Thursday, August 9, 2012

Lonely at Home

I got home from my trip Tuesday, but I will not be seeing T any time soon.  Yes, he is totally swamped at work.  He thought he had hired some help, but he had to fire the guy after 4 days because he was not a knowledgeable in real life as he was in the interview.   He worked late tonight, (well past 8:30pm) so I didn't think I could get to him tonight, but I was hoping for tomorrow.

He has to have a root canal tomorrow and I know he won't be in the mood to do much after that.   I wanted to come and just be with him.  I know he will have to work while I am there, but just being there with him is nice.  But that is not going to happen.

He has company visiting.  He told me who, but I can't remember.  It is a relative or family from Vietnam, but since this person does not know T is gay, I am not welcome at his house while his company is there.  For me to come would cause stress for his mother.  Despite increasing the loneliness and hurt I will feel, it is more important to him that he not upset his mother's apple cart. If he has to disappoint one of us, I am always the one that gets thrown under the bus  (I know this sounds shitty, but I am really hurt tonight and I feel really shitty.)

His sister is having a birthday part on Saturday.  I am not sure if I am still invited to that or not.    If I am and I do go, I don't know who I will be.  Maybe her friend?  Certainly not the target of one man's love.  Even if I am invited, I am not sure that I will go.

I will get to see him next Wednesday.  He has promised to come to my house and stay the night.  Of course I am delighted he is coming, but it's 7 days away.  I did not see him before I left for my trip because I was so sick, and then I was gone for 11 days.  Now I have to wait another 7 days to hold the man I love.  That's almost a month since I have been held by the man I love.

I am lonely.

I am sad.

I am heartbroken.


Paul said...

That's really tough. You come back from a trip and then can't be with your man for another week. But you know that is the way it is with T and neither you or he can change it. So please cut him some slack and don't make him feel any guiltier or sadder than I'm sure he already feels.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and lonely.
Sending hugs.

Whatever said...

Everything feels worse when you're down :) Hope you two get to spend quality time together soon. Until then, might be best to keep your mind off it and do things you enjoy, catch up with friends. Chin up :)

Biki said...

Sigh, I know its terrible, terrible hard to be away from T. His mom has come a long way since you have met T, so there is hope. I dont think that T threw you under the bus, but I know it feels like it. Think of how hard it would be for her to have to field those questions.

Maybe its time for you and T to revisit your future plans? I know he is busy, I know you have kids, he has his mom. But somehow in there is a couple who loves each other, and needs to find a way to be together. mabye a move to a house that has an mother-in-law apt for the two of you to share when you dont have the kids? just a thought. keep your chin up, things will get better, yeah?