Sunday, September 9, 2012

All You Need Is Love?

You all know what I want more than anything.  I loved being married and I want kind of a partnership again.  I want to be with my partner all the time.  I want to come home to him every night.  I want to have to separate our socks on laundry day.  I want to make dinner for him and for him to make dinner for me.  I want to have to check with him before I accept an invitation to a party or make a large purchase. I want to get in bed at the end of the day each night and talk about our day as we drift off to sleep.  I want to make up in the night and see him laying next to me. I want to go grocery shopping with him. I want him to be so connected to me that when either of us goes somewhere alone, people ask where the other is. I want to wake up every morning next to him.  I want him to be involved with my family and I want to be involved with his.  I want him to be my husband.

I want to share all of my life with my partner.

You know I love T.  I love him with all my heart.  I am deeply IN love with him.  My love for him is unconditional and permanent.  I know his love for me is the same.  I am a lucky man to have a man love me the way he does.  I've lost some hair since I've know him.  I put on some weight (and lost some) in the time I have known him and he loves me just the same.

I don't want just any man to be my partner.  I want T and no other.  I want the man I love above all others.

You know that T and I do not live together.  T lives with his elderly parents and two younger sisters and that is not likely to change. His parents are old fashioned and while they accept him as gay, and they (sort of) accept me as his boyfriend (even thought they don't talk about it).  His sisters have their own issues and he cannot bear to see then left alone. He does not like to see my alone either, but not quite as much.

So where does that leave me? I spend a good deal of time with my kids at K's house, but when that is over I head home back to my house... Alone.  I eat a snack alone.  I fold my laundry, without having to separate  socks.  I put on MSNBC because I want to.  I don't have to admit it's okay because I am there alone. 

The is not alone. He has dinner with his family.  The talk about the day they had.  They talk about the garden or the problem with the landscaper.   They tell jokes to each other and laugh together at the funny ones.  The work together to clear the table. After dinner the spread out and each do their own thing, but they are still all together.

I know this family togetherness does not replace the his desire to be with the man he loves.  I know in his heart, T wants the same thing I want.  The problem is, if he is together with me, it would upset his whole family apple cart. He's just not willing to do that.  Being with me would simply turn his whole world upside down.  It would impact his whole family.  He is not willing to do that for me.

Maybe it is not fair for me to ask that.  It probably isn't.  Especially when you consider that in his very first email communication, the VERY first one, he told me he could not ever live with anyone.   Over the years he has been consistent and clear. Every time I whined about it, he told me that he could not promise to be with me.  He told me over and over again.  Get each time I allowed myself to believe, that my love would change him.  I dreamed that his love for me would overcome the fear he had of upsetting his family.

But lately, as I have been spending more and more time alone, I am starting to see that, he is not going to change.  He is not going to be with me.  As much as we love each other, in order for us to stay a couple, I will have to get used to being alone.  I am not sure that I can do that.  The more lonely I get, the more frustrated I feel.  I could do it for a while. I could do it if I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. But I have no idea how long the tunnel is

T is very perceptive.  He has noticed my frustration.

On Thursday, After texting back and forth for a while, I decided that I needed to see him. I drove down to his house.  It was late, with me arriving about 10:00.  We both knew what was going to happen.  Neither of were happy about it.  He met me at the door with a huge and a kiss.  We went up to his room and and sat on his bed.  We held each other. We cried.  We sobbed.  We blew noses and wiped our eyes.

"Is this then end of us?" he asked me.

We both knew the answer.  I was offering him a life with me and he was unable to accept it. We promised each other we would remain part of each others lives.

I will never stop loving him, but I just cannot stand to be alone most of the time forever. 

So, What's next?  I really don't know.  I read how some of my fellow bloggers have trouble in the gay dating world and I am not eager to deal with that.  I am older, fatter, and balder that I think most guys would be attracted to.  Hell, I'm not attracted to guys who look like me.

I really don't know what to do next.  I am scared.  I'm still lonely.


Whatever said...

I'm sorry to hear about you and T :( But I understand why things couldn't continue as they have been. Maybe some day, if circumstances change, you'll find your way back into each other's lives that way again.

Until then, "open yourself to new opportunities and put yourself out there", as my friends tell me :) I'm not big on the dating scene, so I can't give much advice, but it makes sense to not let your fears hold you back.

The only constant in life is change; you won't always be lonely.

TwoLives said...

I am very, very sorry to hear this news.

You and T have your friendship and your love for each other.

In the days ahead you'll both remember this. That won't make the pain go away but it should serve as a reminder to both of you about how much you have gained, and will continue to gain, by sharing your lives with each other.

Uncutplus said...

Would it be possible for you to go live with him and his family, since he can't come to you? An extra bedroom there? Would it be possible to sell your house, and build an "in-law" type apartment on his property? Or even buy a house next door or close-by in his neighborhood. Surely there is some way to get closer to T and end your physical separation.

Anonymous said...

It took me forever to type this reply because I'm so frustrated with T. Doesn't he understand that you can't live your life through your family? What happens when his family is gone and he is alone? Does he want that? Does his family want that? Yes they are important and yes you need to respect them but when do you get to live your own life? I think you need to sit down and talk about your options. (see uncutplus's reply) If T is unwilling to try to work something out then you are probably better off without him. Sorry if this seems harsh. I feel like I've given up a lot for my family so it frustrates me when I feel someone is throwing away their happiness.

Paul said...

I really think you are faced with a difficult circumstance. But I agree that you are making the right choice. You can no longer keep waiting, especially given your changed family circumstances. You need a man you can live with and T can't be that man, through no fault of his own.

Don't rush into the world of dating, but ease into it. And don't sweat the details - maybe you will be lucky like me and find your life partner when you least expect it. In the meantime, you still have your friendship with T.


Sunne said...

I’m sorry to hear about your seperation from T.
Give yourself some time to adjust to your new situation.

And…even if you both agreed to stay friends – stay away from him for a while. It just doesn’t work any other way. As long as one of the ex-partners is still emotionally involved it hurts. Most of the time a clean break is the best and since you two don’t have to go through all the steps a divorce would require…make the clean break. That doesn’t mean that you’ll never be friends, that just means that you should contact each other when you are over the whole thing.
I assume in T’s favor that his reluctance to move in with you is based on a different culture or/and upbringing. But I wholeheartedly agree with Anonymus 9.16 that T shouldn’t live his life through his family. He should make a life of his own. His parents will die someday – that’s the circle of life. His sisters must be grown up, too, maybe they’ll marry and move away. If they have problems they need to learn to live with them on their own or get professional help (exception if they were in need of care – but with T’s working hours he can’t be a “caretaker” anyway). T should help his family to be independent of him anyway – with or without you in the picture. With his workload it’s only a matter of time when he has a burn out or something else.
I’m not saying that he can’t love or care for his family but honestly…..a person has to love himself, too, and take care of himself. A good caretaker is the one that is happy. As a doctor he should know that.
I wonder why he thinks his family wouldn’t accept it if he really moved in with you. If they love him why wouldn’t they? If they love him – wouldn’t they wish him to be happy? If they don’t – wouldn’t that be answer enough? Has he ever asked them? If he’d been straight, wouldn’t he be married and moved out with his wife, too? Have you two discussed moving in together in his neighborhood for example? Or living a week with you and a week you both living with his family alternating? Maybe that would bring you closer to them.
For me it looks like T lives his life through taking care of others – as a doctor, as an obedient son and caring brother. Some people are that way, they define themselves through what they can give others. They do not love themselves but what they can give and do. I really think T has nothing more to give…the leech that his life is has already taken enough. I’m sorry for him because he will be alone one day. And I’m angry because he throws away something really good with you. And I’m realizing that I’m mostly writing this in the hope he’ll read it.
But – if he can throw away the connection you two had…well, that’s some kind of answer for you, too, as harsh and sad as it sounds…and very female…but he didn’t love you enough to put you on top of his priorities, you came after parents, work and sisters…and that must hurt in a major way. I’m so sorry, you sound like a really nice and lovable person. My advice for you is: Try to be happy with yourself, on your own. Spend time on yourself, do what makes you feel good, search for activities that makes you feel good…even things like a walk in the woods. Be content with yourself first, love yourself first. Find the positive aspects in living on your own. It makes you a stronger partner when you find a new love. Good luck.

T said...


I read your comment. For you to use the words "leech" and "female" is very disrespectful and ignorant. How old are you? What grade have you finished? You have no clue of who I am or about my life. When you don't know, you can always ask first. Shouldn't you wonder why such a lovable person like Jim loves me so much despite all the hurdles. Regardless,if you are you, live and learn. If you are old, I will stop wondering why the world still has so much problem.

T said...

Clarification. Sunne, you used "female" to describe yourself. That's up to you. However, using "leech" is crossing the line when you don't about me or my life.

Sunne said...

T - I’m very sorry that you have understood my comment in such a negative way.

Just to make it clear:

I don’t think you are a leech and I really think you must be a very lovable person because I’ve read yours and Jim’s blog for a while now and never found anything else. I’ve read about a relationship that to me seemed to be very deep between two very caring and decent people.

I wanted to say with the “leech” that your life is taking its toll on you, for me it looks like that you give and give and do not take something for you (please, of course I can only assume). That certainly makes you probably a too nice person, not anything else. It was in no way meant to be an insult. You are absolutely right, I know nothing more about your situation than what I have read in the blogs. And, yes, sure I have made my conclusions based on that – that’s natural if you and Jim blog. If I’m so totally wrong, I’m sorry.

What I wondered was….why can two people like Jim and you not make it work? You really seem to love each other very much. Why can’t you find a way? That has been the reasons for my questions about the acceptance of your family, the moving together, the idea of more overnights at each others places, etc. Maybe Jim could be more part of your family? Sometimes looking on something from the outsides helps – if only to trigger new ideas. Have you read all the questions I’ve asked? And have you given yourself the answers? Are you sure of the answers?

This does not mean I think anyone is wrong here. That just means that I hope that you two still find a way.

And if you say: “No, can’t do it”, then it means that I hope that Jim finds a way to cope with it. I really like what I’ve read of him. And…he has to cope with it alone.

About me…just because you mentioned it. I’m close to 50, I have had my shares of happiness and pain in my life. I was able to cope with all that because over 25 years ago I made my husband the most important person in my life and he did the same. If living such a commitment makes me a firm believer that your partner should come first, well, my life proved me nothing else.

Just in case you are not clear of any meanings in my sentences – don’t assume I wish or think bad of you, I don’t do it. It’s probably the fact that English is not my native language.

BadgerBear said...

Dear Conflicting,

the lesson that we change no one with our love, no matter how fierce that love is, is one that most of us have to learn at some point. I spent 17 years in my first partnership learning it; be glad that you have not spent two decades trying to be with someone who will be forever unavailable to you -- he said it himself in his first email after all, and very clearly! Sometimes we ignore even the most obvious of signs.

Don Miguell Ruiz in his beautiful book "The Mastery of Love" invites us to let go of those who can't love us in the way we need to be loved - walk away and let them be free, too. This frees both of you to find the one who can love you in the exact way that makes you each happy.

If you want a dog, don't get a cat to keep you company.

Difficult and sad in the short run, but beautiful in the long. Freeing myself of my first partner of 17 years (and he freeing himself of his first of 26 years), my husband and I are now together -- we've never had an argument, and rarely even difficult words. Life is better with him than without him.

I know that there is someone just like this out there for you. Let go so that you can find each other!

T said...

I apologize. I read your comment at around 3-4 am and when I was not in the best state of mind. To let people try to understand why I do what I do requires a very long story. I just know that Jim deserves to have a true partner, and I don't have the heart keep him from getting what he wants. Again, I'm sorry.

Sunne said...

Yeah, me, too. It's okay, both you and Jim are probably not in a happy place at the moment.

Jim - I'm sorry - I take back the comment about "not loving enough", maybe T loves you enough to "set you free"...which honestly makes me even more sad but well....I wish and hope for you that you'll find someone.

T - please, ask yourself what do you deserve? Where do you want to be in a few years?

Okay - I better back off now. I can't fix your lives anyway - as much as I want.

I just hope you both find what you need and want. Good luck.

fan of casey said...

Jim: I'm a long time reader but I rarely comment on your blog.

You obviously have to do what is best for you and if you cannot stay with T in a compromised way, then you shouldn't -- you will always feel like you are missing a part of him by being separate, and you will always hold that resentment against him.

I see this less as a situation of T cannot commit to you -- he has given the circumstances -- and more a conflict over cultures. Asians generally have stronger extended family ties than American culture, which values independence and individualism more. I would know because I am asian myself.

What T is trying to do is balance his family responsibilities which do not disappear just because he is now an adult. In fact they increase even more -- that's why he feels the need to take care of his parents and siblings.

He is expected via his cultural norms to encourage harmony and avoid conflict in his family dealings, even at the expense of his own well being. It is a difficult balance at times trying to navigate what asian culture expects vs. american culture.

I do not feel he is choosing his family over you; he's trying to do good to both of you and there is a clash over the level of attention and perceived respect. He is really caught in the middle and he's trying to do enough to keep each side somewhat satisfied.

This won't change how you feel about your situation, but it may help you understand that he's not doing it to hurt you.

RB said...

This breakup totally blindsided me.

What I don't understand is why T can't buy another house a few doors away from his present house. Then he would be close to his family, but could have a separate life with you. Why wouldn't that work?

jim said...

As it turns out the house next door to him is for sale. I have asked him to buy it for me several times, but the $2.5 million price tag was too much for him. The house is about twice the size of T's house.