Saturday, October 4, 2014

Birthday Depression

Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, I have not really been around much. Part of the reason I have not been writing much, is that I used to write on my computer at home. When I am at K’s house with the kids or someplace else, I usually have my phone or my tablet, but I rarely have the computer. Touch screens are not great for writing, so I have not written much. When the blog started I used to write almost every day. After any while, it seems like a lot has happened and I would need to write a lot to get everyone caught up.

I think it might be time to revive the blog and see what happens.

And yes, today is my birthday.

To get you caught up:

I gave the Chef another chance. There was a part of him I really liked and he was interested in me (which in itself is attractive) so I tried to see if we could make a go of it. It was going pretty good most of the time.

I took a trip with the kids in August to back to where I grew up. We spend a five days in the woods and off the grid. We had campfire, a lake, kayaks and fishing. We all loved it and had a great time. The we spent some time with K’s family. That was OK too. Kids had some cousin time and I chilled out. My in-laws are nice to me even though I am no longer married to their daughter.

Ten days after returning from vacation, I had to take an 11 day trip to England for work. It was short notice and a lot trip. Some friend took we into the London to see the tourist sights in the day time. By night we went to the gay bars in Soho. That was a lot of fun, though I would not want to do that all the time. That evening is worthy of a separate blog entry of it’s own.

While I was in England the Chef felt neglected. He felt like I was being selfish for not staying in touch with him enough. He said a lot of other nasty stuff and at that point I was done with him. We fought and broke up forever over text message while I was 3,500 miles away. I really felt he burned the bridge so badly, I was not even interested in being his friend anymore.

I met a guy 2 weeks ago on We actually had 3 dates, but I think that is as far as we will go. He was nice and really easy to talk to. After the 3rd date, this past Monday, He has kind of gone silent. I reached out a with some test messages, and got one or two word replies. Yeah, I can take a hint.

All the time I have been keeping up with T. While I still love him the same, I no longer have the longing for him that I had for so long. I would still love to be with him again, but I have accepted that it is not to be.

Which brings me to today. I turn 46 today and I am not really in the mood to be celebrating. In fact the whole thing is pretty depressing. Yes, I have and good job and great kids and I'm grateful for that. I really am. But at the same time I hate being alone. I hate there is no one who cares for me and no one I can care for.

Its wearing on me and I don't like it.


Anonymous said...

Jim, I know that this might not make sense to you and I have to write it. In life there are times when one needs to be alone, to find out who one is and to become more comfortable in one's own skin. Sometimes longing for a relationship is really about being afraid of oneself or not feeling one's own self-worth and hoping to find it from another person. Healthy people shy away from someone like that.

In my own adult life, I spent five years without dating much and celibate. It took me that long to get over a previous relationship, find myself and define my life goals, date, and find the one person I could imagine spending my life with.

Give yourself some time to heal. Find the self-confidence that you so badly need so you will not find yourself again smitten with someone who cannot commit to you.

On your birthday, instead of looking at the one negative in your life, look to the positive. You have great kids. You are out of the closet. You have a job that takes you to England occasionally. You are sort of physically healthy. You are still a loving person. Eventually, someone will meet you and you will be ready for him and he will see the good things in you. Yes, still work on finding a relationship and enjoy the life that you have and recognize the inner work that you still have to do.

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Jim. I know this will most probably not mean anything to you because I know the only one who can help you out of your depression right now is T, unless you meet someone new who is as interested in you as you are in him. Time is a great healer. That's all I can say for now. Stay strong buddy.

tuls said...

Happy birthday Jim :) My bestie is fighting with end stage cancer at the age of 22. I don't think anyone could understand loneliness as much as he does. The stares he get, the feeling of knowing that there is no cure kills you, half of the year he spends in it hospitals, travelling from country to country just to go for treatments, with that he lost his social life, his work life, his love life, his time, his friends, everything. No one understands his pain, his desires, how he feels and all. You are 46 and still going, life is a rollercoaster, there are ups and downs in life, just be grateful that you have tomorrow to look to, be a little more optimistic that there are better days ahead! :) God bless.

Anonymous said...

hi - i feel for you but take each dating experience as a stepping stone to what you really want .Sure it is not there at the moment but each experience will guide you to want you really want in life. Its hard but time to oneself is good as it shows that your are not needy (AKA the Chef )

Anonymous said...

hi - i feel for you but take each dating experience as a stepping stone to what you really want .Sure it is not there at the moment but each experience will guide you to want you really want in life. Its hard but time to oneself is good as it shows that your are not needy (AKA the Chef )

Hetero-Challenged said...

heh, Oct 4th is bday too, and I think we had pretty similar thoughts/emotions.