Monday, August 19, 2013

No Reason To Go Home

I have roommate.  Well, a housemate really.  Let's call him "Fred".  I rent a room in my house to this guy.  I met him randomly.   He posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a room for himself and his dog.  He is straight, older and not very attractive.  He is, however, very gay-friendly.  His dog is a beautiful 4 year old husky.  She is a little high strung but otherwise well behaved.  

He actually has a pretty good deal.  He pays a flat rent that includes everything.  My mortgage is pretty reasonable so it's a good deal for me too.  Aside from the money, it's a good deal for him, because he basically has use my whole house, except the other bedrooms.

Over the past month I have been working a lot.  Long hours at the office.  When I am at K's house, I am often working there.   When I am at home, I sometimes work in the office I have set up in the extra bedroom across the hall from mine until 1 or 2 in the morning.

The other day, I came home for about 5 minutes before heading out again.  Fred was making dinner for himself.  He was trying to make conversation as I was heading for the door.  Normally I would stop and engage him, but today I was in a hurry.

"You work too much!  You should stay home and relax more."  He said as I closed the door.

I drove away thinking about it.  Between work and keeping track of my kids, it is very common for me to leave my house at 6:30am and not return until after 9:30pm.  I guess I do work too much. 

But why not?  I mean, it's not like I have any reason to go home, right?  There's nothing there for me.  It's just a building where I keep my stuff.  There is no one home who misses me.  There is no one there who cares if I am there or not.  

There is nothing there to make it a home.


Buddy Bear said...

Would selling you house be an option, along with some of your excess "stuff?" Maybe you could get a much smaller place, even an apartment, much closer to where your kids live with K.

That way, you could have your kids over on a regular basis for weekend sleepovers, meals, homework help or whatever.

As to your relationship with T, what exactly needs to happen before he will truly commit and move in with you? At the very least, I think you deserve an honest answer on this from him.

I strongly suspect that he will NEVER move in with you until his parents are dead. You might well be seventy at that point or you may even die before them.

I would find that sort of situation intolerable. T needs to either shit or get off the pot. This business of holding you in limbo indefinitely is unfair and his highly disrespectful of you.

If he is unable to fully commit, then it's time for you to move on. There are many, many men out there who would love to be with middle-aged farts like us.

Biki Honko said...

I totally agree with Buddy Bear! You do work entirely to much, its time to schedule some fun into your weekly calendar. Join a group that meets consistently and attend every meeting. Go to and see what groups are meeting and join one or two or three. RSVP to everything they offer and then email K to let her know the dates you wont be available. And then stick to your guns and go! Don't let her bully you into not attending. Yes, you are their father, but guess what, that doesnt mean that you dont deserve a life as long as they live. Thats why babysitters were invented.

Have you given any thought to having the kids split their living time between the two of you? A week at your house, a week at hers? Your home would feel more like a home that way, and the week they are at K's house, they are her total responsiblity. You are free that week from picking up her schedule slack. No, I'm not advocating abandoning your children, you can still see them on your "off" weeks, just not be in charge of their care to help out.

Its time for you to take care you you. No one is feeding your needs and its time for it to end. You are as important as anyone else. Keep repeating it until its engrained.

T said...

This is for Buddy Bear.
First of all, if you don't know all the facts, don't shout off your stupid, slutty mouth and call me disrespectful! From the first day that I met Jim, I told him that I would not be able to live with him. AND, you don't know how much I have been trying to get to this point. And, for you, a man in his fifties who constantly bash his wife whose life was partly destroyed by YOU, who is so proud about sucking all the cocks you get, to call me disrespectful...Here is disrespect for you: FUCK YOU!!! All you are is a cheap slut seeking attention!

I apologize to all the other readers of Jim's post.

Jim knows at all times where I am coming from and that I would always put myself aside and let him get the life he deserves. I don't feel good about it either. I would totally support Jim if he would like to move on to find what he deserves. Ask Jim how far away is his house from K's and how much time he spends over there?

If I were not me, I would advise him to dump me, too. I had twice broke up with Jim over this. This time, I will let him make the decision. I now totally am not upset with people advising Jim to dump me. HOWEVER, do it with some respect.

AND, DO NOT call me disrespectful ever. You don't know me. You don't know the whole story.

jim said...

It would be disrespectful if T had been stringing me along. Promising that he would move in with me "soon" but soon never came. But it's not like that at all.

The truth is, while I have always been clear about what I wanted. He has always been clear about what he could do. I filled in the gaps myself with wishful thinking and dreams.

That's on me, not him.

T is many things, but disrespectful is not one of them.

Buddy Bear said...

I'm sorry to have caused offense to both of you. I don't know either of you and you don't know me.

But frankly, T, you're name-calling is highly inappropriate and unprofessional. It says far more about you and it does about me.

And T, don't bother commenting on this comment because I won't be following Jim's blog anymore. This drama is never going to end.

T said...

Buddy Bear,
You knew that you didn't know me, yet you called me highly disrespectful. It hurts when someone called you out, isn't it? Just re-read your blog, and you'll appreciate how nice I was to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh brother! I love how everyone not involved with this couple can interject their opinions and decide who gives enough and who doesn't.

As a casual reader who knows neither men, it's been clear to me that each of them are good men doing the best they can. Sometimes that is simply not enough.It's also been clear how very much T loves Jim. Is it enough for Jim? Seems not but it's not for lack of clarity on T's part. It also seems like the readers feel very free to inject their own values on a man whose cultural traditions are much older and have served them well over thousands of years. T's values and commitment to his family is as much a part of him as you guys' sexuality is to YOU. It makes me angry when in typical western fashion we expect someone to adopt our values when as far as I can see, we, as a society, haven't been doing too great keeping our own families together. Perhaps it's time WE took at look at other cultures and instead of trying to impose OUR way on them have some respect and appreciation for another world view.

T, I don't know you. But I do know you have tried your damnedest to both love Jim and do what your heart tells you you must. A lot of men would give their right arm for a partner who loves them and respects them. Jim needs more. He needs a partner who lives with him and is his full-time. Doesn't make Jim bad or unrealistic just as it doesn't make you bad or wrong for not being able to give that. But never ever have I heard you disrespect him. Quite the contrary, your love for him has been crystal clear.

Good luck to both of you and don't let the Ann Lander's get you down!