Saturday, August 17, 2013

Slipping Into Depression

It has been over a month since my last post. It has been hard to get motivated to write anything.

I had a great time on vacation with my kid and seeing my family.  I came back feeling energized.  Over the past few weeks, something has changed.  I have been feeling myself slipping into a depression.  I feel alone.  Isolated. I have had bad days here and there before, but this sustained melancholy is not a feeling I am used to.

I like things that make sense.  I like identifiable cause and effect.  I can't put my finger on anything that has changed significantly in my life to cause this.  

I'm taking a new medication.   I checked several sources online and none of them list depression as a side effect.  

I have been having a lot of stress at work lately.  There is more work than I can do and I have been putting in a lot of extra hours.  On the other hand, they have approved to hiring an assistant for me, which will help a lot.  Also I have talked to several people in the head office, including higher up bosses and I know that I am highly respected and everyone is happy with my work.  While I take some pride in that, there is no joy in it.   

My situation with T is unchanged.  I am still hopeful that one day he will want to live with me.   That he will suddenly come to realize his desire to be with me is stronger than his fear of any fallout and he will want us to be together like real partners, maybe even husbands.  I know deep down, it's really just wishful thinking on my part.  It's probably never going to happen.  Definitely not while his parents are alive. (They are both in excellent health for their age and I hope they stay that way.)

But this is not new.  This is status quo for us.   While it's still frustrating, why should it be bothering me more now than any other time? 

Tonight I am at K's house.  She is working over night at the hospital.  AJ is gone this weekend moving his daughter into her college apartment.  He took my older boys with him to help out.  They will be back on Monday.  It's is cold here tonight.  Not freezing cold, but cold for North Carolina in August.  It has been raining all day.  Dreary.  Miserable.  

I can hear the kids in the next room.  They are playing some online game on the X-box.  It sounds like they are having fun.  (Honestly, I am just glad they are not fighting with each other.)  I am sitting in the TV room.  The TV is off.  The lights are off.  There is light coming in from outside.  It will start to get dark soon.  I probably will not get up to turn on the lights.  But just sit here in the dark.

These are the times I wish I had T here to comfort me.  I wish he was here to hold me so I could cry and get whatever this is inside me, out.  I wish he would hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be OK and make me feel safe.  To tell me I didn't have to be alone anymore that I did not have to face whatever this is myself.

But he is not here.  He is at a wedding where he was invited to sing.  I don't know who's wedding.  A friend of his family I suppose.  He is probably there with his sister and his parents.  Honestly, I am not sure and I don't think he told me.  If he did, I don't remember.  I didn't get invited anyway, so it's doesn't really matter, does it?

He is signing for the happy couple.  He is singing in celebration of their love.

I'm sitting alone in the dark.


TwoLives said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, Jim. This post really doesn't seem like you. Even during much more difficult times you didn't write posts like this.

For that reason, and because you don't know why you're feeling this way, I suggest that you go back to your old medicine. Just on a trial basis, to see if you start to feel better. Lots of medications caused depression and just because a side effect is not disclosed doesn't mean it can't happen.

Even if the medicine is not the cause it would be good to rule it out.

Jim said...


I'll second Cameron's response. Meds are funny things and can have all sorts of side effects - I've been there with those. I'd also let your doctor know. He or she may have seen or heard about other side effects.

If the depression continues I'd seek help. I have been in that hole - it is not a nice place.

Adon said...

I think you need to get out of the dark and into the light. Sounds simplistic I know but I have found that there are certain situations where loneliness and melancholy creep over my being. I have started to recognize them and try to move to a brighter uplifting place.