Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Fear of Rejection

I think everyone has a fear of rejection at some level.  Some have it more than others.  I have it bad.

I think it is a leftover from when I was bullied in my school days.  I'm not going into it now, but what I endured was WAY more that the average kid deals with and it it lasted much longer.  But this is not a post about bullying.

Since I am newly single and entering the dating world, I have created online profiles on 2 different sites.  One of them I have even given money too.  So far I am not getting may hits.  I have written to several people and only one has written back, and I'm pretty sure it's going nowhere.  Why not?

Well, for starters no one seems to want to date an overweight, balding, middle aged guy.  They all say they are interested in the man "inside" but that is just bullshit people say.  Saying "I'm shallow and will probably judge you solely on your looks" is not very attractive when you write it down.  So even though I am a great guy and if people,especially will talk to me they like me, they don't talk to me.  I get rejected before they ever meet me.

I know this will take some time.  I didn't really expect men were going to line up at my door.  It would sure make me feel better if a few guys were interested.


On another note, T and I are transitioning from being boyfriends to being friends.  I have not seen him since the night we broke up, but we talk most every day, at least for a little while.  We still text alot, but I have noticed not as much as before.

He has been supportive and encouraging about me putting myself out and meeting people.  I'm sure it is not easy for him.  Any easier than it is for me, anyway.  He could be very negative about it.  He could be upset at me for being displayed disloyal.  We could have a whole range of ugliness, but we don't.

I am going to see him this weekend.  It is his niece's birthday and she is throwing herself a party.  It will be mostly family, I assume, but she invited me too.  T wants me to go as well.  After the party I will go back to his house and hang out there for a while.

K thinks I am stupid for going there.  Stupider still for talking to him every day.  She thinks I need to separate myself from him for a while.  To allow time for each of us to get over the other.  I'm not sure that's necessary.  I don't love T any less than I did before, but I know we are doing the right thing.

Had I stuck out the relationship longer, maybe a year or more, the break up might have been ugly as my frustration grew.  It might have grown into resentment over time.  We stopped before it reached that point.  While I am still sad for the way it turned out, I am not angry or bitter.

For his part, I don't think T is either. He is still swamped with work, but I'm sure he is already cruising for casual sex at night.  (I'm kidding!!!). Seriously though, he has been supportive and has encouraged me when I am feeling down.  I am grateful for the support he has always given me, even when it was difficult for him.


fan of casey said...

It seems you have gone down this path with T a number of times before, breaking up then getting back together. How do you expect this time will be different?

Sunne said...

As much as I hate to say it but I really think K is right.

In my younger days I had my own share of break ups never worked when we stayed close as friends..never. You are still emotionally attached which means you are still not available for others and believe it or long as you love him, you'll still hope for a happy end - not conscious but in a little hidden part of your heart.

That "staying friends" really only works if you both don't love each other any apart e.g.

Just playing some think you could be "fuck buddies"? No? Okay, that's right. Why? Because you are still loving him. Couldn't handle to have only half of what you want? Right? works the other way round, too. You think you can be friends? Getting only half from him of what you want? You think you can handle this?

Jim and T - you either get together again or take some time off each other, really. You are both in for a lot of hurt otherwise and you are both too nice to suffer like that.

Buddy Bear said...

I agree with K, very much. Having regular contact with T will be like constantly reopening the wound. It will make it impossible for you to move on.

TwoLives said...

I respectfully disagree with Sunne and Buddy Bear.

T is and always will be important to you. Whether you break contact with him or not, you'll continue to think about him and when you're out on a date you'll probably think about him even more. How is that any different than if you maintain your friendship with him and continue to date others? It's not, so why punish each other?

A slow start to dating is probably a good thing because you need time to adjust to your changed relationship with T. Look how long it took to adjust with K. Chances are, most dates you have for the next few months will be practice dates. It's unlikely that you'll meet anyone great but you will get better at pursuing guys who interest you.

Speaking of pursuing other guys, that's probably what you should expect to do. Dating is exhausting. It's easy to go through long periods of being burned out. When that happens, guys keep their profile up but don't contact anyone. They figure if anyone is interested in them, they'll respond, otherwise they'll focus on other (more immediately) rewarding aspects of life. At any given time, I'd guess that 9 out of 10 guys are in that passive dating mode.

You might try an LGBT friendly church or a gay support group. You might not meet Prince Charming in either place but you're sure to make new friends and expand your social network.

RB said...

Unfortunately in this gay culture it's often all about looks. Even the other overweight, balding guys look past you as they expect to meet a Brad Pitt.

I'm betting that you and T will eventually get back together. T can fix this problem, and I really can't understand why he hasn't already done it.

jim said...

It's funny you say that, because I am not attracted to guys that look like me.