Saturday, October 26, 2013

Almost... But Now.... It's Done...

Part of the reason that K and I had a slow motion divorce is that I don't like to burn bridges.  Relationships with people are important to me and I look for ways to preserve those relationships as much as I can.  I look for opportunities for compromises that can make things better.  I want things to be better.

Over the couple of months since T and I broke up (as been 2 months already?) we have been talking a lot.  We have seen each other a few times.  I am not "over"  him at all.  I love him just as much now as I ever have.  During this time we talk often about things including how our relationship went wrong.    These talks (re-hashings) often end up with me beating him up about how keeping is mother happy is more important to him than keeping me happy. In the end we are both upset.

One conversation last week we were both feeling lonely and we both agreed that sometimes we both wish things could go back to the way they were.  But we also both knew that it would only be a matter of time before we were right back here.  

He made me an offer to spend more time with me. 

I asked about push back from his mother.

He said he could handle it.

I was surprised to find myself thinking about it.  Let's talk about it in person, I told him.  

Last week we got together for dinner and a movie. We had not discussed that conversation in the intervening time, but I had been thinking.  His offer was not perfect.  I was not everything I wanted, but it was the best he could do.  I decided it was worth talking about.  I knew my feelings for him were not fading.   

Maybe it could work.  Maybe... Maybe this was the opportunity to restore the relationship that I was looking for. 

I am not going to get into the specifics to what happened that night.  I am not going to invade his privacy that way.  All I will say is my hopefulness turned into heartbreak.  By the end of the night, it was clear that his fear was stronger than I have ever seen it in the entire time I have known him.  It was clear that what is important to him and what is important to me is incompatible.  

It was clear that a reunion was not going to happen.  It was clear it was over.  As I drove away I knew the last hope of T and I spending our lives together evaporated.

Sorry Rob.  You missed the call this time.

I think we will be able to be friends.  I think in the back of our minds we always thought that we would come back to each other, we never really thought about moving on.  Now we have to. Well, now I have to.   I guess I have to let him do his moving on, on his own now.  (My chest got tight when I typed that...)


In other news,  I have a "date" tonight.

Both T and I have been trolling around some of the online sites where men meet.  I have been using AdamAdam (which is a meat market but it's free).  T has been using that and ManHunt. He tells me they have the same people on both sites, so I figured I would just stay with the free one.

I poke around but I don't write to many people.  I don't have to many people write to me either.  Most of the people on that site are looking for hook ups and my profile says I am not really looking for that, so they don't write to me.  

But one guy did a couple of weeks ago.  He would write something,  I would respond and then he would go quiet for a week.  The I'd hear from him again.  

This week I actually spoke to him on the phone and we agreed to meet tonight.

T keeps asking me if I am "excited" to meet him.  I am not.  I want to meet him.  I am hopeful I am going to make a new friend, but I am not thinking beyond that.  It's also possible I may not like him or he may not like me.  So I am also preparing myself for rejection.



Sunne said...

Oh Jim, you two really make me cry. I know you want to understand, to not burn your bridges with T. And probably it's the same for T. But only your brain understands that there is no turning back (and even that had needed a another reminder). But your heart doesn't know, you write yourself that you still love T.
I don't want to hurt any of you with this comment but you would be the first person in my whole life who'd be able to end a relationsship and start something new as long as the "old love" and the feelings for this person are still around.
For your own benefit - and it'll probably be very hard in the beginning, worse than now - stop seeing each other. Yes, T, you, too. By trying to stay in contact as friends you are hurting each other constantly. It's like a scab, it'll never heal because you scratch it open every single time. T, you are a doctor, you should know.

I close with a saying (duh...sometimes there is truth in those), which I have translated from German, I don't know the English equivalent: Better a stressful end than distress without end.

Hugs to both of you. I'm so very sorry.

RB said...

As I was reading the beginning of this post I was thinking, "Haha, I'm going to be able to say 'I told you so.'" Alas, it appears it's not to be....yet.

Dating as a gay man over 40 is difficult. I think most guys are hoping for a 25 yo stud who wants to date a mature guy. Have you tried OKCupid? Also free.

I don't understand why T cannot buy another house close by to his parents. The new place would be for you and T, and he would not be far from his parents. Every decent parent wants their kids to be happy. Living with your parents at age 40-something is healthy? I don't think so. I understand there is a strong bond between adult child and parent in the Asian culture, but NONE of my adult Asian friends live with their parents. Even if T finds someone else on Manhunt, they are going to accept this situation? You've been more than reasonable, T needs to bend a little and enter a compromise situation with you.

I'm sad about the way this is turning out.

TwoLives said...

Sunne makes a good point. Maybe you should take an extended break from contact with T. That will give you time to heal.

You're going to have an extremely difficult time getting interested in someone else if you still feel intimately connected with T. Think about how your relationship with K has evolved. It's not the same as it once was. If you and T cannot be together then your relationship will also need to evolve. That will happen eventually but it could take years. The end result will be the same, the difference is the path you take to get there and how long it takes.

T said...

To RB,
The house next door to mine costs $2,000,000. And, I am not going to date anyone in the near future. I know what I can give or not give, and I always tell that to the person who's interested in me from the first day I meet him. RB, has anyone you have ever dated told you from the first day you met about his situation? No, they just left you. I don't expect anyone to accept my situation. Having that, I feel sick to the stomach that I am hurting Jim. As to being healthy, is any one of us healthy? Not from what I've been reading in the blogs.
As far as Jim and I are concerned, there're reasons why we love each other very much. I am such a coward to not set myself free so that I could live with Jim. I have my reasons. Even Jim can't totally understand; how could anyone else?
Anyways, I will always love Jim and support whatever decision he makes.
As for now, I have no interest in dating or seeing anyone. I don't know why I even bother going on those dating/hooking up sites. I always do when I am single. I guess it's a habit. Maybe, It's a little comforting to know people still like to meet me. Whatever it is, I have no interests in seeing anyone or even talk to anyone. I love looking at the picture Jim posted on his profile.
Ultimately, I don't want to hurt more people like I did Jim. I am very sad.

RB said...

Ok, so how about on the next street? Anything affordable over there?

"I have my reasons." That's fair. You've thought about it and made a choice. It's your life and 1000% your choice. I respect that it's your choice.

Is it sad? Yes, because it seems like Jim is the love of your life. Once this opportunity passes another one might not come along so soon.

Looking at this from the outside, and I understand that's all it is, this seems so simple to solve. A house within 1/2 mile of your parents for you and Jim to make a home.

I wonder of your parents are watching "Failure to Launch" and grumbling "The kid os 40 years old!! When is T going to get the f--- out of here and get his own place!!"

T said...

The house is mine, RB.
You were not wrong. It's just the way you said it. It's not about buying another house.

Sunne said...

This whole situation has already been discussed by Jim and T and of course us commentators the last time they broke up and while I still want to slap both and tell them to get their stuff sorted because they are obviously so much in love with each other that it hurts and to not sacrifice their happiness to someone else who should by all means have exactly happiness as main goal for them, we aren’t them and we don’t know everything and can’t do anything but to try to help to cope with the situation, even if it’s just with a few consoling words.

It’s obvious that both Jim and T suffer. And this is only my opinion but as long as you still see each other, talk to each other, you’ll never be open to someone new. T, you are not looking for someone but you wrote yourself you want Jim to find happiness. I know how this is possible but – well, you know you can’t so you both broke up (still makes me cry). You wanted to “set Jim free to find someone new”. But – love can’t be stopped on command. And definitely not when you still see each other. Just saying “is any one of us healthy?” doesn’t justify running into a knife on regular basis.

So I’m asking you both: “Why do you still see each other and talk?” Ask yourself and don’t answer with “we still want to be friends”. This is the easy answer that doesn’t count because I have friends I haven’t seen or talked to for months (ups some even more than a year) but the moment we talk or meet everything is still like we’ve never been apart. So people can be friends despite not having contact for a long time. I do have my suspicions to what your answers will be but I don’t want to assume.

I seriously hope you two will find a less hurtful way to cope with all this. Hugs.