Christmas Miracle? Maybe.

Cory and I got together about 3 times before I was scheduled to leave for a family vacation.  I went on a cruise with the kids, K, AJ, my mother and AJ's daughter and her BF.  (Yeah, 10 of us, but we all had a great time.)  In those times, the sex was better as we got to know each other better.  I also was starting to think I was wrong about him being deep in the closet.

After the cruise he told me he would meet me at the house and spend the night with me. This would be the first time anyone had stayed over since T and I broke up.  

Cory arrived at my house about 10 minutes after I got back from the airport.  I was greeted with a big kiss and a hug from his strong arms.  I could tell he really missed me and he was happy I was home.  It felt good that someone was there to greet me and had missed me while I was gone.

He stayed the night and spent the next day (which was a Sunday) hanging out and watching football.  At one point in the day my daughter came over.  He was very good with her and she seemed to like him.

At this point I am starting think he might just be the real thing.  He might be the person I have been looking for.  Maybe.  Or he might be too good to be true.  I did not want to get ahead of myself.  The Chef seemed to be the real thing for a while too, and that turned into a mess.

Cory is nice to talk to.  He has a deep, but soothing voice.  He also has a lot of his mind.  There is a lot of things he thinks about, but he doesn't really have anyone to talk to.  He says he likes that I listen to him.  Of course I will listen.  That's how you get to know people, right?

A few days after Cory greeted me from the cruise, he was planning to go to his home state for the Christmas holiday to visit his family.  All of his family was there and he had not seen his mom or grandmother in a long time.   Unfortunately, his plans fell through and he was going to be alone on Christmas.   

I invited him to come stay with me for Christmas.  I talked to K and he agreed to have him over to her place for Christmas dinner.  Cory agreed and he came to my house after work on Wednesday.  He packed enough to stay through the weekend.  Until Sunday!!!  I was not expecting that he would stay for 5 days, but I was really excited about it.  

We had a great time together.  We hung out with K and the kids.  We spent a lot of time back at my house alone.  Yes, there was a fair amount of sex, but there was intimacy on other levels too.  We spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch watch movies on TV.  We spent a lot of time naked in bed, talking in the dark about everything.   

It was not all naked cuddling.  We went out to for a meal several times.  We took my kids to see the new Star Wars movie.  My youngest son came over and watched TV with us for a couple of hours.

Little by little.  More and more. I was realizing I was falling in love with Cory.  Even K liked him.  I found out he was feeling the same way.   He told me about other guys he had met recently who did not seem interested to get to know him beyond his muscular body or the size of his penis.  He met some guys who were only interested because they have a fetish for black boys and wanted to get into his pants.  They had no interest in getting to know the man inside.  I was not treating him like a piece of meat, but as a whole person.  He liked that.  

I told him that,  of course I loved his body, I was not just looking for that.  I wanted a friend, a boyfriend, or in the best case, a partner and husband.   I wanted to get to know all of him. His body, yes, but also his heart, mind a soul.    Spending 5 days together, you can learn a lot about a person.  

So is Cory my Christmas miracle?  Maybe he is.  I can't say yet, but at this moment I am very happy.  I can clearly picture him living in my house and being my husband.  I am going to try hard not to push things, but rather go with the flow and enjoy the ride.   It's not easy for me, but I will try hard.  I don't want to screw this up.

Change of Focus

Hi there and Merry Christmas.  Sorry I have been off the grid for a while, but a lot of things have happened.  Most of them good (or at least healthy) for me.

Over the last few months I have made a few attitude adjustments.  

1.  I have come to realize that, even in my head, I cannot hold on the fantasy of T and I getting together.  I know we will always love each other, and will always be friends, but there will be no long term love connection there.

2.  Because online line dating, with the goal of finding a boyfriend is a frustrating failure, I have shifted my focus.  I am not approaching it with the mindset of making new friends (and maybe some casual sex partners).  Even thought this was only a shift in my head, it seems to help me. 

3. If I had more friends, I would not be so lonely or so worried about having a boyfriend.   If I had friends I could call up and go out for a drink with when I had nothing else to do.

So through October and November I tried to enjoy the "freedom" of being single.  I was getting some hits on my online profiles and I tried to meet as many people in real life as possible.  

I got a hit from one guy I met more than 2 years ago.  I had just recently broken up with T and at that time I was rebounding big time.  We had one date and then never spoke again.  This time it was different.   Let's call him "Norm"  I am calling him that because the couple of gay bars we would hang out in, everybody knew his name.   Norm is a black guy slightly older than me.  He is in reasonably good shape for a man his age and a lot of fun to talk to.  It was fun to go to the gays bars with him because he knew a lot of people and he was able to introduce me to them.

Going to the gay bars with Norm was had it's goods and bads.  The good was that it was fun to meet new people and talk to them.  Because they already knew Norm, they were more likely to talk to me than if I was there alone.  The other things I learned, is that the same people hang out in the gay bars all the time, and I didn't really want to be a part of that.   I was quickly getting bored hanging around the same bars with him, with the same people in the bar night after night.

Norm's a good guy and I will try to remain his friend, but he is definitely not boyfriend material for me.  

Just before Thanksgiving, I got pinged by 3 younger black guys, who all wanted to meet me.  (K asked me what I had against white guys.  I told her nothing.  It''d just that all the people reaching out to me lately were black guys.  And all younger ones.)

I talked online with all 3 of them for a while and I decided I would meet each of them in person.  Just to see what they were really like.

One guy was 31, a little overweight and worked in a big corporate office.  He was nice, but I didn't really feel any spark there.  I might be friends with him, but nothing more.

Guy number 2 was 24, and had just quit his job to go back to school.  He drove a nice car and it seemed his parents were quite well off, so I was sure he was not looking for a sugar daddy.  He was very fem guy, which I always thought I would not like.  He has the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and he was able to hold a conversation well.   In the end, (after 2 dates) I think he decided that I was not the guy for him and he stopped talking to me.

Guy number 3, was 34 and did not have a picture on his profile.  When I asked him for a picture he sent me one that looks like this one below.  This is not Guy number 3's picture, but it is close to what he send me.  Guy number 3's abs are not a ripped as the guy in the picture, but rests is pretty close.  

Well Holy Shit, Yes, I wanted to meet him.   I mean really he has the physical proportions of my dream man.  Let's call him "Cory"

I met him and he was super nice.  He was very smart, with a Master's degree to prove it.  Through his fitted shirt I could see that the guy in the picture was really Cory, and not some stolen picture.  

After some nice conversation and naked romp in my bedroom, I was captivated by him.  Not only because of the stunning physical beauty, but because I really liked talking to him.  It was a fascinating guy and I wanted t get to know him. 

I was brought back to earth when some of the things he told me made me think that he was something of a closet case.  He led me to believe that he was not out to anyone and was looking for a discreet relationship with someone who was not going to talk about it.  

OK, I figured.  This hot god just wants to have sex with me?  OK.  I can do that for a while while I'm looking for a boyfriend.  The sex was good, and I have never had a guy with this kind of a body interested in me before.  I mean, what did I have to lose, right?

More on that in the next post.

Impure Thoughts

T's niece is also his office manager.  She work really hard and takes care of all the little things that makes T's office run smoothly.  I have known her for just over 5 years now and I like her a lot.  She has always treated me like family, even after T and I broke up.

So the Niece is having a big birthday party for herself.  She has invited 80 people and they are having at a banquet hall T just finished building as one of his newest business ventures.  This will be one of the first events he will have at this new property, so it's kind of like a test run before he starts renting it out to paying customers. 

There was a ton of work to do to get this up.  T and his sister have been doing most of it, but he asked me for some help.

It was really good to see him.  While we were moving stuff around, I was able to get him alone a few times.  I was going to say "all the old feelings came rushing back" but the truth is those feelings are are always there, just below the surface.  T's lips looked just as kissable as ever.  (They are just like this guys lips.) I could tell he was having old feelings come to the surface too.   

While we were working in the hall, I was constantly watching him.  He was tying bows on all the chairs.  He was taking his time to make them just right and because he is a little OCD, he didn't want me to help him.  There were other tasks for me, but I still watched him.  Especially when he would bend over to pick something up off the floor.  I could not stop myself from looking at his butt.  Of course in my mind he was naked, and since I have seen him naked many times, it was not hard for me to picture.  

I wanted to come up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and kiss his neck.  His sister was in the hall working with us, so I couldn't do that, but boy did I want to.  

I helped out for a couple hours and when there was no more work for me to do, I left to go home.... alone. 

I know T and I are over.  We both know it.  We both have still have feelings for each other.  It's both a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because it shows that we will be connected even many years form now.  It's a curse, because I compare my feeling for anyone else, against my feelings for T, and of course, no one measures up.  The Chef might come the closest, but even then he is a really long way off.

Moving Along, but Adrift

Things for me are moving along, but like all things with me, they are moving slowly.  Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed.  Other times, I am to busy to feel much of anything.

T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week.  We see each other rarely.  In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people.  He would invite me to a large family dinner for example.   I enjoy going to these kinds of events, but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk.

Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling.  To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it, but since I really don't have anyone else to talk to, he is stuck with it.  One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up.

Not long ago he told me I was "letting life drift by".  Personally I think I am stuck in the current, but either way, I am not taking control of my life.  I am letting other pull me in one direction or another.  The things I need to take charge of, I am not.  So what am I going to do about it?  

I opened a new profile on a gay dating site.  This site is known as more of a hook up site, but you never know (and it's free).  In the first week I have had 3 people write to me, not counting the four hot, muscular, young guys who wanted to know if I am "generous".   Two of the people who wrote to me, wrote very short notes about themselves.  I wrote back to them, with a little something about myself.  That must have been enough to turn both of them off, because I never heard from either of them again.  The third guy turned out to be a closeted, married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with.  Umm...  No thanks.

I am still talking to the Chef, but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other.  We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them.  It's not only are we not on the same page, we are not in the same book.  He keep telling me that once we understand each other better, than we could be good together, and will look back at this time a laugh.  I am not so sure.  I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that.  I'll keep taking to him, but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click.  I am not getting any younger.  Even if we are not destine to be partners, I still would like to count him as a friend.

I know they are baby steps, but I am moving along.

Thoughts on Pride

Charlotte Pride is the weekend.   I went yesterday to the street festival.  Later on today I am going back to see the Parade.  

To be perfectly honest I don't like parades and I really don't understand why other people seem to like them so much.  I am not talking about just Pride parades, but parades generally.  My small town has an annual Thanksgiving parade that literally the whole town comes out for.  I sit through it every year.  I somehow feel like I have to, but I really don't like it.

Back the Pride parade today, I am going.  I want to see what it's all about and what happens.   Back in June I went to my very first Pride parade in London.  It was fun, and not quite what I expected.  We will see what happens today.  

Yesterday (and today) there was a street festival.  A few stages with bands, lots of local businesses with booths, and lots of people.

I went with the Chef.  It was nice to not be there alone, but it was also nice being there with someone I liked.  (T says I love him, but I am not to that point yet.)  Pride and other "gay" events are not really Chef's thing, but he went for me, which I was pretty happy about.

It was a lot of fun.  I like people watching and there were a lot of people to watch.  There were a lot of young hot homos there, but there were a lot more regular looking people.  There was a lot of people my age or older.  There were a lot of pretty, muscular guys and there were a lot of... er ... not so pretty guys.   There seemed to be a lot of straight people there.  There were not that many gay couples holding hands, but when I saw straight couples, the man was almost always holding the hand of the woman he was with.  (tee hee)

Chef and I were at this booth waiting to talk to the people running it.  I can't remember what it was, but it's not important.  There was a young couple in front of us.  They were about 25, and it seemed to me that they had been together a while.  When they talked, there were very in sync with each other.  In a lot of ways K and I were like that (and still are).   I was thinking about how sometimes wish I had that when i was that age.  That I would not be at Pride now with a guy I was thinking about getting serious with, but instead being there with my partner of 20+ years.  

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about, "what if I had been able to come out in my 20's". but I did have a flash of it today.  

I'll let you know how the parade comes out.  

Making Friends with the Chef

When I last talked about The Chef, it was not in a nice way.  I can't remember now (and I am too lazy to go back and look) what the issue was, but it is likely he felt some slight from me (to be fair, often justified), got emotional, and said something horrible.  He does that when he gets upset.  K used to do that too.  When she did it over the years, it would upset me, but I would quickly decide that it was not worth the argument and I would let it drop.

When The Chef does it, it pisses me off and I think, "Well fuck him.  I don't need this shit." and I stop talking to him.  Then because I'm pissed, I'll tell someone like K or T that The Chef was an asshole to me.  They tell me he is a jerk and I should stop wasting time with him.   I won't tell them about the thing I did to provoke him, so he ends up looking worse.

Invariably, in a couple of days, but no longer than a week, The Chef will reach out to me.  He will say something cute that will break my urge to ignore him.  When I respond, he will apologize for whatever it is that he said.  We will engage in conversation and then we both feel better.   This has happened a few times over the year I have known him.

So the question is, why do I bother with him?

I think part of the reason is, he likes me.  Since T and I broke up, I have been online looking to meet people with poor results.  Gay guys don't seem to like me.  I am not what they want physically and therefore they are not interested in taking the time to get to know me.  Most people who take the time, like me to some degree.  The Chef is someone who is not interested in guys who look like they stepped off the cover of Men's Health.   He is attracted to guys who look like me, therefore he was interested in taking the time to get to know me.

T was like that too.  I never had a lean body, and I know T likes that.  But with him, he liked my eyes.  That small physical attraction was enough for him to want to get to know me.  Once he did, he was able to look past other physical defects, get to know the real me and... well, you know the rest. 

Regarding The Chef, it would be dishonest of me to not admit that part of the reason  I am willing to deal with his emotional outbursts, is because he likes me, and there are not a lot of other guy who do.  I have to admit that part of me (a small part) wonders if he is not my last best chance.  

The other reason is more self-reflective.  I think I provoke him.   Part of me is still (and will always) be linked to T.  My feelings for him are always there.  Sometimes, I think I am disappointed that The Chef is not T, so I do or say things that push The Chef away. 

This is all in my head.  T is not doing or saying anything to make me hang on to him.  In fact, sometimes I feel like he is keeping me at arms length, you know close enough for a best friend, but not as close as a boyfriend.  He tells me all the time I need to find a boyfriend.  I have told you before about the active steps he has taken to invite me to things where I will meet other gay people.  He has been clear on what I need to do.  The stuff in my head, is mine alone.

So back to The Chef.    Over the past several months we have been talking.   He would like more of a boyfriend relationship with me.  I am resisting.  When I start to think that way, shit happens and then it's no fun.  I have made it clear that I want to be his friend first.  I want to get to know him more.  I want to take things as they come.  If he is my boyfriend, I have certain expectations of him.  I have different and lesser expectations of people who are just friends.   

With the "just friends" attitude, we have been getting along pretty well over the last few months.  I know he still wants more.  I don't know where it will go in the end.  I am taking things as they come.

I am still actively trying to meet more people.  I will still go to the "gathering of the gays" that T invites me to.  Two of the guys that go (a married couple) live not far from me and are interested in meeting up from time to time.  I am also thinking about joining a gay bowling league, different from the one I did a few years ago.    If this thing with The Chef does not work out, then I maybe I will have some good friends I can hang with.  That will make being alone, not so bad.  

Clearing Up The Conflict

In the end, I went to the dinner.   T was really into the celebration.  More so that I would have expected.  I took this picture of him popping out of the cake.  

I worked out a deal with my daughter.  I told her I would go to a friends birthday party, and I would take her and her brothers to a theme park on Sunday.   Seemed like a fair trade to her.  I got to go with a clear conscience.   While she did not say anything, I think K would have preferred that I went to help her with the kids.  I figured she's a big girl and can handle it.

If I had not gone, T would have told me the food was not that good, to spare my feelings, but as it turns out, the food really was not that good.  It was OK, but the place bills itself as a high class Asian restaurant , but it was not any better than the take out joint near my house.  Just more expensive.

The birthday boy reserved a room with a large "U" shaped table.  The people were kind of divided.  His family on one side and the gays on the other side.  I doubt it was planned that way, but that's how people sorted themselves out.

I sat next to a couple, I'll call them Mike and Robert.  They have been together 24 years and they just got their first dog.    Robert was going on and on about this snooty dog they got from a snooty breeder.  (All my dogs have been mutts rescued from the pound.)  Robert was talking about the dog with a not too bad looking Asian guy (T thinks he was Filipino) who also has a snooty breeder dog.    At first, T thought I should engage the Asian guy, since he knows I have a weakness for men of the Far East.  We did not have to hear him talk too long before I knew that we was not for me.  T knew too.  He was GAAAYYYY.  I mean gay like Jack from "Will & Grace".  There is nothing wrong with people like that, it's just not attractive to me.

Anyway, Mike was much more talkative with me.  He is also from the Northeastern Unites States and was transplanted to the south.  We talked about how after more than 10 years of living here, we could not handle the cold any more, so moving back was out of the question.

Mike asked me if T was my partner.  I told him we used to date, but now we were just friends.  I let him know the position was open and I was accepting applications if he knew anyone interested.  He told me I have to "put myself out there".    Yeah.... where have I heard that before?

Anyway, the dinner was nice and the company was good too.  T did not talk to me much during dinner.  He was not being rude.  In his mind he was giving be a chance to talk to the other people at the table.  I would have preferred there be no one else at the table and I could have spent the entire evening staring into T's eyes.  

Sorry, I lost track of myself for a minute.  

Anyway, that is the update and it all turned out right in the end.

Frustrating Conflict In My Head

I want to be to be in two places at one time. 

Yesterday I came back from a 10 day business trip.  I was five time zones away so it was difficult to keep in contact back home.  When I got home yesterday, my daughter was the happiest to see me.    I am sure the other kids missed me to, but they had other things on their minds.... like Xbox.

Tonight is an annual fireworks display that I always attend with the family.  I always have a good time and the kids like it.  Since I have been gone, it seems extra important that I attend.  At least in my head.

One of the guys from T's new batch of friends is having a birthday today.  I have met this guy and his partner at T's house more than a few times.  They are good guys and I was invited to his birthday dinner tonight.  In addition to being a good excuse to see T (whom I have not seen in several weeks) it would be another chance to make an impression on these new people so maybe I can make some friends of my own.  

I cannot be in both places at the same time, so since the kids expect me at the fireworks, I told the birthday boy that while I appreciated the invite, I was doing this other things with the kids.

Now I am agonizing about this decision.   You see I WANT to go to the birthday dinner.  However, I feel like I HAVE to go to the fireworks with the kids.   

While I am at the fireworks, I will be thinking about the dinner and how much fun it probably was.  I will talk to T later tonight and he will tell me.  (If it was super crazy fun, T would tone down his report so as not to make me feel bad.  He might tell me the food was not too good, so I would not feel like I missed out.  Not exactly a lie.  Maybe a "soft-peddle" of the truth.)

On the other hand, if I go to the dinner, I will be thinking about the kids at the fireworks.  I don't want to be the absentee father, so I would be feeling guilty about not being there.  MY daughter told me she really wants me to come, which would add to the guilt.  I think I would have a good time at the dinner, even though I am on the outside of that group, they are nice to me when I am there.  Every time I get together with them, I increase my chances of making a connection.  (All I want is a friendship connection.  Not looking for love at this point.)  At the same time, I don't like the idea of missing events with my kids.  

Last year K took the the kids on a cruise.  I went too.  Not really because I had a burning desire to take a cruise with her and her husband.  It was more that I did not want my kids to have that experience without their dad being there to share in it.  More than a year later they are talking about the cruise and I am happy when they say to me, "Dad remember on the cruise when....?"  and I can say, "Yup, I remember that!!"     I kind of feel this way about the fireworks tonight.  I know I don't need to be "super-dad" and be at everything.  That is not realistic anyway, but I kind of feel like I have to try.  

I know  I cannot be in both places at once, but I want to be.    I know I cannot do everything, but I want to.  I know there will be other events (for both the gays and the kids), and I don't have to go to all of them, but I want to.

"Do whatever you want and then be happy with it.  I make my decision and I am OK with it.  You get sad."  T told me this morning.  He is right.  I wish I could be more like him in this regard.  He makes his choice, sticks to it, and lives with the consequences, even if they are difficult.    He does not agonize over the possibilities and he does not bemoan the outcome.   He is decisive.   I REALLY admire that about him.  It's probably why he has been successful in his business dealings.

I want to be more like that.  It's just my brain is not quite wired that way.  I need to fix that.  It might be why I have trouble sleeping.  But that is a whole different blog post.

For tonight I am still not sure what to do.  It has been cloudy all day.  Maybe I'll get lucky and the fireworks will get rained out and postponed.  Then I really could do both.  

T's Big Gay BBQ

T's straight sister has a lot of gay friends.  I mean a lot.  

I think it all started with a private Spanish class she was taking.   I have met a lot of them at T's house over the past several months.  Most all of them are partnered or married.    There is one of the group who is single, then there is me and T.  I think many of them think that T and I are partners.   When I make conversation I sometimes to refer to events that have happened in the past to us, so it is clear that we have know each other a long time.  I would not be surprised if one or more of these guys asked T's sister what the story is with the fat white guy.

Last weekend T had a BBQ at his house.  I have attended these types of events many times in the past, but usually they include his family.  All his siblings, their spouses and children, in addition to a selection of friends.  I have even brought my kids to some of these events over the years.  But not last weekend.  This was a big gay BBQ.  Aside from T's sister, there were no straight people there.

It was a nice time and T is encouraging me to get to know these people as much as possible.  Even though they are partnered, they might have single friends.  It's possible, but I am not holding my breath for the possibility of getting "fixed up".  I am mostly going because I like to be around people (gay people in particular).  I also like being around T, not to mention there is always a ton of good food.  (Really, there is always a TON of food.)

After the dinner, I set up a fire out back in his fire-pit and the group of homos sat around the fire and talked about stuff.  

Being introverted and shy around new people, I was pretty good about engaging with the everyone around the fire.  I listened and talked when I had something to add.  One of the couples, a married couple from Columbia, suggested I should meet up with them sometime and hang out.  They live not too far from me, in a northern suburb of Charlotte, while T and most of the others live to the south.

I thought that invite was a good thing.  All these guys seem to have a pre-existing friendship.  I am not sure how they all know each other, but it's clear they do.   These kinds of groups are hard to break into.  They are always friendly on the surface, but only when fate or other forces put me in the same place as them.    It was just like the people at bowling a few years back and kickball this past spring.  Everyone already knows everyone else and while polite, they are not much interested in getting to know anyone new.  

I am taking a business trip to England next week for about a week and a half.  When I get back, I will look up the Colombian couple and see what happens.

Trip to the Beach

His and His shoes on the beach.

It has been a while since I had the ambition to write much.  Not a lot has happened, but on the other had a lot has happened.  

First let's talk about the trip to the beach.  (The pictures in this post were all taken by me on this trip)

I HAD A TOTALLY AWESOME TIME AT THE BEACH WITH T AND THIS FAMILY.  

It really was just perfect.  The house they rented was just right the number of people who were there for the short time we were there.  It was about a 5 minute walk to the ocean side of the island and the spectacular beach.  The weather was absolutely perfect.  No rain.  Plenty of sea breezes and just the right amount of sun.  We truly could not have asked for better weather. 

This is a place with a lot of cottages and large houses.  Most of them are for rent to people who want to take a vacation there.  There are no high rise hotels like you might find at Myrtle Beach or Miami.  As a result, I think even if all the houses were full, there would not be enough people to fill the beach.  There just are not enough people staying there to fill up the sand.

We left to go there on a Friday after T finished working.  We drove almost 6 hours to get out there.  By the time we reached the house, it was about 2am on Saturday morning.  Most everyone was ready for bed.  Not me.  I wanted to see the ocean and the surf.  I just wanted to be able to hear the surf before going to bed.   Even though he was tired, he walked down to the beach with me.  We spend about 5 or 10 minutes in the sand before heading back.

The next day we (me, T, and his family) drove all over the place.  We saw lighthouses and other attractions.  We climbed up one of the lighthouses and it was just amazing.  

We had lunch at a seaside diner that had good seafood.  After lunch we drove around some more, saw more sights and took more pictures. 

Later that evening, just about sunset, we had dinner at the wonderful seaside restaurant.  This place had a wonderful outside dining area right on the water's edge with a long pier stretching out into the water.   I took several pictures of the sunset that I'll post here.

Sunset

T and I walked out on the pier an tried to take a selfie of us with the sun setting behind us.  They did come out very well, but a woman at a near by table came over ans offered to take the pictures for us.  I thought that was nice.  It always made be smile because this woman was a lot like K.  Where ever we travel, K always offers to take pictures of gay couples trying to take selfies.   I think she just likes helping out the gays.  These pictures came out really good too but T won't let me post his picture on the blog so you will just have to imagine.

The next morning T and I got up early to see the sunrise.  I really wanted to go and T was going only because I begged him to come with me.  With the perfect weather, the sunrise was totally stunning.  One of the most beautiful I have seen in a long time.  I think that T was not prepared for how beautiful it was.  Recently he got a new phone and until that morning, I don't think he had used the camera.  He took over 250 pictured of he sunrise.

Just before the sun broke the horizon.

New day has begun

My footprints are the barefoot ones.  T was wearing his flip-flops

We walked on the nearly empty beach for about a two hours (sometimes even holding hands).  It was wonderful.

Later that morning, T and his mother and sister were going shopping.  i was invited, but I elected to stay behind.  I returned to the beach.  By this time it was about 10:30am.  People were jogging up and down the beach.  People were fishing into the surf.  There was not a crowd at the beach by any means.  It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, and beach has people on it, but the were so few, it was easy to find a spot with no one else.  It was nice to just sit, watch the surf and think.

I know someone will be wondering about the sleeping arrangements.  T and I slept on the couches in the little living room.  These were non-pull out couches and we did not try to sleep in one together.

At the end of the trip, T and I are not boyfriends.  We did not get back together.  If fact the romantic part of our relationship may have drifted further apart.  Having said that, I also think our friendship grew stronger.  A little more we have let go of Me and T the couple and embraced Me and T best friends forever.  

I will always love him, just as he will always love me.

The Cruise and The Beach

K and AJ are on a cruise this week.  They left on Saturday and they will be back next Saturday.  That means that I have the kids all week by myself.  The kids have a lot of stuff going on this week, which is stressing me out.  

I want to go on a cruise, but I have no one to go with.  It's too expensive to go alone and I don't think I would have fun alone anyway.  

T might go with me...... if he was not working so much.  Maybe in a few years when he gets his business sorted out we can take a short one.  K and the kids would go with me.  While that might be fun, it's not the romantic getaway that I am hoping for.

So, rather than thinking too much about it, I have started to think about the trip to the beach with T and his family.  They have booked a house that is not on the beach, but is very close to it.  I am very excited.   I love the beach.  I can walk the beach for hours.  I can sit in the sand and listen to the surf for hours.   I don't know what the sight seeing plan for the weekend is, but I know at night, I will walk to the beach and listen to the surf.  I am hoping T will want to come with me.   I would really love it if he did.

I will also get up one morning and be on the beach for sunrise.   There is nothing like seeing the sun come up over the ocean.  Maybe T will come with me for that too.

I know that T and I will not emerge from this trip boyfriends.  As much as my heart wants that, my mind knows that it will not work out.  T does too.  To have him again would mean I would have to give up some of the most important things that I want out of my gay life.  I would have to give up having a real partner.  I would have to give up getting married again.  I would have to give up sleeping next to the man I love every night.  

But for now, I am going to push that all to the side.  I am going to look forward to this trip.  I am going to treasure the memories that we will build together.  I am going to have a good time.  

I am going to have my time on the beach with the surf.   

Theme Park in the Rain

Last year I took the kids to a local theme park for the day.  It was October so were not a lot of people there and the lines were all really short.  We had a GREAT time together!!  Even my 10 year old daughter went on the tallest roller-coaster in the place.  (And this place has a lot of coasters)

Since we had so much fun, it was not surprising that when spring came around they all asked to go again.  Now that all the kids are big enough to ride everything, it made sense to look at season passes.  A season pass cost about the same a 2 single day tickets, so I figured it would be worth it.  If I only go twice, I will break even on the cost of the passes.

This past Saturday I woke to a rainy day.  My son had baseball practice, which got canceled.  My daughter had football practice, which was also canceled.  Suddenly, we did not have that much to do for the day.  It was not raining that hard, more of a heavy mist.

Then I saw on Facebook one of the guys on my kickball team (Danny) was at the theme park with his boyfriend (David) and David's kids.  I have known David for a about a year and I texted him.    

Me:  Hi David.  I see you are at the Park.  How is it?

David:  It's awesome!!  There are no lines for anything.  You might want an umbrella though.

So without any advanced planing, I packed up the kids that wanted to go and we headed down the road.  Since we have the passes, I figured the worst thing that happens is it is raining too hard and we go home.  I would only be out the cost of gas.  

It turned out to be an awesome day.  It was not raining that hard, but the weather was dreary enough to keep most people at home.  There were no lines for anything!!!

About half way through the day I spotted David, Danny and the kids walking past where I was sitting.  We chatted with them for a while and then we basically merged our groups together.   We all hung out together for about an hour or so.  The whole time I was watching Danny and David.  They have only been together about 6 months, but it was clear there were in love with each other.  It was awesome seeing two guys in love with each other doing "normal" family things with each other and the kids.  It is EXACTLY what I wanted for me and T.  

When we were still boyfriends we would occasionally go out with my kids.  Usually to dinner and then a movie.  Or a movie and ice cream.  I always treasured those times, because I had my boyfriend and my kids together at the same time.  Everyone was happy and getting along well.  It was just what I wanted for myself after K and I broke up.

Watching David and Danny just being together, made me feel a little sad, but also hopeful at the same time.

Vacation and the Persistence of the Trurh

Something extraordinary happened this week.  Well, two things actually.

1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.

2. T invited me to come along.  

WOW!    

T usually works on weekends.  Well, he usually works all the time.   He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family.    One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along.  T invited me.  How cool it that?

I think it is very cool.  In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him.  Three full days, and nights.   Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care.  Just to be with him will be great.

As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend.  In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend.   My feelings for him make that difficult.  I am still in love with him and that will never change.  (More on that later)

I told K that I was going on this trip.  She was immediately irritated about it.  Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids.  Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her.  The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all.  She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on.  

She is right.  I know that.  Blog readers have told me that.  T has told me that I need to find someone else.  But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.

I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him.   I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him. 

Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef.  Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match.   Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it.  But the reality is, I did not want to.   My heart was elsewhere.

This is the persistent truth about my reality.

I can't have T, but I can't let him go.   He is important to me and I know I am important to him.  He is one of my oldest friends.  He IS my most persistent friend.   Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind.  I value him and his friendship greatly.  I love him and I never want to have him out of my life.  

Never.

A Very Gay Day

Sunday was one of the gayest days I have ever had.

I got up and met the Chef for coffee.  I had not heard from him in weeks and he texted me on Saturday.  He said he needed someone to talk to and asked if I could meet him for coffee.  Our last conversation did not leave us on the best of terms, so I asked what he wanted to talk about.    "I am having some family drama." was his reply.

I agreed to meet him at a Starbucks about half way between his house and mine.  After some small talk, he started to tell me about his drama.  Apparently his adult daughter's mother (his first ex-wife) has a new boyfriend and that is causing friction between them.  He explained the whole story and I listened patiently, sometimes asking questions.  When he was done, he asked me for my advice.  What did I think he should do?

Well I told him what I thought I would do in that situation.  We talked for a while longer, and then we said our good byes.

After that I was off to my gay kickball league.  We has a game scheduled at 1:15.  The other team was bunch of guys who always wear wigs during the game.  Some of the wigs are costume type wigs.  Bright colors and some that obviously looked like yarn rather than hair. Others looked natural and until they took them off after the game, I might not have known they were wigs.  

My team is not as crazy and we don't do crazy costumes.  But my team is REALLY gay.  Everyone is gay and everyone is very open about it.  Even though I am more reserved myself, I feel very comfortable with the group.  

In the end, we lost to the guys wearing wigs.

After that, I was off to T's sister's house.  Last Friday was T's birthday and his sister had moved into her own house.  So it was kind of like a double party.  T and his whole family were there.  The food was excellent (as it always is) and I got to see some of his family that I do not see as much as I used to.  Best of all I got to see T.  We did not have a chance to spend a lot of time together, because he was busy entertaining his other guests.  I understand that, I was just happy to see him. 

So it was a big gay day.  It was a lot of fun and I got to see my love, even if it was just watching him be a good host.  

I need to meet up with him this week and take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday.