Impure Thoughts

T's niece is also his office manager.  She work really hard and takes care of all the little things that makes T's office run smoothly.  I have known her for just over 5 years now and I like her a lot.  She has always treated me like family, even after T and I broke up.

So the Niece is having a big birthday party for herself.  She has invited 80 people and they are having at a banquet hall T just finished building as one of his newest business ventures.  This will be one of the first events he will have at this new property, so it's kind of like a test run before he starts renting it out to paying customers. 

There was a ton of work to do to get this up.  T and his sister have been doing most of it, but he asked me for some help.

It was really good to see him.  While we were moving stuff around, I was able to get him alone a few times.  I was going to say "all the old feelings came rushing back" but the truth is those feelings are are always there, just below the surface.  T's lips looked just as kissable as ever.  (They are just like this guys lips.) I could tell he was having old feelings come to the surface too.   

While we were working in the hall, I was constantly watching him.  He was tying bows on all the chairs.  He was taking his time to make them just right and because he is a little OCD, he didn't want me to help him.  There were other tasks for me, but I still watched him.  Especially when he would bend over to pick something up off the floor.  I could not stop myself from looking at his butt.  Of course in my mind he was naked, and since I have seen him naked many times, it was not hard for me to picture.  

I wanted to come up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and kiss his neck.  His sister was in the hall working with us, so I couldn't do that, but boy did I want to.  

I helped out for a couple hours and when there was no more work for me to do, I left to go home.... alone. 

I know T and I are over.  We both know it.  We both have still have feelings for each other.  It's both a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because it shows that we will be connected even many years form now.  It's a curse, because I compare my feeling for anyone else, against my feelings for T, and of course, no one measures up.  The Chef might come the closest, but even then he is a really long way off.

Moving Along, but Adrift

Things for me are moving along, but like all things with me, they are moving slowly.  Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed.  Other times, I am to busy to feel much of anything.

T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week.  We see each other rarely.  In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people.  He would invite me to a large family dinner for example.   I enjoy going to these kinds of events, but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk.

Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling.  To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it, but since I really don't have anyone else to talk to, he is stuck with it.  One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up.

Not long ago he told me I was "letting life drift by".  Personally I think I am stuck in the current, but either way, I am not taking control of my life.  I am letting other pull me in one direction or another.  The things I need to take charge of, I am not.  So what am I going to do about it?  

I opened a new profile on a gay dating site.  This site is known as more of a hook up site, but you never know (and it's free).  In the first week I have had 3 people write to me, not counting the four hot, muscular, young guys who wanted to know if I am "generous".   Two of the people who wrote to me, wrote very short notes about themselves.  I wrote back to them, with a little something about myself.  That must have been enough to turn both of them off, because I never heard from either of them again.  The third guy turned out to be a closeted, married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with.  Umm...  No thanks.

I am still talking to the Chef, but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other.  We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them.  It's not only are we not on the same page, we are not in the same book.  He keep telling me that once we understand each other better, than we could be good together, and will look back at this time a laugh.  I am not so sure.  I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that.  I'll keep taking to him, but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click.  I am not getting any younger.  Even if we are not destine to be partners, I still would like to count him as a friend.

I know they are baby steps, but I am moving along.