Part of the reason that K and I had a slow motion divorce is that I don't like to burn bridges. Relationships with people are important to me and I look for ways to preserve those relationships as much as I can. I look for opportunities for compromises that can make things better. I want things to be better. Over the couple of months since T and I broke up (as been 2 months already?) we have been talking a lot. We have seen each other a few times. I am not "over" him at all. I love him just as much now as I ever have. During this time we talk often about things including how our relationship went wrong. These talks (re-hashings) often end up with me beating him up about how keeping is mother happy is more important to him than keeping me happy. In the end we are both upset. One conversation last week we were both feeling lonely and we both agreed that sometimes we both wish things could go back to the way they were. But we also both knew that it would only be a matter of time before we were right back here. He made me an offer to spend more time with me. I asked about push back from his mother. He said he could handle it. I was surprised to find myself thinking about it. Let's talk about it in person, I told him. Last week we got together for dinner and a movie. We had not discussed that conversation in the intervening time, but I had been thinking. His offer was not perfect. I was not everything I wanted, but it was the best he could do. I decided it was worth talking about. I knew my feelings for him were not fading. Maybe it could work. Maybe... Maybe this was the opportunity to restore the relationship that I was looking for. I am not going to get into the specifics to what happened that night. I am not going to invade his privacy that way. All I will say is my hopefulness turned into heartbreak. By the end of the night, it was clear that his fear was stronger than I have ever seen it in the entire time I have known him. It was clear that what is important to him and what is important to me is incompatible.
It was clear that a reunion was not going to happen. It was clear it was over. As I drove away I knew the last hope of T and I spending our lives together evaporated. Sorry Rob. You missed the call this time. I think we will be able to be friends. I think in the back of our minds we always thought that we would come back to each other, we never really thought about moving on. Now we have to. Well, now I have to. I guess I have to let him do his moving on, on his own now. (My chest got tight when I typed that...) ----------------------------------------------------------
In other news, I have a "date" tonight. Both T and I have been trolling around some of the online sites where men meet. I have been using AdamAdam (which is a meat market but it's free). T has been using that and ManHunt. He tells me they have the same people on both sites, so I figured I would just stay with the free one. I poke around but I don't write to many people. I don't have to many people write to me either. Most of the people on that site are looking for hook ups and my profile says I am not really looking for that, so they don't write to me. But one guy did a couple of weeks ago. He would write something, I would respond and then he would go quiet for a week. The I'd hear from him again. This week I actually spoke to him on the phone and we agreed to meet tonight. T keeps asking me if I am "excited" to meet him. I am not. I want to meet him. I am hopeful I am going to make a new friend, but I am not thinking beyond that. It's also possible I may not like him or he may not like me. So I am also preparing myself for rejection. sigh.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet. I believe, in good faith, that they are either public domain, or my non-commercial use falls under fair use guidelines. If, however, you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it, please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible