Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Cruise and The Beach

K and AJ are on a cruise this week.  They left on Saturday and they will be back next Saturday.  That means that I have the kids all week by myself.  The kids have a lot of stuff going on this week, which is stressing me out.  

I want to go on a cruise, but I have no one to go with.  It's too expensive to go alone and I don't think I would have fun alone anyway.  

T might go with me...... if he was not working so much.  Maybe in a few years when he gets his business sorted out we can take a short one.  K and the kids would go with me.  While that might be fun, it's not the romantic getaway that I am hoping for.

So, rather than thinking too much about it, I have started to think about the trip to the beach with T and his family.  They have booked a house that is not on the beach, but is very close to it.  I am very excited.   I love the beach.  I can walk the beach for hours.  I can sit in the sand and listen to the surf for hours.   I don't know what the sight seeing plan for the weekend is, but I know at night, I will walk to the beach and listen to the surf.  I am hoping T will want to come with me.   I would really love it if he did.

I will also get up one morning and be on the beach for sunrise.   There is nothing like seeing the sun come up over the ocean.  Maybe T will come with me for that too.

I know that T and I will not emerge from this trip boyfriends.  As much as my heart wants that, my mind knows that it will not work out.  T does too.  To have him again would mean I would have to give up some of the most important things that I want out of my gay life.  I would have to give up having a real partner.  I would have to give up getting married again.  I would have to give up sleeping next to the man I love every night.  

But for now, I am going to push that all to the side.  I am going to look forward to this trip.  I am going to treasure the memories that we will build together.  I am going to have a good time.  

I am going to have my time on the beach with the surf.