Friday, May 31, 2013

Dinner, Fat Pants, and Sleeping Alone

Between May and November of last year I lost more than 40 pounds.  I was so sure I was going to maintain that loss, I donated all my fat clothes to charity.  It was 4 or 5 garbage bags of clothing.  Since November I have put most of that weight back on.  It's is just so hard to stay on it once you fall off the wagon.

Last night T invited me to dinner with his family.  His dad also made a point of making sure I was invited.  Usually when I meet them for a dinner out, they will go to casual places.  Places you can show up wearing shorts and a t-shirt.  Not this time.  They were going out to a fancy place in the city to celebrate the closing on the new building.  (T bought a second building so he can open a second office.  He believes having 2 office will allow him more free time than just one. That's a story for another post.)

In my job I usually work from home and only interact with co-workers via Skype or cell phone so there is no reason for me to dress up for work.  T told me I had to dress nicer for this dinner.  I tried on my nice pants and while I could button them, they were way too tight.  I need to get a pair of fat pants.  *sigh*  

On my way to meet T in the city, I bought a new pair of pants and a belt.  I found the restaurant, got the valet to take my car, and just then T and his family arrived.  We walked in, sat down as a big family.  I sat in the middle of the table with T on one side and his youngest sister on the other. 

The dinner was delicious.  Appetizers were just okay, but the dinner itself was fantastic.  I had a good time, feeling like a part of the family.

When dinner was over, T rode with me back to his house.  It was just after dark, we walked around his yard a little looking at plants and inspecting landscape lighting before going inside.  I saw his sister was already changed into more comfortable clothes.  I poked around into the cupboard looking for the stash of chocolates T keeps in there.  I got the feeling I was home.  You know that feeling when you go do something special with your family and then everyone goes back home and slips back into normalcy?  That was the feeling I had and it was really nice.   

T changed into his comfortable clothes we snuggled together on the couch watching TV.  He was holding me with my head on his chest.  I could hear his heart beating as I briefly drifted off to sleep.  I woke about 20 min later and realized it was time for me to go home.  

I loved being with him and I loved I was able to cuddle with him a little.  As always, though, I hated leaving.  I wanted him to take me to bed and hold me all night long.  But that was not going to happen.  

I drove home, and though I have love in my heart, I went to bed alone.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

A View Of The Life I Want

A few years ago I wrote about a guy that used to leave near me.  His name is "Steve".  Steve is GGAAYY.  I met him nearly 10 years ago and I knew in 5 seconds he is gay.  Honestly, his behaviors are a gay stereotype.   When I met him he was married... to a woman.  He had three children.  One from his first wife (who died from a complication of childbirth) and 2 from his current wife  (current at the time anyway).  

K and I used to have Steve and his wife over to our house quite a bit.  Our kids played with their kids and we all liked hanging out together.  I always believed Steve to be gay, but despite his mannerisms, he talked like a semi-homophobic religious type.

Eventually his wife caught him with a man and their marriage fell apart into a HUGE mess.  When he eventually came out to me, I could not even act surprised.  I told him not only did I know, but I gave me an opportunity to come out to him too.  I had not met T at this point.  Steve and I never did anything physical but it was really nice to have someone to talk to who understood where I was coming from.

For a while, Steve engaged in a lot of risky behavior.  He had a lot of anonymous hook ups facilitated by Craigslist.   While he was in that mode I mostly lost touch with him.  I had enough contact to know his version of the gay lifestyle was not for me.   I also knew his relationship with his ex-wife was poisonous for for both them and their kids.

Fast forward a couple of years.  Over the past 6 months I have meet up with Steve and his new partner named "Alex" a few times.  Steve is 38 and Alex is 26 but in a lot of ways I think Alex has this shit together a lot more than Steve.  He is more sensible and I think that the relationship has been really good for Steve.

A couple of weeks ago, they invited me to a party to celebrate Alex's college graduation.  After saying I would go, I had to back out at the last minute.  I offered to take them out to dinner to make up for it.  I had that dinner last week.

I met them at their new place.  Until about a month ago, they had officially been living separately, but I think Alex had quite a few sleepovers.  Now they share a home.  Steve moved into Alex's single wide trailer and in the past month they have done a lot of renovations themselves.  They added windows, moved walls, installed a fireplace and built a back porch.  It really was impressive what they did together.

After they showed me around we went out to dinner.  While the food was good, the service was very slow.  I was OK with me since the the conversation was nice.  I was impressed to see how this relationship with Alex had brought structure to Steve's life.  I think Alex added actual meaning to Steve's life.  A reason not to self destruct in the face of his crazy ex-wife.  

It was clear they were in love.  It was clear they were 2 people living as one.  They were partners in everything.

This is the life I want for T and me.  This is the live I dream about.