Thursday, January 30, 2014

More Conflicting Clarity

It all seemed simple enough in the beginning.  I would come out of the closet and everything would be fine.  After all its all about being who you are, right? 

The divorce for K was painful and slow.  It was awful, but I got through it.  I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us.  I knew she deserved a man who loved the woman she is.  Of course I knew I deserved T.  The man who showed me what being IN LOVE really felt like.  Even though there was conflict, I knew what had to happen.  I knew what I had to do.  Even though I drew it out longer than it needed to be, because I was scared, I always knew K and I were not going to be able to stay married.

I had thought that T was going to be the partner I had always dreamed of.  Yes, we all know the reason why that was stupid, including the fact that he kept telling me that it was not going to happen.  But I loved him so much, I stuck with him a long time hoping he would come around.  Plus there was comfort there for me.  I knew that he loved me for me.  I knew that no matter what   Now that we have been broken up more than 5 months (yeah, it has been that long) my love for him still runs very deep.

Which brings me to my new conflict.

I have met someone via  At first I didn't think he was a real person.  I was thinking that maybe he was some kind of fake email generated by Match, so people like me would not get discouraged and ask for their money back. (as if that would do any good...).  Now I am wondering if he is too good to be true.

I have not yet met him in person, but we have spoken a few times on the phone.  We have exchanged several email and text messages.  From his messages it seems that he likes me.  I think he seems nice, but I am resistant to "like" him back.  Partly, because my feeling for T are still so strong, and so raw.

This new guy, let's call him "JC", is more than a few years younger than I am.  He has made it very clear that he wants to be in a serious partner relationship with the right man.  Oh...  That's good.  At least I know our relationship goals are compatible.  He says he has no family.  Both his parents have passed away and the only family he has mentioned is an elderly aunt who lives several states away.  While I would not wish anyone to not have a family of their own, at least I know I won't have to worry about if his mother approves of me or not.

JC has been traveling out of state this week, but I have been keeping in touch with him.  All of this seems pretty nice. So where is the Conflicting Clarity?  I don't know if JC is the right guy for me or not.  I won't know that until I meet him and get to know him more, but at least I know that his relationship goals are like mine.  It seems that his interest in me is growing.  It seems like my interest in him should be growing, but it's only making be more stressed. 

How can I think about attaching my heart to someone, when it still belongs to T?  T and I have not seen each other or weeks.  We only speak on the on the phone a couple times a week.  Even our texting is much less than it was.  

I guess I am still wishing for it to be different.


Anonymous said...

The ONLY way to move on is to break away from T, difficult as it is. You already know whose time you are wasting, doncha? Yeah, and it is not yours. Try to be selfless in this part of your life (you seem to have been this most of it, but now, especially now), so please, one last time; break or don't. This all suits T, who is not at any fault either, but it is in his interest to keep you there. All the best. Been there. Brian U.K

Sunne said...

I think I’ve written a lot before but I’m going to write it again and again…you won’t get over T if you two still stay in contact. Or at least it will take so much longer. And you have to make it clear to yourself – T isn’t the guy for you because his and your life goals are so very different.
And now I’m asking a really daring question: Is your heart still attached to T or “your idea of T”? Sounds strange? Well, is it really T or is it the T you’d like to have, the T you had when you two “played” house? I don’t doubt that you are also friends, that he is a nice guy and that you have been good together whenever you had time to be together. But T also was for a long time the representative of a life you wanted to live, of your dreams. And your mind combines partnership and T sill together. But this is not going to happen. Get it in your brain: T doesn’t want to live with you as partners! (sorry to be this harsh, it just needed to be said and T – don’t come and say otherwise, don’t explain, don’t make excuses, we all know you have your reasons but in the end it comes down to the question “what/who is more important?” and it’s not a question of wrong or right, every decision or choice we make, even if we don’t make one, is one and we have to live with the consequences).
I’m not the only one, nearly everybody in the comments in the last five months (and before) had advised you to stop having contact with T. And Jim, sorry, but you’re still emotionally attached as long as you stay in contact which also means that you’ll never feel comfortable enough to get to know a new guy.
About JC – I would suggest that you just meet him. Jim, who says you have to attach your heart immediately? Maybe you two click, get a connection, maybe not. You’ll never know if you don’t try. Only problem is – you don’t know if you are even open enough for that, true? You are clinging to the past. It’ll never change if you don’t change that.
Personally I think that everybody should try living happily on his own after a separation, which makes you stronger and less dependent on others.
But maybe it’s different for other people, you e.g. seem to be very eager to define your own happiness through a relationship. It seems to be your ultimate goal. I wonder if you are stressed about JC because your sub consciousness realizes that even if you liked him and he liked you, even if you two were able to fall in love, you’d hand over the key to your happiness again to another guy.
Okay, think about it (or just click it away and think “crazy woman”), I’ve said my part. As always, nothing was written with the intention to hurt anyone, more with the intention to get you thinking, to get you taking care of yourself better. Like…love yourself, or how can you expect others to love you ;)

TwoLives said...

If JC is the right guy for you, your relationship will naturally develop, regardless of how you feel about T.

You're jumping ahead a few steps. First you need to meet him, then you need to spend time with him a few times. By the third or fourth date (at the latest) you'll either be thinking about JC all the time or you'll still be thinking about T. Whichever it is, that's the direction your connection with JC will ultimately take.

Perhaps the best thing you can do right now is keep an open mind.

RB said...

Go meet the guy! Hurry before he gets frustrated. See what happens. You'll be surprised how quickly T disappears in the rearview mirror.

T said...

Rob...and you wonder why you have no one loving you...still blaming the gay culture or internet dating? Give advice to Jim all you want, but don't be rude toward me.