Saturday, March 8, 2014

Feelings. Real or Imagined

I enjoy getting comments on my blog. Even when I disagree with them, I appreciate that were offered in the spirit of helping me deal with a certain problem. Generally I have made it a policy not to comment on comments. I don't want this place where I come to work out things to turn into a debate forum. That said, a comment on my last posting is making me think a little.

When I chose to marry K and start a life with her, it was the early 1990's. While does not seem like too long ago, If you consider where we are as a society in respect to gay people, 1990 is light years away.

In 1993 when K and I married, it was not that I was a gay man pretending to be straight. At that time, I had convinced myself that being gay was simply a matter of sexual behavior. If I was having sex with women I was straight and if I was having it with a man I was gay. I believed (as did most people at the time) that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be staight.

In 1993, loved K very much. She was great to be around. She made me happy and I made her happy. From my perspective that was the recipe for a happy marriage. I told her about my past encounters with guys and she was OK with it.

I never told K anything about my feelings that I did not believe in my heart was true at the time I said it. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that some of those things were feeling I convinced myself I had rather than genuine feelings. (When you spend your life trying to make your feeling comport with what everyone is telling you should feel, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.

So I while I regret the pain that K had to deal with in our divorce, I do not feel any guilt or shame that I misled her into a marriage simply to hide my sexual orientation.

Fast forward to today.

I have had 2 dates with the Professor. On the second date it was clear that he wanted to get more physical with me than I was ready for. He clearly likes me. I think he is a nice guy. I can see myself being friends with him, but I am not sure about dating him (or more). Maybe those feelings would grow over time.

However, I am I starting a possible relationship with a lie. Unlike when I was getting started with K, I have already told the Professor things that I know are not quite true. He asked about the break up with T and I told him it was about 6 months ago. (TRUE) I told him that what I wanted out of a relationship and what T wanted was largely incompatible. (TRUE) I told him that I was over T and did have the "in love" feelings anymore. (NOT TRUE) I told him that while I still cared about T, I was ready to move on. (HALF-TRUE)

So what the hell am I doing? Maybe I am hoping as I get to know the Professor, my feelings for him will grow and my feelings for T will shrink. (I'm pretty sure T thinks that will happen.) Maybe it will not be important in the long run, that I am still in love with T now.

There is also the thing that I am not expecting the Professor or anyone else will work out. Since I have only seen him twice, I don't need to tell him everything. I mean, who spills all their intimate feelings on the first or second date. I don't think I am obligated to tell him my life story the first week I meet him, I am ?

I guess it will depend on where it leads. I am going to wait and see.


RB said...

Isn't one cardinal rule of dating that you should not discuss previous relationships?

If you tell guys that you are not over T, then don't waste their time. No one will want to get involved with you.

Second gay date and not yet physical? Interesting.

It sounds like you're not so into this guy, but hoping he will grow on you.

catrina said...

I, like you, mourned the loss of a relationship. Mine was my ex-husband, a guy I'd loved since I was 12. For two years every relationship I had failed. It was much later that I realized they'd failed because I expected them to ('nobody could ever love me like him'; I could never love anyone like I did him'). When I opened myself to new possibilities, and realized that I was romanticizing the relationship ex-husband and I had, I realized I could move on. Try to think objectively about your relationship with T. Was it REALLY so wonderful that you never want to entertain the thought of a loving, happy relationship with someone else? I didn't think so. Allow yourself some fond memories, but PLEASE don't let your past affect your entire future! Easier said than done, I know....but well worth the effort.

GuyDads said...

I totally believed "that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be straight" all through 2 marriages in the 80's and 90's.
Very well put.

fan of casey said...

Check out Dr. Phil. He often talks about the "why lie" we tell ourselves, to avoid the truth because it is too difficult to consider.

I think you are dating for the wrong reason -- to find someone to help you forget T, or perhaps to give him some competition?

Anyway, if you are not over T, I don't see how you can give the next guy a fair shake. The next guy will be a rebound guy, instead of someone long term. Take a break from dating until you decide you know what you want.

Charles Anthony Lerasan said...

I haven't had that much dating experience myself, but it is quite understandable that you had "HALF TRUE" sharings with The Professor. But I do hope that you keep true to your feelings even if it had to be on the face on someone you want to work things out with.

And about this T, I loved someone before. Well, I do still love her until now. But the great thing is it's different from what it was before. And you cant have someone to teach you to move on the feeling from a previous love. It had to start in you. It took me years to realize things. So I guess you take it slow with moving on. Distance with T can help. And also keeping yourself busy with things like sports or academe.

God bLess!

PS. Your posts are interesting that i got hoked up into following your blog. looking forward on your next post!

peace said...

we all learn new things in our relationships. what's important is that we have loved and have loved wholeheartedly and truly. nothing is forever.

i have not returned to your blog for a long time and am surprised to read of the break yup with T. then again, all things - good or bad - will end sometime. i guess it is something that both of you have agreed to and have to come to terms with.

give yourself a good break and when you think you are ready, go and fall in love again. but don't rush. give yourself the time and the space to enjoy the time alone and to rediscover things that you have not enjoyed in the last 5-6 years when you were with T.

i wish you well.