Sunday, July 13, 2014

A Total A--hole

As I write this T is on a date. It's good thing for him. He is so busy with his work that he does not get the chance to get out much. Also, because he gets a lot of hits on his profile, he's pretty selective about who he wants to meet.

It is good that he is seeing people. He has moved on from me. Actually he has moved on better than I have. I don't know if he will have any better luck with a new person, since his family situation has not changed he may run into the same issue. (It's because he is so adorable, that any new guy will fall for him as hard as I did.)

I have met a couple of guys since T and I broke up. Two of them were failed first dates and the Chef who lasted longer. Each time T was supportive of me and he encouraged me to go on each date.

Having said all that and knowing in my head this is the right thing for him to do, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I know I have no right to feel this way and if I do feel this way I need to shut the fuck up about it. (I will suggest that T not read this particular entry.) I mean honestly, did I expect him to just shut himself up in his room while I did whatever?  Of course not. He has a life to live too.

Now I know how T must have felt when I was meeting other guys. I did not give enough consideration to how he felt, which makes me an asshole.  If he felt like I do now, he never said a word.  That speaks to not only his character, but his love for me.


Sunne said...

Okay - first of all - you have all rights to feel this way. Who are you kidding? You know the moment T would tell you that his situation had changed and he'd be able to have a real realationship with you, you'd be standing at this doorstep. You and T are not together because he can/will not commit to you. (Sorry, T, you have your reasons but isn't this the truth?)

And no, you didn't expect him to become a hermit but of course you envy every guy who gets a piece of T. And even your logical brain asks you, why he dates when he can't commit.

So I can't see anything wrong with your reaction, you are human.

And just because you feel this way doesn't mean T felt the same. His situation is different. Don't feel bad for him. Actually, while I don't know it, I assume that breaking up with you has taken pressure from him. While he might miss you a lot....time heals and the relief of less stress is not to be underestimated. Additionally I think, he encouraged you to date so that he didn't feel bad about you being alone any more.

I don't think that is all to your story but I still remember the feeling of relief (despite it's a looooong time ago) when I had ended a relationship that just hadn't worked, despite I loved him so much. Sometimes that isn't enough and because I loved him I was happy when he found someone new.

Sorry, this needed to be said.

So, no need to feel sorry for T. Feel generous to yourself and do something good for you. Book a week-end trip for example. Hey, book a gay cruise ;)
Get active in liking yourself. Find out what you want to do with yourself. Being happy with yourself makes sexy, don't you know?

And...geez...I'm going to say it the last time. You and T can reconnect in a year or two but until then - stop it!

Don't you see? So far you're lying to yourself. Nothing really has changed over the months. How long do you intend to continue?

I don't want to be rude, I don't want to hurt you, I want you to go out, make friends, find yourself!!!! Don't define yourself over your relationship status. If your dreams don't come true the way you wanted, find new ones. probably won't like it but:
Stop moping over a man who does not want you.

And now...another virtual hug. I'm just so harsh because I think it's time for you to cut the ropes and face the facs.


jim said...

Thanks Sunne. While I appreciate your comments, this was not a post about moping. It was about a realization that I am not the only one that has strong feelings. It was about my lack of considerations for him, and how I felt guilty about that. I was not being sorry for him. I was feeling guilty for not appreciating his feelings.

T and I are not together because I want more from him than he feels he can give. (whether he "can" or simply won't is another discussion and not relevant to this). It has nothing to do with if he wants me or not. The issue is me not being able to accept his limitations.

I do not think there was any "relief" in our break up for him. I know it was hard on him, as it was for me.

Why is he looking to date? I guess because there are some men that may not want to have a "real" full time partner. Maybe they only want to date and that's all. T could do that and it would be the perfect relationship or him. (Less fulfilling I would argue, but I am not going there now either.) While it's true the idea of him falling in love with someone else is almost more than I can bear, it is something that will eventually happen.

It is true if his family chose to suddenly move to California and T was here by himself, I would be at his doorstep in no time.

In the meantime, we are each looking for someone new. He has another date lined up for this week. I am going to start looking around again soon.

What I am NOT going to do is, break my connection to him. I think that will be the subject of my next post.

Anonymous said...

T broke it off with you. He told you there was no way it would work between you.

And now *you* feel like an asshole -- because you *might* have made him feel bad by seeing other people? But you don't know for sure how he feels because he's never said anything?

Please examine this.

Making decisions based on what you *think* other people are thinking is crazy-making. I know - I used to be an expert at it.

You are not responsible for anyone else's story about you.

You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings -- only your own.

Realize that this is all a story that you have made up in your head -- but you believe it to be true.

Write a new story, one that includes you in it.

Make it a happy one.

Until then:
Do what you've always done,
Get what you've always gotten.

Your choice.

jim said...

Actually I broke it off with him. I told him it was never going to work. I wanted more than he could give.

Why do I care what he feels? Because I do.