Saturday, September 15, 2012

But Dad, I Don’t Want To Be Gay

Some of the blow back from being a gay dad is starting to have an impact.  More accurately, the blow back from being the son of a gay dad is starting to have an impact.

Two weekends ago, when T was at my house for the weekend, we wanted to take my kids out for dinner.  We usually do this when he visits and generally the kids are excited about it.  My kids really like him. We all could not fit in one car, my middle son immediately said he wanted to ride with T.  This time was no exception, well, except for my oldest.  He didn't want to go.  Both K and I agreed he should come for this family event.  At the time, I just thought he was not happy about being pulled away from his X-box.  It turned out there was something else going on.

It occurred to K that maybe he was not thrilled about going to dinner with his dad and his boyfriend.  I mean, for a kid his age, it's embarrassing enough to be seen with your family in public, but if it's clear to everyone that dad's a homo, then it's that much worse.  She told me about her concern and thought she should talk to him about.  She didn't think he would talk to me so she was going to do it herself.  I agreed.

A few days later, K and I talked about it.  Here are the bullets:

*  He is concerned that I am trying to be gay.
*  He is getting crap from some kids at school calling him gay because he does not have a girlfriend. 
*  He is worried that because I am gay, he might be gay too.

It was very stressful to hear that.  K assured me she told him that people are born gay.  God does not make mistakes and He made some people gay. She also told him that me being gay has nothing to do with him.  If he was gay, he would probably know it by now.  He said he wasn't, he likes girls.

She said when they were done talking, he seemed to feel better.  This happened two weeks ago.

Tonight he mentioned while I, and others, were there that somebody his "friends" were calling him gay.  K and I both told him it does not matter what they call him.  He knows he is not gay and nothing else really matters.  The friends giving him crap are not his friends, they are douche bags. 

Hopefully, he will not resent me for being gay.  While I know I have always been gay, from his perspective one day I changed from being a normal dad, with a normal family, to a gay dad who caused the family to break up.

Very stressful.


Buddy Bear said...

From what I've read and observed, it is an extremely common worry among sons of gay men. My wife is convinced that my son is "scared to death" that he is gay because of my gayness. I don't see that at all in him but she might be correct.

Our situation is made more difficult because I am a teacher at his school(he's in grade 11) and have many of his friends in my classes. I am out to my colleagues, family, friends and the community at large but so far have been holding back in "outing" myself to my students....

Anonymous said...

One of the main objectives of our school is to promote appreciation and empowerment of diversity.

In our schema (borrowed from Paulo Freire) - The problem with being an ethnic minority or son of gay parents or gay or having a disability .... is that you have to choose whether or not to be a victim. None of the rest of us can do the key act of liberation - it begins with the choice of the individual. So your son suddenly has choices to make and it probably hit him hard emotionally.

Blessings for you all. Ron

Anonymous said...

At a certain point in male life one turns from the mother to a male adult, often a father or grandfather, to take one from boy to man. This is normal, he's looking to you to teach him how to be a man, to be his role model. He might be afraid that if he bonds too closely and follows your example that he will become like you and lose himself.

I think it is a wonderful affirmation of your & K's parenting that he is opening up to both of you about his fears. Though he is anxious, he is still sharing what he feels and listening to your responses. He still trusts both of you and you are both responding to his anxiety out of love and maturity. Be patient, he'll get through this sometime soon and he will still turn to you to be his father and model, regardless of what the other kids say.