If you have seen the link over to T's blog you know that once again, T and I have changed our relationship status. We are not boyfriends / partners anymore. Some of the readers on his side have had some... well.... interesting comments. T posted his perceptions of what finally caused us to be over. I feel like I need to get some thought out so I am going to put them here, in no particular order.
One of the things that K told me when we were going through our slow motion divorce, "Every choice has a consequence." She is right. Choose to leave the marriage or stay. Either choice has a consequence. I could have continued to live in the closet or come out. Either choice has a consequence.
T and I have made choices too. T has made a choice to put his family before me. It's not cultural. He has four siblings who are married. They each put their spouses first, as they should. This does not mean that T does not love me. I know that he does. It does not make him a bad guy. He is a wonderful man. It just means he made a choice and that choice has a consequence. (I will discuss this more in the next post.) If he wanted to, he could have chosen to spend more time with me. I have never asked him to abandon his family. Choosing to spend more time with me, however, would have created conflict with his mother because she would not have approved. Conflict with his mother would have upset everyone else in his house. So choosing to spend more time with me or not, is a choice. Choices have consequences.
I made a choice about what I want in my life. I liked being married. I liked that kind of a relationship. I have no interest in the "freedom" of the single life. But I also don't just want someone waiting at home for me. I want someone to do things with me. K and I did everything together. We were a couple. If ever I was seen with out her, people would ask, "Where is K?" T and I were not going to have that. We were not together enough. We were not a couple like that and it was not on the horizon. As my frustration grew with no end in sight, I made a choice that I could not continue this way forever. It was time for us to break up. That was a choice and that choice has a consequence. And here we are.
I don't know if anyone expected me to feel a weight lifting off my shoulders now that I am "free" to seek what I want with someone else. Was I supposed to feel better? I don't. Not even a little. I think in some ways I feel worse. I didn't want to be with just anyone. I wanted to be with T. I need to accept that it's just not going to happen. That's going to take some time. -------------------- In part 2, I am going to address the many comments about how much time I spend with the kids.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
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