Love, Vision and Walking The Path

(Author's note:  When I started this I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say, but then it turned in more of a stream of consciousness.  Bear with me...)

T is starting to actually meet a few people he has met online in the real world.  So far he has not made a connection with any of them for various reasons.  He continues to look.

I have refreshed my profile on Match.com and some people are looking at it.  No one has written yet, but I have not taken any affirmative steps either.  Well, I did write to this one guy I was supposed to meet 2 years ago when T and I briefly broke up.  He did write back and I am supposed to meet him tonight.  He seems nice and we will see how it goes.  I don't really have high hopes.  

This is hard and a pain in the ass on a good day.  But something has been making it much harder for me.

I cannot help but think it's very hard to look at dating others, when you already know who your true love is.

I believe in true love.  I believe there is someone for everyone.  I believe in soul mates.  I think that I know who my true love is.  I know the person I supposed to be with.  So why am I talking to other people?

Yes, this is my heart talking.  While my brain "clicked" last week and said it was ready to move on, my heart has given my brain a big "fuck you!!"

On a separate but related topic:

A guy from my fraternity got married yesterday.  He is not someone I know well, but as many of the fraternity guys, we are all friends on Facebook.  His wedding appeared to be a large affair.  Many of his friends starting posting pictures of it last night.

This guy is a young good looking guy.  His partner (now husband) is a little older but not a lot.  He just finished law school and he is already a very busy attorney.  He goes out a lot.  He has a lot of friends and a man who ardors him.  They go on vacations together and do all kinds of things together.  He kind has the life I want (except he has no kids...yet).

But as I was looking at the pictures on Facebook I kept thinking the same thing over and over.

What good is doing all the stuff I say I want to do, if I cannot share it my the man I love?  I have (or used to have) a man who fulls my heart with love.  Even now, I cannot picture a future for myself where he is not with me.

How are these things related?  If I have a true love, maybe I can (and should) alter my vision of my future.  T is a workaholic, but he will not work forever.  He will eventually retire and have a lot of time on his hands.  He is not one of these guys who will be working as a doctor into his old age.  He has a plan to retire long before then.  Oddly enough, it will be about the time my daughter is off to college.  He will have extra time and so will I.  I won't be able to retire then, but that's okay.

The other thing I thought of, is time.  One thing the Chef showed me is what it would be like to be with someone with a LOT of extra time on his hands.  The Chef has one child who is grown and moved away.  He looks after his mother, but she is largely self sufficient despite her advanced age.  So the Chef, has a lot of time on his hands.  Once he finishes work, there is not much more for him to do.  

The Chef liked seeing me, and was often frustrated by my lack of time for him.  I was always doing something, usually with the kids.  Not that we didn't get to see each other, but it was not enough for his liking.  Today we are friends, nothing more.  I think he might like more, but I really am not interested in anything beyond friendship with him.  

As I re-enter this online dating thing, I worry I will meet someone I like and get attached, only to have him leave because I do not have enough time for him.  That was never an issue with T.

My life with T was not perfect.  There was a lot about it that did not fit into the vision I had for myself.  But maybe I am putting the cart before the horse.  Maybe I need to scrap that vision and look at what is in front of me.  Maybe I need a new vision.  Maybe I need to develop that vision WITH someone else rather then expecting someone to conform to my vision.  A couple in love develops a vision together, but the love comes first.  

Love first, vision (developed together) comes later.  

This is where I went wrong with T.  I tried to shoehorn him into my vision of what I wanted in my life.  Rather than us developing a shared vision of the future together, I tried to convince him my vision was better.  I tried to convince him he would be happy in my vision and I did not consider his vision (or at least not enough).  So rather than cooperating on our SHARED vision, I continued to bang my head against the wall with frustration when he did not conform to mine.  I was a fool.

Maybe if we had walked a shared path together, rather than me trying to pull him down my path, I would not have been so frustrated.  

We both would have been happier.

Maybe we would still be together...

...and we could have found our happiness together.

You Are Doing It Again

About 25 years ago, I was dating this girl. We dated for about a year and a half and I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We were both still in college at the time. It was over Christmas break. She was graduating in May. I had one more year to go. (I was pursuing a double major and was going to take an extra year.) Over the summer we picked a date, told our parents and started to make plans.

By the end of the summer she had gotten a job and I was heading back to school. A couple of months into the semester and stress was starting to show. I did not see it at the time, but in hindsight, the signs were there. At the end of October she went to a costume party at the home of someone she worked with. Many of her work friends would be there too. She did not invite me, but I could not have gone anyway. I did not have a car on campus so I was stuck there.

The next day she we were talking on the phone and she sounded different. I asked her about it and she told me at the party, she had hooked up with another guy. She said they just kissed, but I never really believed that. She broke up with me there on the phone.

I was devastated. Totally did not see that coming. I simply could not imagine that was happening to me. I tried (and failed) to save the relationship. She agreed we could remain friends and that made me feel better. I did not realize at the time that was just something people say. Most people don't really mean it.

It was hard to keep in contact with her but her job was a manager of a large store in my town. I would see her in there sometimes and we would chat. Sometime she would tell me she was busy and shoo me away.

The last time I saw her she was not happy to see me at all. She yelled at me in the store. She told me to leave and she didn't want to see me anymore. She was very angry.

I shouted something back at her and stormed out of the store. I was furious, but something clicked in my brain. I knew I was never going to see her again. I no longer wanted to see her. Any happy thoughts I had about her were gone. And to this day, I do not think about her with any sort of fondness (if I think about her at all). I am no longer angry but there is a complete indifference to her memory. I really do not care what happened to her after the moment I walked out of that store and I still feel that way.

The reason I am telling this story is not about her, or about how I feel about her. This was a true story and she is NOT a metaphor for T, the Chef or anyone else.

The reason for the story is the click in my brain. The epiphany I had that cleared my mind.

That happened to me again yesterday.

I have been talking to T a lot over the past couple of week. I love him desperately and I always will. (As if you didn't already know.) I want to be with him and at this moment I do not care about the other difficulties or frustrations we had. I feel so perfectly happy and safe and loved when I am in his arms and I miss that feeling with all my heart.



When we talk, he talks to me like a close friend. Like a family member. I know he loves me. He wants me to live my dreams and be happy. After the pain I put him through when we broke up, I am glad he is still talking to me. I am grateful he still cares about me and is willing to maintain a close friendship. I know he means that in his heart and its not just something he said.

Lately when I have been talking to him I would occasionally stray into talk about us being together again. About putting things back the way they were. Of course, this is not possible for many reasons. It has been eleven months since the break up and he does not want to get back together with me. He has healed the wound I caused and he has no interest in reopening it. Even if he did, he would forever be wondering when I would become frustrated and dump him again. So when I stray into that kind of talk, he would gently say, "Jim, you are doing it again."

But like a stale gag on a "Simpsons" episode I did not immediately take the hint. It would put me off for a couple of hours, maybe a day, but then I would be right back at him. He would say something nice and I would use it as an opportunity to get back into the crazy talk.

Last night was the last time. "Jim, you're doing it again."

Brain click.

Epiphany.



I knew what he meant. At that moment any hope I had of T and I ever getting back together, evaporated. He would never be my boyfriend, or my partner. No matter how much I wanted it. It was never going to happen.

Click.

He was not like that girl from so many years ago. He was not mean or angry about it. He was not abrupt. He was gentle and loving because he knew I was hurting. He knew that I was having a heart ache like I had not felt before, but he also knew he was right.

Deep down..... so did I.



I don't know what exactly I am going to do next. I think I need to take some time to find myself. I have been too long with my head up my ass and I need to get it out. I need to figure out what I want for me and then figure out how to get it.

I suppose that is the direction the blog will take for a while. Anyone who wants to come along for the ride is welcome.

-----------------------------

In other news, the Chef has apologized for the shit he said and wants to meet for coffee tomorrow.

That's a story for another day.

Welcome To Fantasy Island

Eleven months ago when I broke up with T, I was frustrated that he was not living up to my fantasy.  He was not doing the things I wanted him to do.  He was more attached to his family than he was to me and that was hard for me.

He was doing exactly what he said he would do.  What he told be from the beginning he would do.

When I broke up with him I was deeply in love him, as he was with me.  There was a magic between us when we were together and an emptiness when we were apart.  And we were apart much to much for my liking.

I kept hoping that he would live up to my fantasy.  In many ways he did.  In others he did not.

Eleven months later I am still in love with him.  It took me 6 months to even think about looking for someone else to date.  When I met someone, my feeling for him sabotaged that relationship.

 T thinks I was in love with the Chef and my old feelings for him only resurfaced when it seemed that the Chef was not going to work out.  He says I "changed".  I didn't.  It started with the first lie.

I wear this ring all the time.  I never take it off.  Not even to sleep or shower.  The Chef asked me about it.  

"What's that ring you have there?  It's nice.  Does it have any special meaning?" he asked.

"Naw. It's just something I bought online cause I liked it." was my truthful reply.  I did, in fact, buy it online and I do like it.  It was, however, what K would call, "a lie of omission."  

I knew why he was asking the question.  I knew what he wanted to know and I withheld that information.   I failed to mention that I bought not one, but 2 rings.  The second ring T wears on a chain around his neck, at least he used to.  It is not a ring I bought simply to decorate my finger.  I bought it a a symbol and a reminder of a specific love.  I continue to wear it in recognition of that love.  I never took it off the whole time I was seeing the Chef.

That was only the first lie.  There were many others, like these:

Q: You are still friends with your ex?  Do you still love him?
A: Well, I still care about him, but I don't love him anymore.  

Q: How often do you talk to him?
A: Oh... we may exchange text messages a couple times a week.  I might call him once or twice a month.

Q:  What if his situation changed and he wanted you back?  What would you do?
A:  He had his chance with me.  He could not get shit together so I am not really interested anymore.

Lies, lies, lies.

I am generally not a good liar.  I am very transparent to people who know me well.  K can spot it in 3 seconds and I am sure T would catch it just as fast.  But the Chef did not know me that well so he never knew the difference.  Except he did.  He knew deep down that even though he was into me, I was distracted.  

I know I am starting to ramble a little (it's 12:45am) but the reason I am telling this is say I know that I am the cause of my own pain and frustration.  T was honest and open.  I let my fantasy get away with me and I was upset that he did not come along on my crazy train.  Given it to do over again, I would not have broken up with him last year.  I would have remembered that our love together made the frustration worth it.

I also wanted to get out that my love for T has not changed over the past months.

There is something else.  I am kind of getting used to being alone.  I am not over powered by loneliness like I was before.  I still get lonely, and I wish for T to be with me more, but I am not in the same place I was before.  I think the 6 month I was alone before I started looking to date, probably did me some good.

All that said, T and I will not be getting back together for the simple fact that he is over me.  It took him a while, but he has come to accept we will not be together.  Once he reaches acceptance, he will not go back.

I know he loves me a lot.  I know we will always be close.  But I don't think he is "in love" with me anymore.  I think his heart is open for someone else at this point and he would not let me back in.  He would be too scared I would leave again.

I can't say I blame him.

Okay, I Heard You...

The readers have spoken. Everyone is agreed. I need to take a break from T. I need to forget about him. I need to realize that he and are are not meant for each other and be done with it. Maybe in a couple of years we can be friends, but right now I need to cut him out of my life so I can more easily get over him and focus on myself. Only then can I open my heart to someone else.

It is the obvious course of action. It is the easiest in terms of stress and pain. It will be the fastest route for me getting over him.

I don't care. I'm not going to do it.

Read back a couple of years of my blog and you will see something similar. My three year, slow motion divorce from K is all documented. Read the comments from back then. You will see there were a bunch of people advocating the Band-Aid approach. Rip it off quickly, endure the sharp pain and then it will be okay after that. Some wanted me to leave my house and get an apartment on my own. They said it was better or me and better for K and the kids. They said it would speed the healing process.

Take quick, decisive action. Just GO!!

I did not listen to them either. I prolonged the agony. I stuck with K a very long time. In many regards, I am still with her today. It has not always been easy. It was VERY painful a few years ago. If I would have taken their advice, I might have saved myself a lot of headache (and heartache).

But look at where I am today. As I write this I am sitting in my ex-wife's kitchen. I just had a very pleasant conversation with her new husband about the politics of the First Amendment. My daughter is playing x-box in the next room. M youngest son is loading the dishwasher. My older boys are off with friends, but I saw them as they were heading out the door. How many gay divorced men can say that? How many have the situation I have? How many have a key to their ex-wives new house, where she lives with her husband? How many gay divorced men are still best friends with their ex-wives? (To the point where I know she tells me things even her best girl friends don't know.)

I got to this point because I made the harder choice to stay, when others would have given up and split. I was more painful for me, and probably for her. (As a side note, by making it harder on me and her, it was MUCH, MUCH easier on the kids.)

I am not going to cut off T because I love him. I am always going to love him. I do not think I would like my life if he were not in it. Even if it was only or a year or two. While it is true he cannot do all the things I need from him as a partner, it does not change the love.



I would be lying if I did not admit that even today I frequently wonder if we could get back together. Maybe I could live with his situation because I love him so much. I remember what being with him is like. I remember how good it felt when he held me but I also how frustrated I felt when I had to drive home late at night, rather than staying the night laying next to him. I also know the pain of being separated from him.

Whether we ever get back together is not the point. The point is I am taking the long view with T. I am willing to prolong the pain for me (and maybe for him) so I can keep him in my life. I am not sure if I cut him out completely now, we would ever come back together a friends year later. We might. We probably would, but I don't know that.

In the meantime, I will probably write about it my struggles. I will probably complain some.

It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

A Total A--hole

As I write this T is on a date. It's good thing for him. He is so busy with his work that he does not get the chance to get out much. Also, because he gets a lot of hits on his profile, he's pretty selective about who he wants to meet.

It is good that he is seeing people. He has moved on from me. Actually he has moved on better than I have. I don't know if he will have any better luck with a new person, since his family situation has not changed he may run into the same issue. (It's because he is so adorable, that any new guy will fall for him as hard as I did.)

I have met a couple of guys since T and I broke up. Two of them were failed first dates and the Chef who lasted longer. Each time T was supportive of me and he encouraged me to go on each date.

Having said all that and knowing in my head this is the right thing for him to do, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I know I have no right to feel this way and if I do feel this way I need to shut the fuck up about it. (I will suggest that T not read this particular entry.) I mean honestly, did I expect him to just shut himself up in his room while I did whatever?  Of course not. He has a life to live too.

Now I know how T must have felt when I was meeting other guys. I did not give enough consideration to how he felt, which makes me an asshole.  If he felt like I do now, he never said a word.  That speaks to not only his character, but his love for me.
  

The Chef Is Out

I am not going to get into the long story as to why it did not work out, but it didn’t.  The sad part is that he was VERY into me.  He really wanted to be with me and I believe he could really see a future for us together.  I was not on the same page.

I told him I didn't think we were compatible.  He didn't agree.  He thought we just needed to get to know each other better.  I was frustrated that sometimes we seemed good together and then just minutes later, we were arguing about something.  Or something I said upset him.

We even took a weekend away together.  I thought that would help.  It made it worse.  The 5 hour drive back from that trip was very uncomfortable.

When he finally got the hint that I didn't want to go any further with him, he became very upset.  He told me the time we had together was a waste of his life (3 months) and then said, “Thanks for being so fake!”

That stung a more than little, but that’s where i cut it off.  I stopped responding to his messages.

Yesterday he reached out and apologized for saying what he said.  He informed me that he was taking a transfer with his company to another of their properties in California.  He asked me to meet him to this afternoon for coffee, one last time.  He is leaving in September.

I have been thinking over the past few weeks about why this did not work out with him.  I thought he was physically attractive.  He was nice to me and went out of this way to make time to see me.  He bought me a case of my favorite British hard cider that is not easy to get here in the states.  He had a good job, a stable lifestyle, and no more drama than anyone else.  He wanted to same things out of the relationship that I did.  What’s more he wanted them with me.  I should jumped at this.  I should bent over backwards to keep him.  

But I didn't.  Why?  

I don’t think I have to look far for the answer.