I enjoy getting comments on my blog. Even when I disagree with them, I appreciate that were offered in the spirit of helping me deal with a certain problem. Generally I have made it a policy not to comment on comments. I don't want this place where I come to work out things to turn into a debate forum. That said, a comment on my last posting is making me think a little.
When I chose to marry K and start a life with her, it was the early 1990's. While does not seem like too long ago, If you consider where we are as a society in respect to gay people, 1990 is light years away.
In 1993 when K and I married, it was not that I was a gay man pretending to be straight. At that time, I had convinced myself that being gay was simply a matter of sexual behavior. If I was having sex with women I was straight and if I was having it with a man I was gay. I believed (as did most people at the time) that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be staight.
In 1993, loved K very much. She was great to be around. She made me happy and I made her happy. From my perspective that was the recipe for a happy marriage. I told her about my past encounters with guys and she was OK with it.
I never told K anything about my feelings that I did not believe in my heart was true at the time I said it. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that some of those things were feeling I convinced myself I had rather than genuine feelings. (When you spend your life trying to make your feeling comport with what everyone is telling you should feel, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.
So I while I regret the pain that K had to deal with in our divorce, I do not feel any guilt or shame that I misled her into a marriage simply to hide my sexual orientation.
Fast forward to today.
I have had 2 dates with the Professor. On the second date it was clear that he wanted to get more physical with me than I was ready for. He clearly likes me. I think he is a nice guy. I can see myself being friends with him, but I am not sure about dating him (or more). Maybe those feelings would grow over time.
However, I am I starting a possible relationship with a lie. Unlike when I was getting started with K, I have already told the Professor things that I know are not quite true. He asked about the break up with T and I told him it was about 6 months ago. (TRUE) I told him that what I wanted out of a relationship and what T wanted was largely incompatible. (TRUE) I told him that I was over T and did have the "in love" feelings anymore. (NOT TRUE) I told him that while I still cared about T, I was ready to move on. (HALF-TRUE)
So what the hell am I doing? Maybe I am hoping as I get to know the Professor, my feelings for him will grow and my feelings for T will shrink. (I'm pretty sure T thinks that will happen.) Maybe it will not be important in the long run, that I am still in love with T now.
There is also the thing that I am not expecting the Professor or anyone else will work out. Since I have only seen him twice, I don't need to tell him everything. I mean, who spills all their intimate feelings on the first or second date. I don't think I am obligated to tell him my life story the first week I meet him, I am ?
I guess it will depend on where it leads. I am going to wait and see.