You all know what I want more than anything. I loved being married and I want kind of a partnership again. I want to be with my partner all the time. I want to come home to him every night. I want to have to separate our socks on laundry day. I want to make dinner for him and for him to make dinner for me. I want to have to check with him before I accept an invitation to a party or make a large purchase. I want to get in bed at the end of the day each night and talk about our day as we drift off to sleep. I want to make up in the night and see him laying next to me. I want to go grocery shopping with him. I want him to be so connected to me that when either of us goes somewhere alone, people ask where the other is. I want to wake up every morning next to him. I want him to be involved with my family and I want to be involved with his. I want him to be my husband.
I want to share all of my life with my partner.
You know I love T. I love him with all my heart. I am deeply IN love with him. My love for him is unconditional and permanent. I know his love for me is the same. I am a lucky man to have a man love me the way he does. I've lost some hair since I've know him. I put on some weight (and lost some) in the time I have known him and he loves me just the same.
I don't want just any man to be my partner. I want T and no other. I want the man I love above all others.
You know that T and I do not live together. T lives with his elderly parents and two younger sisters and that is not likely to change. His parents are old fashioned and while they accept him as gay, and they (sort of) accept me as his boyfriend (even thought they don't talk about it). His sisters have their own issues and he cannot bear to see then left alone. He does not like to see my alone either, but not quite as much.
So where does that leave me? I spend a good deal of time with my kids at K's house, but when that is over I head home back to my house... Alone. I eat a snack alone. I fold my laundry, without having to separate socks. I put on MSNBC because I want to. I don't have to admit it's okay because I am there alone.
The is not alone. He has dinner with his family. The talk about the day they had. They talk about the garden or the problem with the landscaper. They tell jokes to each other and laugh together at the funny ones. The work together to clear the table. After dinner the spread out and each do their own thing, but they are still all together.
I know this family togetherness does not replace the his desire to be with the man he loves. I know in his heart, T wants the same thing I want. The problem is, if he is together with me, it would upset his whole family apple cart. He's just not willing to do that. Being with me would simply turn his whole world upside down. It would impact his whole family. He is not willing to do that for me.
Maybe it is not fair for me to ask that. It probably isn't. Especially when you consider that in his very first email communication, the VERY first one, he told me he could not ever live with anyone. Over the years he has been consistent and clear. Every time I whined about it, he told me that he could not promise to be with me. He told me over and over again. Get each time I allowed myself to believe, that my love would change him. I dreamed that his love for me would overcome the fear he had of upsetting his family.
But lately, as I have been spending more and more time alone, I am starting to see that, he is not going to change. He is not going to be with me. As much as we love each other, in order for us to stay a couple, I will have to get used to being alone. I am not sure that I can do that. The more lonely I get, the more frustrated I feel. I could do it for a while. I could do it if I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. But I have no idea how long the tunnel is
T is very perceptive. He has noticed my frustration.
On Thursday, After texting back and forth for a while, I decided that I needed to see him. I drove down to his house. It was late, with me arriving about 10:00. We both knew what was going to happen. Neither of were happy about it. He met me at the door with a huge and a kiss. We went up to his room and and sat on his bed. We held each other. We cried. We sobbed. We blew noses and wiped our eyes.
"Is this then end of us?" he asked me.
We both knew the answer. I was offering him a life with me and he was unable to accept it. We promised each other we would remain part of each others lives.
I will never stop loving him, but I just cannot stand to be alone most of the time forever.
So, What's next? I really don't know. I read how some of my fellow bloggers have trouble in the gay dating world and I am not eager to deal with that. I am older, fatter, and balder that I think most guys would be attracted to. Hell, I'm not attracted to guys who look like me.
I really don't know what to do next. I am scared. I'm still lonely.