Thursday, September 13, 2012

I Felt Like I Was Cheating

Last night I had a date.

I met this guy,  let's call him, well... actually never mind, it does not matter what we call him.  This guy was on Craigslist and his ad said he was looking for more than hook up. He said he wanted to really get to know someone and try to make a connection.  It sounded interesting so I wrote to him.  I got a reply the next morning and a few emails later I was taking a total stranger to dinner.

I met him at his condo in the city.  He lives in a 7 story building in a nicer area with a gated parking garage.  He gave me the code to the building and I took the elevator to his apartment. I knocked on the door and was greeted by a large black man with a nice smile.  His face showed his age, (he is about my age), but he was not unattractive While he was friendly enough,  I got the impression I just woken him from a nap. He offered me a drink, which I politely declined.  I asked him to pick a place for dinner and he picked a burger bar across town.  He offered to drive and since I didn't know where to go anyway, I agreed.

He has one of those 2-seater Mercedes with roof that folds into the trunk.  I'm sure that impresses some guys.  The night air was cool and dry so driving with the top down was kind of nice.  We made some meaningless small talk as he drove.  

Once we finally got to the restaurant, I asked that we be seated outside in their patio.  Apparently, that patio (the restaurant had 3 of them) was reserved for the gay people.  At the next table there were 2 guys and it took me about 0.3 seconds to determine this was a gay couple.  I smiled and looked over at T as I sat down.  Of course, it was not T sitting across the table, it was this other guy.  My smile faded.

As we sat there, I found myself enjoying the conversation.  We got beyond small talk and it became more meaningful. Dinner was good and when the bill came, I paid and we left.  When got back to his building, he invited me inside.  I almost didn't go, but he said there was a patio on the roof with a great view of the city skyline.  So I agreed.  This time I accepted the drink he offered.  A lemon martini. It was very strong, but not too bad.  

The view from the roof was breathtaking. Well, not Grand Canyon breathtaking, but it was really nice.  We talked some more.  We talked about his family and mine.  He told me about some of his old boyfriends and I listened. I told him I had just ended a long term relationship. I declined to offer additional details.  I didn't want to get into it with him.  He didn't ask, preferring talk about himself anyway.

He finished his drink, mine was half gone and he asked if I wanted to go back inside.  I agreed and we went in.  It was past 11:00 at this point and he asked what I wanted to do next.  I knew what he meant and I had had my fill.  He was nice and all, but I was not going to get naked with him.  I know that goes against some homo code, but I didn't care.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to get naked but not with him.

We gave each other hugs and said how much fun we had.  We agreed to do it again, without planning a date.  

With that, I left and headed for my car. For most of the way home, I could not hold back my tears.

So goes my first swim in the gay dating pool.


Anonymous said...

Give it some time. You are still fresh from the break up. I wish you and T could have figured something out since you both seem to love each other a lot but I understand having to move on. Sending hugs to you.

Buddy Bear said...

I'm so sorry to hear about you and T. Your emotions must be so raw right now, dating must be incredibly difficult.

Whatever said...


Bi_Gentleman said...


You know as well as I that T is reading these posts as well. You two need to sit down and talk... deeper. Let me say this. Jim you are desireable and there is without a doubt others that will date you and love you. When you believe it you will find it.

I understand that T has some cultural and familial reasons that causes him to compartmentalize you as he does. This is a common struggle for many gay/bi men... a way of having what we want but emotionally separating it in our minds so that the struggle is not in front of us all the time.

The angst and pyning that you feel is actually a result of this compartmentalizing. You truly feel his love for you but you also glaringly feel his profound disconnection from you when you are not with him. It is normal to struggle with this.

GUYS (Jim and T) please let me say this straight up. It is SO DAMN HARD to find a decent guy. Get off your asses and make this work. DO I sound like your father? Good!

T you pick up the phone right now and talk to Jim. You have spent a lifetime learning to emotionally compartmentalize (A defense mechanism, not a healthy response) and in the least you need to figure out how to priortize a partner as a main compartment and the others as secondary compartments. A therapist CAN help you do this.

Jim realize that you will always in some measure be a compartment if you remain with T. Realizing actually helps as you start to understand that it is not negelect when he keeps you out of the other parts of his life but rather is a way that he has mentally learned is the only way to deal with his life.

Either way this is NOT dead. Get off your asses and go talk to each other! NOW!

BadgerBear said...

Dear Bi_gentleman,

Bad advice about Jim and T. Working harder and talking about it won't fix it.

Jim, after having been with a guy for years who always chose family over me, I can tell you that T will not change. Accept him as he is NOW with no expectations of this to be different EVER in the future, or walk away. After having been with a guy for 17 years and expecting my love to change him in some way, I can tell you that it didn't change him one iota.

Find the man you CAN be with NOW, who you can love exactly as he is, and who can love you exactly as YOU are. Nothing else is workable. T will always choose family over you. It's not a choice, it's an orientation.

Bi_Gentleman said...

Badger Bear:

I am actually agreeing with you. To the point is encouragement to face what really is.

No this is not an orientation. There is always hope that individuals can see what really is and respond to it. You are correct, we can never change another... but we can help other's see what they are losing by the choices that they do make. I truly encourage these individuals (especially T)to examine the choices they are making.

Victor said...

I think this sounds like a decent date all things considered. Obviously not excellent, but it still sounds like a nice time.

I'm so happy to read that you've done this, and you're taking these steps. Good for you. You've done the right thing, and you know it.

We've had more than a few very intense, long, deep, late-night chats and I know how hard it's been for you. You are an awesome person, you've done a lot of sacrificing, accepting, hard work, and self reflection. You're a good man, Jim, and you really deserve to be happy.

Sunne said...


Maybe it's a bit too early. Do you have other gay friends..could you go out in a group first, so the "date" scenario isn't as pressing?

Don't go searching to be the half of a couple, search for yourself to be happy alone, than it's easier to date.