Saturday, August 25, 2012

Connection Points

Peasant woman "Getting into trouble again aren't we Aladdin." 

Aladdin: "Trouble, heh you're only in trouble when you get caught" 

Palace Guard: "Gotcha" 

Aladdin: "I'm in trouble"

I was talking to a friend the other night about connections.  He and his partner who have been together a relatively short time, are getting married soon.   It is clear they are very much in love and they have an strong connection.  I told him, what they have now was only going to get better.  The connection a couple forges over time, that get stronger over time, is really something magic.  Something beautiful.  Something they cannot truly appreciate now.  And the really cool thing is, it happens almost automatically, the more time they spend together.

When K and I first moved in together, about 6 months before we for got married, we had no money.  We rented a small one bedroom apartment.  We had almost no furniture.  We could not afford cable TV and because it was an downstairs apartment.  What we has was a small TV, K used to have in her dorm, a VCR and a much of tapes.  (My younger readers can click here if they are unsure what a "VCR" is.)  One of the tapes we had, and watched a lot was Disney's "Aladdin"  If you have seen the movie, you know the scene above is pretty funny.  Between K and I, "I'm in trouble" said like the character in the movie is a thing between us, a connection point.  And it has been for nearly 20 years.

We have a thousand other connection points like this that have developed over the years.  These connection points develop when two things are present.  A lot of time past and a lot of time together.  My K and AJ do not have a lot of these yet.  My friend and his partner don't have as many as they will.  T and I don't have as many as I want for use to have.

K & AJ and my friend & his partner, have not been together long enough.  T and I have, but we have not spent enough time together.

T and I have a plan to spend the weekend together next week.  His office will be closed for Labor day.  We will get together on Saturday when he is done with work and stay together until late on Monday afternoon.  I know it's only 48 hours, but for us it's almost spending a lifetime together.  I don't know what we will do, but I don't really care as long as we are together.

He knows I have been frustrated with the amount of time I have been spending alone and I think this weekend will give us a chance to re-connect and discuss where we see our future going.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Yeah, He Told Me So

A month of so ago I wrote about how I was thinking about letting an 18 year old kid move in with me. (here)  At the time I thought it was a good idea, but T did not.  K was not thrilled when I told her either.

So here I am a month later, kicking his ass out.

I am not going to get into the list of things he did to piss me off, but if I had listened to T in the beginning I would not be here today.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

This Thing Called Love

T came as scheduled last night.  We had dinner at my house and then we went up stairs.  My roommate has been away for several days and was not there last night, so we had the house to ourselves.

It was just so nice to be together with him.  Even though I am lonely a lot of the time, when he is here with me, I forget all about that and I melt into him.  When he holds me I just forget my problems and all stresses.  There is just me and him and I am happy.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Home But Not Alone, Not Tonight Anyway.

Time is at a premium for me these days.  Having just come back from vacation, then having my middle son in the hospital for 2 days (He's fully recovered.) and then finding out about a re-org at work has been pretty stressful.  I have found out my boss's contract was not renewed.  I got along really well with him.  He was the kind of boss that tells you the goals you have to achieve and then goes away until you tell him you're done.  My new boss has a reputation as a micro-manager, but since he is based 4000 miles and 5 time zones away, I am hoping micro-managing will be difficult for him and he will just give up.  I am not a task monkey.  I am a highly, skilled professional with almost 20 years of experience in my field.  They are paying me a lot of that experience too.  If he will leave me alone, he will get the results the company wants.

But tonight I am not worried about that.  Tonight T is coming to my house.  He will come right after work, we will have dinner at my house (Yikes, what will I make???) and then he will stay the night.  

He does not come nearly enough, but I live for these all night visits.  I love having him sleeping beside me (even though for a small guy he snores like a buzz saw).  Just having him there will me makes me so happy.  We don't even have to have sex.  I mean sex is nice, but if I had to choose between having a few hours of sex and then going home, or spending all night cuddled next to him, I would take the cuddling any day of the week.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Lonely at Home

I got home from my trip Tuesday, but I will not be seeing T any time soon.  Yes, he is totally swamped at work.  He thought he had hired some help, but he had to fire the guy after 4 days because he was not a knowledgeable in real life as he was in the interview.   He worked late tonight, (well past 8:30pm) so I didn't think I could get to him tonight, but I was hoping for tomorrow.

He has to have a root canal tomorrow and I know he won't be in the mood to do much after that.   I wanted to come and just be with him.  I know he will have to work while I am there, but just being there with him is nice.  But that is not going to happen.

He has company visiting.  He told me who, but I can't remember.  It is a relative or family from Vietnam, but since this person does not know T is gay, I am not welcome at his house while his company is there.  For me to come would cause stress for his mother.  Despite increasing the loneliness and hurt I will feel, it is more important to him that he not upset his mother's apple cart. If he has to disappoint one of us, I am always the one that gets thrown under the bus  (I know this sounds shitty, but I am really hurt tonight and I feel really shitty.)

His sister is having a birthday part on Saturday.  I am not sure if I am still invited to that or not.    If I am and I do go, I don't know who I will be.  Maybe her friend?  Certainly not the target of one man's love.  Even if I am invited, I am not sure that I will go.

I will get to see him next Wednesday.  He has promised to come to my house and stay the night.  Of course I am delighted he is coming, but it's 7 days away.  I did not see him before I left for my trip because I was so sick, and then I was gone for 11 days.  Now I have to wait another 7 days to hold the man I love.  That's almost a month since I have been held by the man I love.

I am lonely.

I am sad.

I am heartbroken.

Back from the Wilderness & Lessons

Yesterday, the kids and I drove back home.  All together we logged just over 2,500 miles in 11 days, but we all had a great time.  This was my favorite view of the whole trip.  I could not get enough of being on the water on our pond in the middle of nowhere.

When ever I go to camp, I have time to think about stuff.  I often think about things differently when I am there.  Here are some observations.


The first night we were there, after I got the kids tucked into the tent, went an sat by the fire.  I was there by myself since my sister and her husband had gone to bed wit their kids.  There was an empty chair next to me.  I was missing T terribly.  I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair.  I had almost convinced myself that I could reach over and hold his hand.  But, of course, he was not there.


A kayak is a metaphor for life.  Especially if you are a child.  This trip, my daughter learned to paddle her own kayak.  She was very excited about it.  I launched mine first and my mother helped my daughter launch hers.  As she drifted away from the shore she was not sure what what to do.  She knew how to paddle, since I had taught her before with her sitting in my kayak. This time, she was on her own.  I was not far away, but the truth is I could not help her move that boat.  If that boat was going to get where she wanted it, she was going to have to do it herself.  

"Where do you want to go?" I asked her.  

She thought a moment and said, "Let's go to the dam."  There is a small dam on the southern end of the lake.

"OK.  You lead the way." I told her.  She picked up her paddle, turned her kayak around and headed south.  On the way she explored Lilly pads and and the other shallow areas on that end of the pond.  She was the captain of her little ship and she made it go where she wanted it to go.

I think it is a good lesson for life.  You need to be the captain of your little ship and if you want it to go in a certain direction, you need to make it go where you want it.