Confusion with some Clarity

I did not have time to feel bad yesterday.

In the morning K, the younger kids, and I went to look at a farm. She would like to have a mini farm where she can keep a couple of horses. Of course we are having problems selling our house, which we have to do first.

When we got back K decided that she was fed up with the mess in the garage. We spent the next few hours cleaning, sorting and moving. I took a load of stuff to our storage unit. Son 3 and I took a bigger load of stuff to the town recycling center.

When it was all done, I took everyone to Outback for dinner. We used to go there a lot, but now with 4 kids, it just cost too much. Kids were well behaved and we had a good time. We ordered too much food and brought a lot home. Lunch for today!! By this time it was after 8:00, we stopped at Blockbuster for a movie for the kids. We sent them upstairs and we had some adult time (no, not THAT kind of adult time).

She took a bath and I took a shower to wash off the sludge from the work we did today. We still share a bed and frequently rub her back before we go to sleep. She like it and it gives us quiet time to talk about the events of the day. After a day of avoiding our "issues" she asked, "So what's going on with you?"

I knew the questions was coming, but I was not looking forward to it.

We talked about a lot of things. About how I love her much more than a friend, but not the same way she loves me or the way a husband should love his wife. We talked about not being able to make everyone (including ourselves) happy. I told her I can do things for myself but that would make the people I care about miserable. Or I can do things that make others happy, while slowly wither on the inside.

As we talked she asked me a question I was not ready for, "What does your heart tell you is the right thing to do?"

At first it struck me a strange question. After I had time to think about it, I came to realize I have been ignoring my heart most of my life. I ignored and denied my sexuality and my attractions since I was a kid. How can I start listening to my heart now when I have been spending my life tell it, it's wrong. My heart told me I was gay a long time ago, but brain said no way. {stupid brain}

As I thought more, I thought the parts of my life that feel comfortable and the parts that don't. I love, LOVE being a dad. I love my kids and I love having my family together. This includes K too. I was gone for over a week with kids by myself and it was not the same without her. But I still feel a longing to have a man by my side. A man who loves me and wants to share my life, and share his life with me. I guess the family feels good, the husband part is feeling more and more uncomfortable.

In the end, it feels like we are moving closer to the time when I will have to move out of the house so each of us can move on. I'm not really sure I want to move on, but I probably need to. We both do.