So it it has been about a month. I suspect that most of you were thinking that this current break up had gone on long enough. I mean really, with as much as T and I love each other, and we do, how long could we stay apart?
How long could we go through the motions of reviving our ManHunt profiles and browsing through the pictures of strange men that will make all of our dreams come true.
Why would we need to do that, when we have all the love we need for each other right here, staring each other in the face. T will work on standing up for himself to his family and putting me first more. I will try to be more patient. He will push the envelope more and I will remember that his family harmony is important to him. We are so happy and comfortable when we are together, it's just inconceivable that we cannot find a way to make it together as a couple.
But we can't.
None of that stuff happened.
T told his mom, we broke up after more than 5 years together. She shrugged and never said another word about it. No one in the family he was so worried about upsetting, seems to notice or care that his relationship has been dissolved. T and I continue to talk often. He has made no mention he would be willing or able to change anything about this family situation to save our relationship. I remain unwilling to stand at the end of the line for his attention with almost no hope of us ever being truly together as partners.
T revived his old profiles on Adam4Adam and ManHunt, using the same picture that caught my eye more than 5 years ago. He is getting a lot of people writing to him. He answers some. He almost met someone for lunch last week, but changed his mind and had lunch with his family instead. He says he really does not want to meet anyone now. I'm sure that part of that is because of his feeling for me. The rest is a fear that he will be come attached to someone else and fall into the same trap with that person he fell into with me.
I have been resistant to post any profiles anywhere. I just didn't want to. My mind knows I should move on, but my heart is so in love still. K thinks I should do something to meet new people. T pushed me to put a profile out there. He things if I meet someone nice I will be happier. If I find someone to live with me. (yeah, I know. He still does not really get it...)
Eventually I did it. I made up a fake profile on Adam4Adam last week just to look around. That site is such a meat market. It's not a whole lot better than Craigslist for the most part. But it's free. And T has be convinced that generally the same people are posted in both places anyway, so why not start there. I did not post a picture, but I use my honest stats. Some people wrote to me. A couple of hot young guys who turned out to be prostitutes. An older (by "older" I mean my age) gay guy who was cheating on his partner and wanted something on the side. And two "Bi Curious" guys cheating on their wives. NO NO NO. UGH!!!
A couple of married guys wrote to T. Since he is not looking for a partner, I thought that might work for him. But I don't want to be the guy on the side.
Yesterday, I took a bunch of pictures of myself, posted a real profile, and deleted the old one. We'll see what happens. T helped me pick a good picture and suggested good wording for my description. It was surreal really. (...and too depressing for words...)
I did get one person who wrote to me from the the old fake profile who I told I was moving to a new one. He is about my age and based on the limited email conversations, he seems nice enough. I may be meeting him tomorrow after work for a drink. Possibly dinner. T seems to thinks I am going to have have sex with him. T may just be teasing me, but I'm not sure.
The last time we broke up and I went on a date (I wrote about it here) I remember it didn't go that well. It was not horrible, but not great. The likelihood I will jump into the sack with anyone is pretty low. That is even making the assumption that I even like this guy when I meet him in person. He could turn out to be a jerk. Or maybe he is a nice guy that I am just not interested in. Or maybe I will like him, but not be interested in dating him. Either way, I am not going to fall for the first guy who is nice to me or is physically attractive.
The bottom line is T and I are NOT back together. Every day that passes it become more clear that we are not going to be. Not ever.
Every day my heart breaks a little more. I don't see any end.
8 comments:
Oh man, Jim, that was cruel to us. I thought "finally" and then...bam...Guys, I want to slap you both. Don't you get it? You can't just slip from lovers to friends. You aren't even willing to invest emotions into someone else because all your heart is still with T (sorry, sounds sappy but seriously, can you even imagine kissing someone else?) And as long as you two have contact, talk to each other etc. it will take much longer, will hurt so much more to break this connection. I don't want to see either of you hurt. I got to like you both a lot from your blogs. But your relationship didn't work. Friendship might work...in a year or two, but seriously not now.
And as long as you are so hurt, search your comfort somewhere else, try to be happy with yourself. Go bowling once a week, try a new gym, help at a dog shelter...do something not dating related because you are not up to that.
Hugs
“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
“In the track of fear we have so many conditions, expectations, and obligations that we create a lot of rules just to protect ourselves against emotional pain, when the truth is that there shouldn't be any rules. These rules affect the quality of the channels of communication between us, because when we are afraid, we lie. If you have the expectation that I have to be a certain way, then I feel the obligation to be that way.The truth is I am bot what you want me to be. When I am honest and I am what I am, you are already hurt, you are mad. Then I lie to you, because I'm afraid of your judgment. I am afraid you are going to blame me, find me guilty, and punish me.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship --Toltec Wisdom Book
“Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and you deny there are things you don't like about that person. You lie to yourself just to make yourself right. Then you make assumptions, and one of the assumptions is "My love will change this person." But this is not true. Your love will not change anybody. If others change, it's because they want to change, not because you can change them. Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before, only now it is amplified by your emotional poison. Now you have to justify your emotional pain and blame them for your choices.”
― Miguel Ruiz
I've been reading your blog on and off for a few years, and like the first commenter, I hoped for a different outcome. Mostly because I went through it for myself with my first partner of 17 years.
If you can't take ALL of a person just the way he is right now, walk away. You won't change him, and he won't change you.
Accept everything with a loving heart, or you will be miserable.
Let him be free to find the perfect love as YOU are also free to find it.
Cheers, blessings.
-j
I agree with the previous posts. Staying in touch with T is just going to make parting that much more painful. Agree to chat 6 months from now but otherwise have no contact. Agree not to look at or reply to your respective blogs. If you should meet then do not talk about your love life. Ask about each others families and friends, and shared interests.
Last summer I attended the wedding of a couple of gay friends. They met through Match.com. At the end of their first date they both admitted that their time together was just right. They agreed not to date anyone else there and then because each knew that he was talking to his future husband. No sex. No mad romantic gesture. They just knew after from a day spent together and the conversation that they were having.
I know of far too many people, gay & straight, who found their spouses on Match.com. Give it a try.
Dating is difficult. One meets lots of duds before Mr. Right walks into one's life but be persistent, he is out there.
Best thoughts for both of you.
Sad.
Best wishes Jim.
Jim:
:( I'm sad for you, but I understand both of your struggles. good luck.
For a minute there I thought I was right.....give it time.
New blog btw
http://ijustwannabehappy2.blogspot.com/
Sorry to hear that. You guys were my inspiration.
How are you doing? I worry. Hugs
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