy I met online.  No, not the guy in the picture. That's me.  :-)

Anyway, it was a big ol' waste of time.  He was nice enough, but not a match for me.    I'm not going to spend any time writing about.  Suffice it to say,  I will not need to assign him a letter (like "T" or "K") to talk about him in the blog.

Thanks for the comments to yesterday's posts.  It's nice to know there are at least 2 people who still are reading.   I have some thoughts about what Sunne said.  I am going to think about that some today write about it next.

Almost... But Now.... It's Done...

Part of the reason that K and I had a slow motion divorce is that I don't like to burn bridges.  Relationships with people are important to me and I look for ways to preserve those relationships as much as I can.  I look for opportunities for compromises that can make things better.  I want things to be better.

Over the couple of months since T and I broke up (as been 2 months already?) we have been talking a lot.  We have seen each other a few times.  I am not "over"  him at all.  I love him just as much now as I ever have.  During this time we talk often about things including how our relationship went wrong.    These talks (re-hashings) often end up with me beating him up about how keeping is mother happy is more important to him than keeping me happy. In the end we are both upset.

One conversation last week we were both feeling lonely and we both agreed that sometimes we both wish things could go back to the way they were.  But we also both knew that it would only be a matter of time before we were right back here.  

He made me an offer to spend more time with me. 

I asked about push back from his mother.

He said he could handle it.

I was surprised to find myself thinking about it.  Let's talk about it in person, I told him.  

Last week we got together for dinner and a movie. We had not discussed that conversation in the intervening time, but I had been thinking.  His offer was not perfect.  I was not everything I wanted, but it was the best he could do.  I decided it was worth talking about.  I knew my feelings for him were not fading.   

Maybe it could work.  Maybe... Maybe this was the opportunity to restore the relationship that I was looking for. 

I am not going to get into the specifics to what happened that night.  I am not going to invade his privacy that way.  All I will say is my hopefulness turned into heartbreak.  By the end of the night, it was clear that his fear was stronger than I have ever seen it in the entire time I have known him.  It was clear that what is important to him and what is important to me is incompatible.  

It was clear that a reunion was not going to happen.  It was clear it was over.  As I drove away I knew the last hope of T and I spending our lives together evaporated.

Sorry Rob.  You missed the call this time.

I think we will be able to be friends.  I think in the back of our minds we always thought that we would come back to each other, we never really thought about moving on.  Now we have to. Well, now I have to.   I guess I have to let him do his moving on, on his own now.  (My chest got tight when I typed that...)

----------------------------------------------------------

In other news,  I have a "date" tonight.

Both T and I have been trolling around some of the online sites where men meet.  I have been using AdamAdam (which is a meat market but it's free).  T has been using that and ManHunt. He tells me they have the same people on both sites, so I figured I would just stay with the free one.

I poke around but I don't write to many people.  I don't have to many people write to me either.  Most of the people on that site are looking for hook ups and my profile says I am not really looking for that, so they don't write to me.  

But one guy did a couple of weeks ago.  He would write something,  I would respond and then he would go quiet for a week.  The I'd hear from him again.  

This week I actually spoke to him on the phone and we agreed to meet tonight.

T keeps asking me if I am "excited" to meet him.  I am not.  I want to meet him.  I am hopeful I am going to make a new friend, but I am not thinking beyond that.  It's also possible I may not like him or he may not like me.  So I am also preparing myself for rejection.

sigh.

T and Jim Back Together

Rob over at "Below The Radar" called it.  "We've seen this movie before." he said.  "Anyone want to to take bets on when they will get back together?"

So it it has been about a month.  I suspect that most of you were thinking that this current break up had gone on long enough.  I mean really, with as much as T and I love each other, and we do, how long could we stay apart?

How long could we go through the motions of reviving our ManHunt profiles and browsing through the pictures of strange men that will make all of our dreams come true.

Why would we need to do that, when we have all the love we need for each other right here, staring each other in the face.    T will work on standing up for himself to his family and putting me first more.   I will try to be more patient.  He will push the envelope more and I will remember that his family harmony is important to him.  We are so happy and comfortable when we are together, it's just inconceivable that we cannot find a way to make it together as a couple.

But we can't.

None of that stuff happened.

T told his mom, we broke up after more than 5 years together.  She shrugged and never said another word about it.  No one in the family he was so worried about upsetting, seems to notice or care that his relationship has been dissolved.   T and I continue to talk often.  He has made no mention he would be willing or able to change anything about this family situation to save our relationship.  I remain unwilling to stand at the end of the line for his attention with almost no hope of us ever being truly together as partners.

T revived his old profiles on Adam4Adam and ManHunt, using the same picture that caught my eye more than 5 years ago.  He is getting a lot of people writing to him.  He answers some.  He almost met someone for lunch last week, but changed his mind and had lunch with his family instead.  He says he really does not want to meet anyone now.  I'm sure that part of that is because of his feeling for me.  The rest is a fear that he will be come attached to someone else and fall into the same trap with that person he fell into with me.

I have been resistant to post any profiles anywhere.  I just didn't want to.  My mind knows I should move on, but my heart is so in love still.  K thinks I should do something to meet new people.  T pushed me to put a profile out there.  He things if I meet someone nice I will be happier.  If I find someone to live with me.  (yeah, I know.  He still does not really get it...)  

Eventually I did it.  I made up a fake profile on Adam4Adam last week just to look around.  That site is such a meat market.  It's not a whole lot better than Craigslist for the most part.  But it's free.  And T has be convinced that generally the same people are posted in both places anyway, so why not start there.   I did not post a picture, but I use my honest stats.  Some people wrote to me.  A couple of hot young guys who turned out to be prostitutes.  An older (by "older" I mean my age) gay guy who was cheating on his partner and wanted something on the side.  And two "Bi Curious" guys cheating on their wives.   NO NO NO.   UGH!!!

A couple of married guys wrote to T.  Since he is not looking for a partner, I thought that might work for him.  But I don't want to be the guy on the side.

Yesterday, I took a bunch of pictures of myself, posted a real profile, and deleted the old one.  We'll see what happens.  T helped me pick a good picture and suggested good wording for my description.  It was surreal really.  (...and too depressing for words...)

I did get one person who wrote to me from the the old fake profile who I told I was moving to a new one.  He is about my age and based on the limited email conversations, he seems nice enough.  I may be meeting him tomorrow after work for a drink.  Possibly dinner.  T seems to thinks I am going to have have sex with him.  T may just be teasing me, but I'm not sure.

The last time we broke up and I went on a date (I wrote about it here) I remember it didn't go that well.  It was not horrible, but not great.  The likelihood I will jump into the sack with anyone is pretty low.   That is even making the assumption that I even like this guy when I meet him in person.  He could turn out to be a jerk.  Or maybe he is a nice guy that I am just not interested in.  Or maybe I will like him, but not be interested in dating him.  Either way, I am not going to fall for the first guy who is nice to me or is physically attractive.  

The bottom line is T and I are NOT back together.  Every day that passes it become more clear that we are not going to be.  Not ever.

Every day my heart breaks a little more.  I don't see any end.