Fear of Rejection

I think everyone has a fear of rejection at some level.  Some have it more than others.  I have it bad.

I think it is a leftover from when I was bullied in my school days.  I'm not going into it now, but what I endured was WAY more that the average kid deals with and it it lasted much longer.  But this is not a post about bullying.

Since I am newly single and entering the dating world, I have created online profiles on 2 different sites.  One of them I have even given money too.  So far I am not getting may hits.  I have written to several people and only one has written back, and I'm pretty sure it's going nowhere.  Why not?

Well, for starters no one seems to want to date an overweight, balding, middle aged guy.  They all say they are interested in the man "inside" but that is just bullshit people say.  Saying "I'm shallow and will probably judge you solely on your looks" is not very attractive when you write it down.  So even though I am a great guy and if people,especially will talk to me they like me, they don't talk to me.  I get rejected before they ever meet me.

I know this will take some time.  I didn't really expect men were going to line up at my door.  It would sure make me feel better if a few guys were interested.

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On another note, T and I are transitioning from being boyfriends to being friends.  I have not seen him since the night we broke up, but we talk most every day, at least for a little while.  We still text alot, but I have noticed not as much as before.

He has been supportive and encouraging about me putting myself out and meeting people.  I'm sure it is not easy for him.  Any easier than it is for me, anyway.  He could be very negative about it.  He could be upset at me for being displayed disloyal.  We could have a whole range of ugliness, but we don't.

I am going to see him this weekend.  It is his niece's birthday and she is throwing herself a party.  It will be mostly family, I assume, but she invited me too.  T wants me to go as well.  After the party I will go back to his house and hang out there for a while.

K thinks I am stupid for going there.  Stupider still for talking to him every day.  She thinks I need to separate myself from him for a while.  To allow time for each of us to get over the other.  I'm not sure that's necessary.  I don't love T any less than I did before, but I know we are doing the right thing.

Had I stuck out the relationship longer, maybe a year or more, the break up might have been ugly as my frustration grew.  It might have grown into resentment over time.  We stopped before it reached that point.  While I am still sad for the way it turned out, I am not angry or bitter.

For his part, I don't think T is either. He is still swamped with work, but I'm sure he is already cruising for casual sex at night.  (I'm kidding!!!). Seriously though, he has been supportive and has encouraged me when I am feeling down.  I am grateful for the support he has always given me, even when it was difficult for him.