So it it has been about a month. I suspect that most of you were thinking that this current break up had gone on long enough. I mean really, with as much as T and I love each other, and we do, how long could we stay apart?
How long could we go through the motions of reviving our ManHunt profiles and browsing through the pictures of strange men that will make all of our dreams come true.
Why would we need to do that, when we have all the love we need for each other right here, staring each other in the face. T will work on standing up for himself to his family and putting me first more. I will try to be more patient. He will push the envelope more and I will remember that his family harmony is important to him. We are so happy and comfortable when we are together, it's just inconceivable that we cannot find a way to make it together as a couple.
But we can't.
None of that stuff happened.
T told his mom, we broke up after more than 5 years together. She shrugged and never said another word about it. No one in the family he was so worried about upsetting, seems to notice or care that his relationship has been dissolved. T and I continue to talk often. He has made no mention he would be willing or able to change anything about this family situation to save our relationship. I remain unwilling to stand at the end of the line for his attention with almost no hope of us ever being truly together as partners.
T revived his old profiles on Adam4Adam and ManHunt, using the same picture that caught my eye more than 5 years ago. He is getting a lot of people writing to him. He answers some. He almost met someone for lunch last week, but changed his mind and had lunch with his family instead. He says he really does not want to meet anyone now. I'm sure that part of that is because of his feeling for me. The rest is a fear that he will be come attached to someone else and fall into the same trap with that person he fell into with me.
I have been resistant to post any profiles anywhere. I just didn't want to. My mind knows I should move on, but my heart is so in love still. K thinks I should do something to meet new people. T pushed me to put a profile out there. He things if I meet someone nice I will be happier. If I find someone to live with me. (yeah, I know. He still does not really get it...)
Eventually I did it. I made up a fake profile on Adam4Adam last week just to look around. That site is such a meat market. It's not a whole lot better than Craigslist for the most part. But it's free. And T has be convinced that generally the same people are posted in both places anyway, so why not start there. I did not post a picture, but I use my honest stats. Some people wrote to me. A couple of hot young guys who turned out to be prostitutes. An older (by "older" I mean my age) gay guy who was cheating on his partner and wanted something on the side. And two "Bi Curious" guys cheating on their wives. NO NO NO. UGH!!!
A couple of married guys wrote to T. Since he is not looking for a partner, I thought that might work for him. But I don't want to be the guy on the side.
Yesterday, I took a bunch of pictures of myself, posted a real profile, and deleted the old one. We'll see what happens. T helped me pick a good picture and suggested good wording for my description. It was surreal really. (...and too depressing for words...)
I did get one person who wrote to me from the the old fake profile who I told I was moving to a new one. He is about my age and based on the limited email conversations, he seems nice enough. I may be meeting him tomorrow after work for a drink. Possibly dinner. T seems to thinks I am going to have have sex with him. T may just be teasing me, but I'm not sure.
The last time we broke up and I went on a date (I wrote about it here) I remember it didn't go that well. It was not horrible, but not great. The likelihood I will jump into the sack with anyone is pretty low. That is even making the assumption that I even like this guy when I meet him in person. He could turn out to be a jerk. Or maybe he is a nice guy that I am just not interested in. Or maybe I will like him, but not be interested in dating him. Either way, I am not going to fall for the first guy who is nice to me or is physically attractive.
The bottom line is T and I are NOT back together. Every day that passes it become more clear that we are not going to be. Not ever.
Every day my heart breaks a little more. I don't see any end.
