Rob over at Below the Radar wrote a posting the other day about something he calls "Life Inertia". Kind of got me thinking about my situation.
I am in a situation where I often feel like I am being swept by currents I cannot quite control and I cannot seem to break free from. And there is some stuff that I would not really want to break from, but some more flexibility would be nice.
I spend a lot of time at K's house with the kids. I must spend 70% of my non-working / sleeping time there. It's getting worse lately. K has been working more so I need to be other there more. I do value the time with the kids, there is not a lot left over for me.
When I do have time to myself, I either go see T or I sit home, alone and do nothing. By the time I get home I am so drained, I don't feel like doing anything. Even this blog has suffered over the past months. When I started I used to post most every day. Now I am lucky if I can manage to write something once a week.
I need more friends. I just can't seem to get motivated to meet anyone or invest the time in getting to know people.
In a lot of ways, my life has not changed much from when I was married. There I was carried along by the currents of married life. I was stuck in a straight marriage, pretending to be straight, and doing what was expected of me. I am doing pretty much the same thing today.
Of course, my life is better in a lot of ways. I am out and no longer hiding. I have a boyfriend who loves me. They say being divorced gives a freedom to start over. I don't think I have started over. I think I am still caught in the inertia of my old life.
What ever the "gay lifestyle" is, I don't think I am living it yet. I am not sure I ever will.
4 comments:
First of all, Happy Father's Day! You are extremely lucky to have so much contact with your children, as I do. Many, many formerly married gay guys like us become completely estranged from their children.
You may not be living a "gay lifestyle" but I'm pretty sure that you don't actually want that ... a stereotypical gay lifestyle, that is.
But you are right about the "life inertia" thing. But the only person that can really make a change in your life is you.
The basic question must be answered: "What do I want?" and then some difficult choices may have to be made to achieve that.
Not that I really know about your life but you seem to be in a situation a lot of women find themselves. You have your job, you have family obligations and your little sparse time is not really projectable and it also doesn't feel like your "own" time anyway because you can't do what you want, right? I'm not judging or anything here, just want to show you that this is a "normal" problem.
I agree with Buddy Bear that if you want to change something, you are the one to do the changes and maybe make hard descisions.
But I also have another advice: Why are you not happy with your life? You have a job, you have a boyfriend and you are still part of your kids live. Are these things you want? Yes? Then don't look at it like you are in a inertia but you are in the phase in your life where you are still part in your kids life and you are able to enjoy it. This time will end like it will end for all parents when they get older. Don't look at all you have like it slows you down but enjoy the ride you are having at the moment.
Divorce is only then a possiblity to start new if you shed your responibilities (or if your kids are old enough).
So - yes, you are the one who changes it - but what about changing your POV at it first?
Enjoy while you have it, be thankful that you have all these responibilities. It could be much worse....jobless, no contact to kids, etc.
Maybe try to get a few days of to recuperate or spend some more time outside te get fresh energy. Good luck and just try to be happy for all you have and not mope over the things you don't have ;) The attitude helps.
Overall, I'd say your life is pretty good - regardless of how gay it is or isn't.
Sure, there's aspects you'd like to improve; you seem to especially want more gay friends. If that's the case, then set a reasonable goal and work toward it.
For example, a reasonable goal is to spend one night a week doing something not-usual that will put you in contact with more gay men. What happened to gay bowling? Have you checked local meet-up groups? Local LGBT social groups? Support groups? All those things are happening in your area. You just have to seek them out and give them a try. Eventually something will click and so will the friendships that follow.
Thanks. It's good to know someone reads my blog.
I guess a lot of people feel this way. Maybe we all have unrealistic expectations of what our lives should be?
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